Dreams, Passions, and 60's Love!

Hey y'all... it's me...

Phew - 3 weeks has flown by and in my world I don't know if that's a good thing.  OK... sorry for that sardonic humor right out of the gate.  How the heck are y'all doing?  What's been cooking around here, you ask?  Well - a whole lot of dips, spins and twirls on the Mighty Metastatic Coaster.  Let's talk, shall we...

So, I have been feeling the love from my last post and I can't thank you enough.  It really helps when the coaster dips into the darkness to know that y'all have my back.  I have been painting Mantra Blocks like a mad woman and between my Mantra Block orders and the sale of my Team JoJo bracelets, we have raised over $900 for Metavivor and that just tinkles me PINK.  PINK????? Does that shock some of you - it's October, so let's address the elephant in the room.  If you like and follow my Team JoJo page on FaceBook (please do), you might have seen the video I recently posted titled Spontaneous Thoughts.  Now as I said, this may not sit well with some of you and I am sorry for that but for now, in my journey, PINK is still part of my world.  That little pink ribbon does not make me angry or make me want to assign blame, in my eyes - we all are fighting this disease, early stage, late stage, left stage, right stage - we are in this together.  I know that a pink ribbon isn't going to cure me, only research and great minds will be able to do that and that is why we are donating to such an outstanding organization.  So with that in mind, I am just going to say in my sing song KUMBAYA voice, that you will not hear me bashing early stage awareness, the pink ribbon or anything else.  I need every ounce of good karma in my world, I need peace in my heart, love in my soul and maybe another hit or two off my peace pipe.  But seriously, I will say that I hope this doesn't get me kicked out of any groups that I am in or ostracize me from a community I am just discovering.  Maybe I will change at some point but for now - it's all 60's love baby.

OK....so moving on... These last few weeks has made me think about dreams and passions.  Now stop right there folks - not THAT kind of dream or passion.  Sheesh - you all have dirty little minds.  I mean the big kind of dreams and passions - things that make your life change, that make your voice stronger, your soul sigh with contentment.  Let's back up a minute or maybe 20 or 30 years.  I have mentioned this before, I was a quiet, nerdy, shy kid.  One who was bullied and made fun of, one who so badly wanted to try out for dance, or cheer, or theater but never had the courage or the group of friends to encourage me into those activities.  So I dreamed a lot... about the things I wish I could do... one day. 

Then one day turned into the next or maybe a few or 5 years or so and my life was different.  I was facing things most of my friends weren't facing - losing a parent.  And once again, my life changed, my dreams changed and my passions became healing, getting married and starting a family.  I have worn many hats over my years and while I wouldn't change a thing - there always was something I was lacking.  I wasn't dreaming anymore, I was doing all the right things, all the things expected of me and then life sort of took over.  I was never the person that had a hobby, I didn't scrapbook, or knit, or sing or act.  I didn't garden or workout or play a sport.  My hobby was/is my kids and family and I loved every second of that and still do.  There just wasn't something I did outside of being a mom or wife.  Then in 2016, I found a new way to work out and eat and discovered - wait - maybe I have a passion. I have a passion for wellness but as we know, my health hasn't been the best even before my MBC so I always felt my passion had a big ol' BUT at the end of it.

And now - let's jump past all the stuff we already now - my MBC came, I found my voice and I found a... wait for it... PASSION!  A passion to make people think and laugh and pay attention to their own health and their own story.  I found a PASSION for peace, for doing this journey the only way I know how and I found that I want to share my voice, my Mantra Blocks, my journey to help bring awareness to a disease not often spoken about out loud.  I know I am not the only one doing this.  I know I am not the only person with MBC and I know that my voice may only make a very small ripple in this vast, vast universe we live in but if this PASSION helps me heal, helps me THRIVE then I say - HELL YES!  I'm all in. 

I have had the greatest opportunity to share my story with a group of smart, educated, talented women and men who belong to an organization called Women in Technology (WIT).  I was invited to speak at one of their events and even if this is the only time I ever do something like this, it made me feel empowered, confident, strong.  Now don't get me wrong, I was nervous as hell.  I was so worried I would drop a big old F bomb or they would see the river of sweat I was floating in - OK - that just might be TMI... sorry.  But in the end, it hit an item on my life list I didn't even know I had.  It pushed down that shy image I always have of myself and in it's place, I felt like I could fly.  For someone who on some days, feels like walking is a challenge, you can only imagine how this energized my soul.  It was fucking amazing! A true dream come true for me and the best part, it is one I didn't even know I had.

Now these past few weeks have not been all sunshine and roses but you know what???  It is what it is.  That was my Dad's mantra - I swear I can hear him saying it now.  But there is truth and wisdom in that saying.  I can't change what is.  I have had days of dips and spins upside down and sideways on the coaster.  I have actually told John many times that "I don't want to do this anymore, they can take it back, I'm done"  I have cried and had pain and had to learn to adjust my walking, eating, and living routines.  I have missed a chemo dose - WHATTTTT????  Yep, I wanted to kick myself in the ass for that one.  I have felt unwanted and alone.  I have missed my kids like nothing I can explain.  I have worried over an ache here or there.  I have cried - did I mention that?  BUT... that's all part of my journey.  However, there is one very important lesson I have learned as I twirl and spin on the this coaster and that is, I have learned to ask for help and humbly accept it. I would not be anything if I were not truthful - there has to be all of these things.  Remember one of my first blogs, I want to share my story - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

These past few weeks have been more good, than bad or ugly. SHHH - don't tell my secret as I don't want to jinx it.  I am grateful for the good, it breaks down and makes the bad a little easier to handle. My next set of progress scans are coming up on October 18th and I will hold my breath until those pass but I will do so with grace.  I am working on that, having grace in my life and in my heart.  I am halfway done with round 6 and actually had the nerve to go by myself to the medical marijuana dispensary to get some topical balms to help with my pain.  I am imagining I now know how Dorothy felt when she was plucked from Kansas and dropped into the land of OZ. But the moral to all of this, is that I did it.  There are more things I am facing, more challenges I am overcoming, and I am learning how, when I wake up everyday and the fog clears from my eyes and reality comes into focus to face that challenge with grace, peace, tenacity, and with the great blanket of love I get from each and every one of you.


So what now, you ask?  I honestly do not know. I am living right now and not time traveling forward to far down the Mighty Metastatic Coaster.  I will face my scans head on.  I will always pray and practice my faith.  I am hoping to laugh so hard, I pee a little.  I would love to dance like no one is watching, preferably on a table or bar top - a girl's gotta dream... right?  I want to stand in my mountain pose and breathe in life.  I plan to continue forging my path of peace, painting my Mantra Block and selling them to anyone who thinks they will add whimsy to their life, and I will continue to THRIVE on, one step, one breath, one moment at a time.  For that my beautiful friends, is truly the essence of what we all have. 


Peace ✌
Jo