Brave!

Hey y'all... it's me...

"You can't ever do anything brave, if you are wearing the strait jacket of what will people think" - Brene Brown.

For those of you who like and follow my Team Jo Jo page, this quote will be familiar as it was my post for Thursday (and if you don't like and follow my page, I encourage you to check it out 😊)  This quote spoke to me in a way that I can't truly explain but will try my damnedest to do so.  Brave - that word, in my eyes, was something I associated with a persons' actions.  A hero, veteran, soldier, or warrior - their actions, to me, have always been brave therefore they are brave.  Actions equal a defining quality.  However upon hearing this quote and speaking it out loud, I realized that Brave is multi faceted with more than one defining definition.  

An image that comes to mind when thinking of being Brave is that of the "stiff upper lip", a stoic facade, showing little to no emotion and quietly marching on.  Yet, I would venture that often times behind that stoic facade is someone who is scared of what will people think if they see me fall apart, if they see that I am not perfect, that I am flawed, that I might stumble under the weight of the mere idea of always being Brave.  I turned to John last night and said this is me, so often I try to take that beautiful, winding, rainbow colored road to hide behind what I am really feeling, what is really happening in our life because I am afraid of what will people think.  I am not brave or anything else but me, facing something unbelievable yet real and with no other choice than to put one foot in front of the other and march on. But here is a peak behind the curtain of being Brave.

People who are facing down the odds of something unfathomable find this inner power that propels them forward.  The adrenaline of what is happening allows them to take in all the information, make plans, make decisions, figure things out and march on.  This is true for any horrific situation, disease, death, natural disaster or traumatic event - for me it happens to be my cancer.  But now that I am going on 7 months post MBC diagnosis, the adrenaline has tapered off and I have had to work on marching on without the aid of anything but my sheer will and determination and I think that is true for my entire family.  This is where we have to be Brave.

When someone has cancer, the whole family has cancer.  I would guess that is why we have had shingles, pneumonia, anxiety, high blood pressure, every virus you can name, and a lot of sleepless, and food less nights.  But this is what I try to hide...so here goes...and I will tell you I am TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED of what people will say.

I am scared!  I cry A LOT! I worry over the ache and pain that wasn't there yesterday, about my kids and what they are thinking or feeling or googling, about the lack of money - the bills and mounting debt and doubling insurance premiums, the house that won't sell in Yorkville that could answer our problems, about how much John works and how exhausted he is (not lying - he just walked past me yawning the loudest yawn), about how out of shape I am becoming, and about how I no longer like food. I also worry about fulfilling my life list adventures, will I get to everything and if I do, what will people think.  I worry about the holidays and making all of the traditions be the same because cancer isn't going to take that away from my babies - it has taken enough.  I feel the loss of my parents, being on this earth untethered by those who gave me life.  I am saddened that on my family tree - there is no longer anyone living before me, that I don't have a mom or dad to call and say - can you help me fix this, can you cook this holiday, shelter us from the storm and protect us from harm.  

I worry that I will be considered a heathen for turning to God in my time of fear and need when I have been such a cafeteria style Catholic for so long. I worry about every scan.  I worry if I will endure the claustrophobic MRI, the drugs, the meds, the living day to day, moment to moment, wondering, waiting.  I worry about what people will think and I hide behind a facade of being Brave.

Now...don't pick up the phone and call 911.  Because here is the multi dimensional side of being Brave.  For me, all of these worries and fears may come and go throughout my day but at my deepest root, I have to find the action that I consider to be Brave.  Do I think you all will think I have gone off the deep end or am looking for compliment or attention - yes, of course, because I wear the strait jacket of what will people think.  However being Brave is putting that aside, strait jacket and all, and placing one foot in front of the other.  For me being Brave, is living despite that strait jacket.  Living larger than I ever thought possible and pursuing my passions, dreams, and actions in spite of my cancer.  Being Brave is learning to shed the strait jacket, placing worry in it's own little box and working on accepting, facing, and breathing through anything that comes my way. 

Peace ✌

Jo