Intentional Living in 2018

Hey y'all... it's me...

How the hell are ya?  Happy New Year 2018 - can you believe that shit?  I certainly cannot, I mean I swear just a minute ago I was doing a FaceBook quiz - you know the ones that tell you your future and are 100% truth???  HA!  But seriously, that quiz told me 2017 was my year of Change and in this case, it was pretty spot on.  I don't necessarily think FaceBook was predicting my MBC future but Change was certainly how last year played out for me.  As I entered the New Year's holiday, I decided to forgo the FaceBook quizzes and instead chose to enter 2018 without being tethered to any one specific word. I'm living life on the edge these days so why not free fall for at least the first part of the year.  We will see how long this lasts, if I was a betting woman, I would give it less than one month before I decide I need something to cling too.

I had this whole other post written over the weekend about how my life is like living in the "in-betweens".  I always seem to be "in-between" something, doctors, tests, new ailments or side effects, workouts, plans, moments but today I decided to try to take another look at things.  I mean, all of us are in between something so why should I let it define me anymore than I let my cancer, my side effects or anything else define me.  It is all a matter of how you live during your "in-betweens".

I am not going to lie and say that every moment of the last 14 days have been peachy green fabulous.  It seems that my cervical stenosis is being very naughty and causing some pretty intense nerve pain in my arms, a sensation far from pleasant.  I have done my due diligence in treating this as I wait for my orthopedic doc appointment and upcoming bone scan.  Gotta check all the cancer boxes whenever a new ailment arises.  I am doped up on muscle relaxers at night, a shit ton of Aleve and even broke into my edible stash.  Though I've had the stash for some months now, I have always been too much of a baby to try it.  All I can say, is I have experienced the slumber of sleeping beauty, snow white and Rapunzel all wrapped up into one long winters nap.  I don't think I will be binging on those edibles anytime again soon, I mean unless I want to sleep the rest of 2018 away.  Maybe this calls for another field trip to the dispensary but first need to raise a little "fun money".

Day 2 of this New Year and my head seems to be a bit clearer or at least less gray and gloomy.  The New Year brings out the idea of resolutions for many people.  If you are anything like me, you make a resolution and by the end of the first month, POOF, you've already forgotten all about it.  I feel making a resolution is like saying "I'm trying", it is almost automatically setting yourself up for failure.  I have heard of making intentions instead and this is something I have occasionally played around with in the past.  The idea of making an intention is more positive especially if your plan is to intend to be your very best version of yourself every day and in each moment you are experiencing.   

I think about how many intentions I have set since my MBC.  I have worked on my mental state of being, my health and wellness and my spiritual goals with the very best intentions in mind.  However my efforts are more like a start and stop approach, occasionally there is a detour on my trip and sometimes I stop off to sleep the days away or wallow in a pool of pity due to my circumstance.  Other times, I stop off to dive further into the intention I am working on, head first, relishing in the success I am feeling at that moment, without any idea how long that side trip will last.  Then, there are times when my intentions are simply set aside, sort of like that Louis Vuitton cancer bag I carry.  I know they are there but for whatever reason, I can't deal with them.  It all becomes just too much.  This is part of how I live during the "in-betweens", I am either full steam ahead, slow and steady winning the race, or chasing butterflies on a detour. 



So now, as I sit here today, finally in a quiet house, with no more Christmas clutter, I am thinking ahead.  Not too far - don't get crazy on me - you know I am not in the time travel business.  But I am thinking of what I would like to do this year, even though I am more stagnant than usual due to the stenosis and even though financially, things are hard - turning over a new insurance calendar year, deductibles, increased premiums and a house in Yorkville we cannot seem to unload.  However I am having a positive moment, thinking there will be some luck at the end of this particular journey and I will again find activity, days of feeling well, and increased business for John.   I have written my intentions on paper, framed it nicely and placed it on my desk to see everyday.  The intent (see what I did there) is to use this list as motivation, I kept it pretty general, more long term goals and only a few simple things to check off the list.  This way as I move forward with my life and living alongside my MBC, I will never be without an idea or focus.  It's all about a mind game, folks. You need to trick your pretty little head into believing your capabilities and then by doing so, maybe your setbacks won't be so hard to swallow.

I will never suggest I have all the answers, in fact I am like that eager 3rd grade student who is constantly raising their hand with "just one more question".  I change my mindset daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute.  I can be feeling as fabulous as a Rockette or as low as the kid who's ice cream just fell on the cement.  This has a lot to do with how I'm feeling physically.  Right now, I am sedate due to the pain and frustration of being sent back to start once again.  You'd be surprised at how important that rush of endorphins are from daily movement.  Now, I could go walk the track or treadmill but I sort of feel "meh" over it, I mean it's hard to be your own personal motivator all the time when your arm and shoulder feel like they are somewhat on fire and as weak as a new born baby.  It's a chemical thing, I think, I mean I am no mad scientist or fitness expert but without all those little chemical rushes, I think it's easy to fall into a slump. So what to do, what to do...

This is just another "in-between".  If I look at it this way then maybe it won't become a permanent way of life or being.  This is where it can get a little tricky.  I want to be treated like everyone else, I want to read all the tips for "new year, new you", talk workouts and food with friends, try new and engaging activities, increase savings / lower debt etc.  However in reality, a lot of this doesn't apply to me, there is always something that I simply cannot do not because I am being a whiny pain in the ass baby but because I have limitations. That is the frank, honest truth - there are limitations to my diseases, it just is what it is.  And there are limitations to our financial health right now until our luck turns and that house sells.  It is hard not to allow the limitations to define my everyday being.  I mean, for example, as I am moving into my 9th month of this journey, I never know who really wants to hear what's going on in my life.  The sad reality is my life is dominated by this journey as it takes up time, mental and physical energy, and a lot of emotion and strength.  Often when others are talking of funny day to day life moments, laughing about trying a new gym or imbibing in drinks with friends, my conversations are more of an elderly person's aches, pains and doctor appointments and rants about insurance costs and the cost of living.  And that is not doing my best  'woe is me" impression, it again, is what it is.  So what happens with this... I get quiet.  I get awkward.  I retreat into the walls and then the mind fuck begins all over again.  It is like a round robin but without the all the hilarity and enthusiasm of actually playing a game.

There are some people out there who will say this is my issue and I guess I will own that.  A lot of the

mental mind fuck begins with the shit in my head.  But then there are things outside of my control.  These are the things that make my "in-between" moments a bit more of a daily struggle, I also think living in the arctic tundra, gray, gloomy skies and the lack of holiday hype can bring anybody down a few pegs.  This is where I have to get a little creative to let out some steam and break out of my quiet, awkward retreat.  I have to go back to my list of intentions, my moment to moment living, and remembering all the things I have going for me.  I have my community for one. I have my breath - I mean my actual breath as I am still alive and kicking albeit juggling a few medical balls and I have the sensation to Thrive coursing through my veins.  

So with this, I ask what are your thoughts, intentions or resolutions for 2018?  Who really knows if I will achieve all of my intentions or if 2018 will be filled with mechanical bull riding, pole dancing lessons, water skiing, and sky diving.  There is nothing too big or too small to keep you moving forward daily, moment to moment, one little forward step at a time.

Peace ✌ 
Jo