Twist of Fate

Hey y'all....it's me....

PSA Alert....this post will contain some profanity....I will apologize up front but I hope once you read through you will understand.

Well ain't this a son-of-a-bitch and goddamn!  I haven't posted for a while and I hope you are wondering where I have been, I haven't fallen into a well but I have been under the weather.  There is no easy way for me to say this so I am just going to rip the band aid off and work backwards from there.  I have cancer...again....yep....that's fucking right!  Can you believe the bitch that is!  Let me tell you, I can't...I am still in shock.  So here is my shit of a nightmare I have been living these past few weeks.

Around April 1st I started feeling not the greatest.  My body was achy and I was running a low grade fever on and off, nothing more than what I assumed to be the flu or some variation of a viral illness.  As that week went on, I would have good days and bad days and was talking with both my GP and GI doc - don't know if you recall - but I was pre-prepping for my upcoming colonoscopy.  The GP felt it was viral based on the low grade fever and body aches though did become concerned when on Wednesday April 5th, the pain in my lower body became so extreme I had to leave work.  At that point my GI doc was requesting a clean bill of health from the GP prior to  the colonoscopy otherwise we would not be able to proceed.  I went in to see my GP, Dr.R and he ordered a round of blood tests, a flu test, and a few other things.  Everything came back fine except for one inflammatory marker in my blood work however Dr. R was able to explain that as possibly due to a virus.  Dr. R did recommend at that time that I post pone my colonoscopy.  I then went about my week and into the weekend, again having good and bad days.  On Sunday, April 9th, my right breast began to ache, almost felt like infection and I was beginning to worry that something was going on with my implant.  The next day, Monday, I called Dr. R once again - seriously beginning to feel like a real pain in the ass for nothing more than a virus but the boob issue was bothering me.  He immediately recommended I see my oncologist - Dr. K.

Dr. K examined me and was equally baffled in that nothing I was showing, my low grade fever or my blood test results were anything that screamed....ALL ABOARD FOR THE CANCER TRAIN!.  He did find some tissue tenderness near my right breast, a little bony tenderness in my hip and low back and was concerned with my weight loss.  I easily explained this away with "well you are pushing on my body so of course it will be tender and yes I have lost weight, I have cleaned up my eating, I am working out hard with cardio and weight training and my migraines have been easing off".  Dust off my hands and call it a day.  Dr. K even felt that it could be viral but decided to run his own set of blood work.  By the time he called me that evening with the results, I was back in bed, fever and aching, freezing with 6 blankets on me.  Dr. K was quite surprised to hear this as my chemistry panel looked good except for now 2 elevated inflammatory markers. Those markers, the weight loss, and the pain in my boob helped him make the decision to order a CT scan.

TOOT TOOT - cancer train was calling.  I have been down this road before.  Mystery illnesses that do not lend to convention and doctors ordering imaging because they need to get a better picture.  I went into this CT thinking "no worries" just don't want to drink the barium shit.  Bolstered by my faithful side kick, Liz, we went for my test....drank all the shit like a good girl, laid still as a stone and before I knew it Liz and I were hanging out in the waiting room for Dr. K to call me with the results. I kept saying "I'm not worried, it's nothing".  After about 2 hours the receptionist informed me that Dr. K was unavailable and would call my cell.  No problem I thought as it's not going to be anything anyways.  In my pushy yet not pushy fashion, I simply asked..."is it a nay or yay" (doing the thumbs up or down hand signal).  With that, she printed me my report and told me to take care.

I held on to that report like it was the dead sea scrolls.  I could tell Liz was a little concerned but knew better than to take it from me.  She did gently say that we should open it in the car.  Poor thing, I barely let her get into the drivers seat when I was scanning my eyes over the papers, landing on the conclusion page where I saw the words METASTATIC 4 times.  I flipped, hyperventilated, bolted from the car like a lady on fire and ran to the other end of the parking lot.  Not entirely sure where the fuck I was going but I needed to move.  Liz in her best way...God I love her for being my rock, picked me up, held me tight, and brought me back to the car.  She called John, sicced him on calling Dr. K and took me to the only place I wanted to go...home.

