Listen Within....

Hey y'all....this is my first time and let me tell you, I am a bit giddy. Writing a blog is something I have wanted to do for some time but my fear of the unknown and simply being unsure of how to navigate this tech world was holding me back.  Instead, I decided this weekend to face it, challenge it, and conquer the fear like I have with so many other facets of my life recently.  

But let me digress a little for those of you (and I hope there will be many new readers along the way) who don't know my story.  I am just a regular old gal, who was skipping through life, being a mom, wife, worker, volunteer, and friend. Then one day, I heard the words so many women fear "you have breast cancer".  Almost 6 years ago, I faced stage 2B ductal carcinoma with 2 positive lymph nodes.  I went through a radical double mastectomy with reconstruction, 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, and 5 years of oral Tamoxifen.  I did the circuit of cancer firsts - lost my hair, my strength, battled fatigue, infection, anxiety, depression, lack of mobility, and overall lost myself for a while.  

And then something changed.  I can't tell you what or how but I was finally struck by the epiphany my husband so badly wanted me to have after my treatment was over.  There is this notion, after you face a life threatening illness, that you will change from within.  It is, as if, the assumption of facing something so fierce and devastating is automatically going to make you a carefree, dancing in the rain, positive spewing chick.  And for some, that is the case....then there are some like me, who are a little slow on the uptake.

My cancer and post cancer years shrouded me in fear....fear of living and fear of dying.  Fear that I was doing everything and then again, nothing wrong.  I faced the gamut of post treatment side effects and I am one of the lucky cancer survivors who will continually battle side effects.  Those physical issues, besides the mental ones, were holding me back from finding the way back to ME.  Without going into too much detail, because y'all know...I have had issues with migraines, vertigo, mobility and muscle strength issues, vision troubles, and chronic fatigue.  Then my body decided enough was enough.  This past December, I was faced with having to choose the prescribed additional 5 years of oral medication vs no medication with the hope to minimize my side effects.

This new chapter that I was facing was fraught with anxiety and again fear.  Fear that I would be choosing wrong and somehow robbing my family and myself of my future.  I know that sounds dramatic but that's just the way it is y'all.  Every survivor is worried that one day, IT might come back and ending your treatment sooner than expected removes the crutch survivors latch on to.  But as we know there are no guarantees in life and I was SOOO tired of non-living because that is exactly how I was feeling.  So often, I missed making memories with my family, trying something new, traveling, or just hanging out because the side effects, mostly migraines, were limiting my abilities to live.  

Fast forward to now....2017 y'all....I don't know what it is but I woke up from my fog and the epiphany clocked me on the head.  Now....let's be real, I am not going to be dancing naked in the rain and I will still want my house clean and life tidy.  But I AM trying to be ALIVE more....TRY more, EXPERIENCE more all by listening from within myself.  

Each and everyone one of us has their own path and journey that has been laid before them. It is like a puzzle, as none of us have been told where we are going or how to get there.  We simply move through our lives following instinct and intuition, gut response, taking leaps forward and back, traversing the meandering road of life.  

For me, this means many things and learning to write again is just the beginning.  I find a cathartic release in letting the words flow through me like paint on a canvas for an artist.  My hope is to help others, not only survivors but everyone navigate the road they are on without being defined by their circumstance.  We are more than any illness or one moment in our lives.  

My journey has brought a new found desire to be WHOLE again.  To find strength from within but also strength in my body.  My path has wandered in and around fitness since 2010 and cancer brought on a another layer to my fitness journey.  As we slowly took away the many cancer crutches, chemo, radiation, drugs, OT therapy and the like, health, wellness, and fitness is now my biggest cancer fighter.  

My hope is that you will continue to walk along side of me on my journey through following, reading, and sharing my blog.  I am not sure the frequency of my blogging yet as this is all a work in progress.  Trust me, in that my topics will be varied, this is not just a cancer / post cancer blog. This is about living, it will be of experiences new and old, family, faith, activities, realizations of wonder, Beachbody, Shakeology, fitness, wellness and so much more, as again, who knows where this journey of life will take me.  I hope to encounter many along the way, to be part of a whole new world.

And now that I am beginning to quote Disney movies, I will sign off for tonight... 

Peace - 
Jo