If I could, I would climb to the highest rooftop and shout in my loudest and clearest voice a BIG THANK YOU! There are angels amongst us, who walk alongside us on the streets, stand in line at the grocery store, take classes with us, eat out with us, chat with us at games and activities. They are quiet angels, ones who do not look for recognition or praise but ones whose hearts are huge, who just want to help, who care so much, who make me smile, and I will never be able to hug them tight and whisper thank you in their ears. So for all of you quiet angels out there who have anonymously sent me gift cards, a little spending money, and messages of inspiration here is my thank you. I, we, are forever grateful for the help and inspiration. I do not have the right words to convey what it means to us...every little bit helps to empower us in knowing this is going to be ok.
For those of you who are not a Facebook friend, let me digress a little. Sometimes when I do not have the energy to sit at my desk and write a full blog, I will post little tidbits on my Facebook page. You see, I am the only human left in the world, who does not own a laptop or a tablet of some sort where I can write from the leisure of anywhere. Maybe that is a good thing because I possibly could be writing all day, everyday...oh my! A little while back, I threw a post on Facebook about all the little cancer incidentals that add up. The financial strain that no one wants to talk about. People often think it will be medical bills that could put a patient under water financially and that is the case for some and possibly could be the case for me in the future. What I was referring to in that post, are all the little things that are not in the family budget. The extra medicines, creams, lotions, foods, drivers, take out meals, etc that one doesn't expect when planning their monthly budgets because let's face it....no one has a "in case of cancer fund". I don't know about you, but I am an anal Annie when it comes to bills and money and budgets. We are self employed, and I am not working right now and I have a kid in college...need I say more. Don't get me wrong....we are OK...but when I open the mail and there is a gift card to Walgreens, it does make me want to weep a little with relief. Everyone has their shit and times are hard for everyone, this is not a plea for money....do not get me wrong. Please. I just want to say how much we appreciate these silent gifts and how we are being very responsible with using them.
I have started round 2 of the magic beans that I take daily for 21 days. For those who think I am really eating beans, no, that would be my oral chemotherapy. Round 2 has been slightly more successful...SHHHHHH....don't tempt karma and say that out loud. I have learned what I can and cannot eat, I am managing my nausea with tea and a little ginger mostly, I am still working on the no appetite in the beginning days of my rounds but I am a work in progress. I have developed very dry and itchy skin so currently working on trial and error in finding a lotion or cream that will work. I thought about using olive oil but didn't want to smell like a salad and feel like a greasy french fry. Not to mention, ruining my clothes...YIKES. Plus I have the added bonus of a new parlor trick where I can fall asleep sitting up, laying down, even standing, whether it is quiet or loud or even if I am in mid conversation. For this, I am working on finding down time in each day. LOL. So if i fall asleep at my next hair cut or while hanging outside with friends and neighbors, please do not take it personal, it is just the magic beans lowering my white and red cell count a smidge.
There is something else I have had to face and maybe that is why I am working so hard at adding a little more love into my life. Last week, I had to say goodbye to a friend who is moving out of state and this week I will be saying goodbye to another set of dear friends who are moving out of the country. The first place my head goes, is what if....what if I don't see them again.....what if cancer.... That led me to a dark and dreary place that sabotaged everything I was doing and thinking - enter cancer bitch stage left and right and center. I needed to get myself together and work on me a little bit so that I can quiet the bitch down for now. I needed a little KUM BA YA.
I decided on Sunday after feeling as if I was treading water and going no where, I needed to develop some routine in my new life, maybe that would quiet things down. Sunday, I went to the National Cancer Survivors Day at the Morton Arboretum. First, you have no idea how badly I just wanted to wander around that place and get lost in the green and serene beauty surrounding me. Sadly, it was hot, I was not feeling the best, and entered the day with a low battery which quickly died down to nothing. Feeling all of this, I was only able to partake in the festivities of the event. Which entailed some food, some raffles (of which I won nothing), and several speakers. These speakers had amazing stories of surviviorship, one even mentioned being being a thriver. These stories were filled with tales of compassion, encouragement, some heartache, but overall a sense of accomplishment for living with, among, and together with cancer. I ended my day, not on the highest of notes as my magic bean was kicking my ass. It was then I decided....this is just not going to fly with me.
I am not living a fairy tale of wonder. I am not delusional or high. But I knew at that time Sunday evening, I wasn't thriving and I wasn't too happy about it. I made a plan. I wrote it down and decided I was going to work at it, I am a work in progress and sometimes we need to step back and give ourselves a pep talk. I decided I needed to face my fear of getting back to fitness. I had tried the week before and it was an epic failure of the highest proportion. I had set my goal to high, thinking I could jump back on the horse and fall into a place I was before this twist of fate changed my life. So this week, I wrote down exactly what I was going to do. It involves a little walking, a little swimming (loosely defined), maybe a restorative yoga class, and get ready....a little Country Heat courtesy of Beachbody on Demand. Now y'all...I am not a country girl but there is something about this workout that makes me laugh and feel somewhat successful. If you were to peer in my window while I am dancing along to the routines in this workout, you would probably bust a gut laughing your ass off. It is literally the craziest thing, I dance around my workout room, looking like a jackass but it is just what I need. It makes me smile, it is low impact, and I can take it slow and steady like riding a very old pony.
My plan involved more than just my workouts. I am scheduling what I would like to accomplish each day so that I am not only being efficient at being a mom, wife, CEO of my home, bookkeeper of many small businesses, chef, chauffeur, etc but also allowing myself time and opportunity to do at least one thing that makes me feel like I am living my life. I am really good at tasks and can get caught up in "just getting it off the list" but then I had this feeling of not living. So everyday, I am trying to read (nothing heavy, just easy summer reads), or float in my pool, or go out with my kids, or husband or friends, or whatever makes me feel like I can say I lived today. I think this will help me say and believe I AM THRIVING.
I am dreaming of places I want to see near and far and saying to John...let's do this. I want to go to the Netherlands next summer...let's do this. I want to go to Nashville again...let's do this. I am NOT making a bucket list of what to do before I die....that is not happening. I just want to live and this helps me feel like I am living. Part of my plan also involves a lot more self talk, positive sentences with a little tough love, a little 5 minute meditation, exploring hypnosis, reiki and a lot of other forms of self care. There is an egocentric part of being a cancer patient, I am working on accepting that and allowing myself these opportunities so I can thrive. I re read messages of encouragement, I look at my book "you are loved" a photo book from a dear friend daily, I read inspirational devotional messages, listen to Joel Osteen, and Ascension Presents, and I pray often for God to heal me. I AM GOING TO THRIVE.
We all my friends are works in progress. We all have ups and downs and we all have our own shit to deal with...it is how we face that shit and how we decide to shovel it out of our lives which will help us all THRIVE.
Peace ✌
Jo
Another great post! Continued prayers and gratitude for your inspirational sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much. Hugs :)
DeleteThrive ♥ Thrive ♥ Thrive !!! xo
ReplyDelete💗💗💗💗 thank you
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