With that, John and I left the house to get me out and clear my head.  All I wanted was french fries so we indulged in a big bag of greasy, salty fries from 5 Guys and talked and talked and talked, not sure about what as we really didn't know what anything on that report meant.  I received a call from Dr. K that evening and he confirmed what every cancer survivor does not want to hear...there are lesions showing signs of suspicious metastatic disease.  I don't really remember what I did next other than to cry and feel the fear sink in.  Dr. K ordered a nuclear bone scan for the next day and we said good-bye....there wasn't much to say at that point as we were speculating....another huge no-no when dealing with cancer.  I ended up at my friend Mary's house, a fellow survivor and we looked at that report 6 ways from Sunday, I told her what Dr. K said and we cried....a lot....let's face it.....I knew this was not going to be anything but shit on a stick.

April 12th, I had my nuclear bone scan....not all together a bad test but I am not a fan of small spaces....nonetheless,,,,after being injected with nuclear isotopes, they scanned me head to toe, front and back.  Again....more waiting.  Thursday morning, April 13th, Dr. K called and confirmed that what they saw on the scans are indeed metastatic breast cancer in my bones....or bone mets.  WHAT THE FUCK!  How did this just happen....and in a not so ironic twist, only 1 day earlier than my first diagnosis 6 years ago.

So what now....I bet you all are thinking what now?  I know that's what I want to know, every bit and detail of information I could get from Dr. K.  The thing is, I still need to have a biopsy, so at this point I am in a sort of cancer purgatory where waiting for more information is like being in limbo...a sort of cancer hell.  My biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday, April 19th and I will have my follow up appointment with Dr K on Monday, April 24th where he will outline the results of the biopsy, the type of breast cancer cell we are dealing with, the scan results and ultimately my treatment options.  Again, one day earlier than what I consider my cancer free date from 6 years ago.  The universe is fucking hysterical in their irony....I, for one, am not laughing anymore.

Dr. K assures me not to get ahead of myself.  I know that is meant with the deepest empathy but I am a person who wants, almost needs to be in control.  I need to know what this means and how this is going to impact me, my kids, John.  My poor babies....more on them in a second.  This is what I do know.  This is a metastatic disease, meaning that one of my earlier breast cancer cells has migrated and implanted and festered and grown and decided to fuck up another organ of my body....my bones.  There are at least 5 sites with lesions, my iliac bones, my scaral bones, a few spots on my spine, my sternum, and some ribs.  I also know this is not curable....but is supposed to be treatable.  As Dr K told me, if you had to choose where your disease came back, bones is a good place that responds well to treatment.  He says many people can live "many, many years" with treatment but again some develop problems after a few years and well...then....

With my first cancer tango, there was a symmetry to everything, there was a beginning, a middle and a definite end where life went back to normal and life moved on, I moved on.  With this tango, I have a beginning....my diagnosis.  I will have a middle....my treatment.  I DO NOT WANT an end because that will mean the end of me and I am not ready to face that, not one fucking bit!

My hope is obviously for the first option, I hope, I PRAY, that I will respond to treatment, that we will suppress my disease and force its furry little cancer ass back into remission.  I don't know why but I always picture cancer cells as furry little fuckers.

My babies are amazing, they astound me with their attitude...it was like..."OK, you get treatment, you go into remission and you are good".  God Bless them for this....I hope maybe HE is listening to them because I sort of feel like HE is bullying me.  I am not saying that I don't deserve this anymore than the next person, I am not better than anyone.  I have however carried and faced my share of hurdles throughout my life, from literally the day I was born until now.  I know there are others out there who face far worse than what I am facing, I am just tired of being dealt a raw deal because there is no other words than THIS KIND OF SUCKS.

I am swinging on a pendulum of emotions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.  I am scared, terrified, angry, isolated, and paralyzed with everything that is happening.  I know how to be a cancer survivor but I do not know how to be a person who has to live alongside it everyday.  I am not a survivor anymore, I am a person with this disease, no longer "Beyond the Color Pink" but now swimming amongst it's hues.

I will use this blog as my "care page" as it is cathartic for me to write and release the swirling dervish of words in my head.  Maybe now, I will sleep tonight, maybe now I will begin to find some peace and hope.  I ask for your prayers to whatever God, Karma, MO JO, or spirit you believe in, I am no longer in a position to be choosy, I am simply trying my absolute DAMNEDEST to be here for my babies, John, my family and friends.

Thank you for listening.  My apologies on my curse words.  Warmest thoughts and many thanks to y'all.

Peace ✌