Team Jo Jo

Hey y'all...it's me...

Happy August - time is slipping by.  For those of you who know me on Facebook, this may be a bit redundant but let's get the skinny out of the way.  I saw Dr. K today and received the results of my nuclear bone scan from last week.  The important thing to remember about MBC is bone metastasis is the most treatable yet the most clouded in determining remission.  Our bones are made to breakdown and re grow, normal, healthy bones do this at regular cycles and the bone continues to appear healthy.  On the transverse of that are bones that have been broken, fractured, diseased or cancerous.  In my case, my cancerous bones, the bones that have been chewed through with the little cancer eating pac man fuckers appear to be healed bone now that I have been in treatment for several months.  However, healed bone and active metastatic bone can look so similar that it can be hard to discern one from the other.  With that said, most of my scan looks to be stable.  There are 2 areas where they feel there is "uptake in possible metastatic disease" meaning that those 2 areas could still be riddled with the cancer eating pac man fuckers.  Yet again another HOWEVER... Dr. K feels strongly that with my overall health, lack of consistent and significant pain, and active lifestyle that these 2 areas are healing bone.  This is 500 shades of gray, all tangled up in chains and cobwebs.  It is the dark, spooky gray of a misty fog on a moonless night, in a pitch black and scary forest.

OK - that's a lot of words, all foggy, cloudy, ambiguous words that weren't doing much to settle the cancer bitch down.  She was perched firmly on my shoulder, sitting at attention, perky boobs and her hair all fluffed, I swear she came ready to gobble up any bit of doubt and whisper it back into my ear. John was sitting next to me, taking in what Dr. K was saying as good news and all I heard was the teacher from Charlie Brown squawking.  I wanted to hear one word... REMISSION and I didn't get that, not yet.  Dr K feels in another 3 rounds, we will repeat all the scans and he is hopeful he can declare remission at that time.  In the meantime, he ordered a CT scan, more for my peace of mind.  I need a little bit more reassurance that the chemotherapy is kicking ass and taking names later.  But now, another test, another round of waiting...

I know that whatever I say right now is going to sound like I'm a whiny little pain in the ass.  Which by the way are the areas in question... my elusive ass.  At least my tits have calmed down for now.  But in all honesty, I felt swallowed by the fog today.  I can hear the positives yet the unknown is beating a louder drum.  The rhythm of this 3 month cycle, holding my breath, inhaling and exhaling and wondering.  Every now and then there is that slap of reality saying "Yo' woman - this ain't over".  Apparently reality sounds like an old world Italian - no offense.  I will never be normal, regular, boring, plain, blend into the background, wall flower Jo because I have this new pattern to my life, this new beat. 

So what do I do to keep time with this new beat, I was thinking of taking up hip hop but thought that might put my kids into therapy and I am sure after this cancer ride they will need enough of that.  So instead, I am working on my life list.  I am walking and working out - though I feel more like I am trying to run away from my truth.  I am being me - whatever that means for this one moment, this one breath, this one step.  My truth changes daily, almost hourly - I am every emotion and every color of the rainbow.  I do not like gray yet somehow I know the world is not black and white.  I think my sweet G might need to give me a lesson in color, blending and shading so I can begin to see the beauty in the color gray. 

I still think often about this concept of what "legacy" will I leave my kids.  I can't recall if I mentioned this before, but the therapist I went to see asked me this question.  She also asked me what my purpose was but more on that later.  She suggested jounraling, writing letters or making videos and it all seemed so morose, so focused on what was yet to come, so about death - that she scared me  the hell away.  Mind you, I will not be returning to see this particular person and am now trying someone new.  But I have squirreled yet again.  I hope that my legacy, first, is a far way off and second, these words, all of my words from this blog to Facebook, Instagram and beyond.  I hope that my legacy is the blanket of love I have for my kiddos, the unconditional, you are rock stars, you are special, unique, beautiful and handsome, creative, kind, compassionate, and the most precious part of my being in the here and in the after.  I also hope my legacy is educating more people about this disease and how it can affect everyone in its own unique way.

All of this is hard, but that is like saying Mars is not that far away.  There are no words for how deep I dig daily to try to simply be me.  To be the person that someone will laugh at for doing something silly or the person who forgets the dentist appointment and no one thinks twice about it.  To be the person who puts on sexy black ankle strap shoes and can actually pull it off without looking like a fool.  I know that this is hard, it is hard for my kids, my family, my friends, anyone who knows me, it is hard to understand yet I am trying to learn something new from it everyday and I am trying to pay that forward as well.  

Back 6 years ago when cancer had a different meaning for us, John created "Team Jo Jo" t-shirts.  It started as a way for he and my kids to be united in their support for me, they wore them to the hospital to see me after my surgery.  It swirled into their friends and our friends buying these shirts  and we donated all the money to the Edward Cancer Center.  It gave my children some control and I don't know if they would say it but I feel it helped them seem not so alone in this journey we were on.  I think we sold close to 100 t-shirts between the junior high and high school kids, Jack's swim team and friends.  It warmed my heart to see a random stranger wearing my shirt in support of my fight, it made me feel less alone.  So with that spirit in mind, I have been twirling around bringing "Team Jo Jo" back with a new twist. I am hoping this will help to fill the question of purpose for me.  

We all have a purpose, the obvious for me is that of wife, mom, sister, cousin, niece, friend, worker, homemaker (shit, I just slipped into a time warp and it is 1950 again).  I shuffle papers, go to doctors, keep books for many businesses, record, and manage our lives.  I am hoping to find new purposes to add to my list - pursuer of life goals, seeker of creative outlets, and student of peaceful mantras.

I do hope you have let out a few chuckles as you have been reading this.  My peaceful mantra for you is to inhale "I am loved" and exhale "I feel fear".  I do feel loved with every reader, every view, every share, and every comment and all of this love helps to calm the fears and the demons that come along with anything that is hard in life.

Peace ✌,
Jo