A Little T & A

Hey y'all....it's me....

If we don't find humor in adversity, adversity will take over and win.  This is one of the many things I keep telling myself, along with you've got this, hang on, fuck it, no that's not right, and stop talking to yourself - you look like a nut ball.

This past week has been moving at a snails pass, I have experienced the highest of high - no pot involved - and the lowest of lows - also no pot involved.  I find that I am sometimes being the strong one for everyone else, not that I think for one second everyone else is expecting that from me but rather that I cannot bear to think otherwise.  For if I am not strong, then no one else will believe the shit storm I am selling and have strength for me.  Does this make any sense because to be honest I am feeling a tad bit undone at the moment.  It is T-2 days before the big reveal.  That is what I am beginning to think of Monday.  My own version of a Chip and Joanna show except that instead of a fabulous new home remodel at the end, I will be receiving a new protocol of pills, drugs, toxins, and steroids to  makeover  a new, improved, less cancerous version of myself.  Dark, maybe, but also a bit of reality thrown into the mix.  Today, I am all about reality.

I have endured the most tragic of news thus far, the diagnosis and feel that come Monday, I will be ready to buy, sell, and trade whatever it is Dr. K is telling me.  For nothing can be worse than the unknown cancer purgatory that I am currently in.  I have my handy, dandy notebook ready, pencil in hand, questions laid out and formulated, ears cleaned out for maximum listening potential...I am ready, all I need is to go to sleep and wake up Monday morning.  I have this vision of me up and dressed at 7 am, driving to buy to donuts and coffee for Dr. K and his staff, showing up early, and handing over my gifts as if to say...look I am bribing you to be nice and give me the best news ever.  Don't worry, I won't actually go and do that but it is nice to indulge in that fantasy versus some of the other things I have been imagining.

Let's lighten things up a bit, shall we?   Many of you already know, I am an anomaly in the medical world - if there is a side effect, I will probably get it, if there is a strange condition, it's mine, if there is an issue with medicine, my name is on it.  So it doesn't surprise me that this new path on my journey isn't going the way of what I would consider "normal".  Since my first step April 1st on this new pink path, the most pain, the most annoying places on my body causing me trouble.....are my tits and my ass.  Yep...that's right folks....only me.....has a cancer recurrence and most of my tumors reside in the bones in my ass - sacral, iliac, low spine - and my tits - sternum and ribs.  So when I have a flare up, it is my tits, ass, and then my legs that bother me the most.  I have to find humor in this because it is too absurd to be anything other than ridiculous.  

Let's talk biopsy.  This was probably one of the most humiliating points in my cancer career.  I have had a lot of shit done to me, been in a lot of compromising positions and have had more people see me naked that I care to recall.  As I entered into the hospital for my biopsy Wednesday with my faithful friend Liz by my side, the world seemed to be titled slightly to the right.  There was a scurry of activity, more nurses that I needed around me, it was loud, chaotic, and one mishap after another.  Nothing was life threatening but when the nurse wanted to check my blood because I was a diabetic (which I am not), I did ask her if she was even dealing with the right patient.  After that and a few other small snafu's, I told them all to get their shit together and come back because I couldn't deal with their crap right now.  Pretty much, my exact words....my one and only break down Wednesday morning.  Next stop on the cancer train was the CT room where they would be performing the CT guided needle biopsy.  Enter Doogie Howser - not kidding - the doctor looked 12, OK maybe 15, seemed like a nice enough man though, very knowledgeable and thorough in what he was about to do to me.  Dr. Doogie explained they were going to biopsy my iliac bone.  From my uneducated point of reference, I thought that would be the bony part of the front of my hip.  Then Dr. Doogie explained I would be lying on my stomach on the CT table?????  I began to have a quizzical expression on my face, looking first at Liz and then back to Dr. Doogie when realization hit my like a punch in the face....this man, this doctor was going to drill a needle into the bone in my ASS.  WTF....this cannot be happening.  

I looked to the kind doctor and said...."wait you are drilling into my ass".  He flubbed around a little with his words but I just kept repeating it because I think I needed to hear him say it out loud.  Yes, he was going to be drilling the needle in the iliac bone in my upper right ass cheek.  Apparently your iliac bones are the bones that create the girdle which holds your pelvis in place - who frickin/ knew?  I so need an anatomy lesson to figure out where all these places are on my body.  So there I am, face down on the table with more wires and tubes in me than a sound machine has, being slid back and forth through the CT machine, ass up, so they can get the images they need to find the exact spot to drill.  When I say drill, I mean drill....like a home depot special.  It sounded exactly the same as the one my husband uses when fixing things around our house.  In my drug induced slurred speech, I mentioned this fact to Dr. Doogie and asked him if he did indeed buy this drill at home depot.  I am not so sure he appreciated my humor.  Biopsy done, recovery done, on our way home and all I can think of is...my ass hurts.  Only me....tits and ass....only me.  

Moving on from Wednesday throughout the rest of the week, I have begun to heal.  The biopsy left nothing more than a small prick of a needle, a bruise and a shit ton of internal bone pain.  It has been uncomfortable at best, downright painful as shit at worst.  The spot is just in an unfortunate place as it is aggravated when I sit, recline, lay down on either side or my back, walk around or drive.  This then aggravates the other affected sites which then causes the bone pain to radiate down my legs.  I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, just being real.  I have literally become my own pain in the ass.....

I have had been blessed with family and friends being my lifeline right now.  They are tethering themselves to me, keeping me steady, making me laugh so hard I almost pee and talking me through the tears.  I had a good release Thursday night, it was probably one of the lowest points for me this week.  I don't know why but it was a trifecta of a clusterfuck happening all at once.  I was in pain, I had a fever, I felt alone, scared, tired, overwhelmed and tired of living my story.  There were a few angels unbeknownst to them that this was happening who called and texted that night....it helped take the edge off but I think I needed to let it go...let it come out...drain the tear ducts.  Which is exactly what I did, hiding in the bathroom with the shower running so Jack wouldn't hear me, I let loose while texting my poor sister who is so far away.  She rallied though and stayed with me through the storm...Bless her for that.  

You might wonder why I am over sharing....is it a condition I have?  No...I don't think it's something to be alarmed of or something for me to be ashamed of....this is now part of my life.  But the amazing thing is, what I need everyone to remember, is I am still me...tits and ass and all.  I will be a hot mess at times, I will be the same old Jo at times.  I need cyber filled pages of love and prayers, I need random text messages and calls and face to face chats.  I need alone time and time when I am surrounded by people to the point of suffocation.  I need to release.  I need to hold my shit together.  I need to be strong and be weak. I need to listen and pray.  I need to feel.  I need all of it and I also need to remember that I cannot do this alone.  I am humbled by what we are receiving. I am indebted in gratitude for the kindness, love, prayers, hands on help, check ins, hugs, laughs, prayers and peace you all are sharing with my family.   This journey will be a long one because I am not ready for it to be anything but that.  Stay with me, stay strong, and I will pay if forward to each and every one of you in whatever way I can.  I promise you that.

Peace ✌ 
Jo