Funky Town

Hey y'all... it's me...

Day 3 of my Fucked up Funk - and the worst part is, I cannot even begin to tell you why I am feeling this way .  Reality speaks to everything is going well, I am bumping and grinding along to my new rhythm, I am working on some creative projects.  I have felt the love of so many kids (thanks to Miss T) who have been buying and proudly wearing "Team JoJo" bracelets.  I have simply been living life, day to day, mundane task to mundane task - which is something I should revel in because who knows when the other shoe will fall from the sky and smack me backwards.  Sherlock, I think I have just discovered a clue to my puzzle.

There is this expectation that I should be so happy, so thrilled to be where I am currently living with my mets.  I am reminded often that I need to enjoy this now and live for this moment because who knows what's coming.  However, I know what's coming, I have seen it and though I don't know when that something is coming, I know that it is not a matter of "what if" anymore but more simply of WHEN!  Please... before I go on, I know it will seem that I am feeling sorry for myself and to be truthful there is a bit of a party going on in my head.  High heels, tiara's and tea and lonely old me, weeping into a lace handkerchief.  The problem is, I know this, rationally I know the issue, I also know the solution but yet I cannot seem to marry these two ideas together to make peace with the "WHEN".  Deep down, I know that I am still the humble warrior, still a thriver, yet there is a cloud of funky punk that is dimming the light within me - temporarily!  Trust me, John has already pointed out that I am way past my 24 hour allowance and I need to wrap this shit up with a bow and kick it on down the road.

I am somewhat of a misfit, always have been - misfit, misjudged, misused, misunderstood - if there is a "mis" word out there, I bet it can be used to describe me. No, no I am not fishing for compliments, it just is what it is.  I feel the same way now that I did back in high school, there wasn't one crowd that I aligned with.  I have talked before of being the one who was picked on, bullied etc and I rebelled - A LOT!  I feel somewhat like that now, not that I am being bullied, that's not it - just different from others I have met whether in person or via Facebook from the mets community or even others from within my tree of life!  Let's talk first about others within my tree of life.  Every single one of you has my heart, and I am so grateful for all of your love and support.  But let's face it, I am different now and I think I struggle with that.  I feel as if the sand in my hour glass is slowly running out and I don't think that is something most others often think about.  I know you can say, we are all terminal and we just don't know what the future holds, but this is different.  I can't explain it well, it's just different.  This feeling can get me twitchy - like a coffee addict needing a hit of caffeine - I sometimes cannot get it to stop niggling in my ear.

I am asked often "how are you".  I recently was at an event where I saw a lot of people that I don't run into regularly.  It was great, all the hugs and well wishes, the love was pouring over me and damn, I needed that.  I really, really needed that and the funny thing was, I didn't even know it until it was happening.  One friend asked me "how are you really" because often my answer is "I'm OK" or "I'm hanging in" but I looked at her and said honestly, the hardest part is staying positive and grateful for everyday because it can be exhausting. I said to her that the mental mind game can get to me because I just feel so different from everyone else and that is a scary, lonely place to live in.  On the other hand, I told her that writing helps, it allows me to live this journey authentically and with truth and vulnerability which is something people are often afraid of allowing the world to see.  For me, though, I don't know how to do this any other way but to be truthful about what I am going through.  We live in a society of putting forth only what we want others to see, an illusion, you could say.  A magical trick that shows the best, the brightest, the thinnest, the happiest, the most of the most of the most of everything.  Sometimes, this gets to me because even though I know everyone has their own bag of shit in their life, I measure myself up to the "most" of everything and I often come up short. There is a ticking in my ear that can be as loud as a jet plane.  The clock has been set.

And with truth be told, it is hard to face those people who deny my disease or those who say things that make me feel as if I am fighting nothing more than a simple cold.  I know that probably sounds terrible to you and it makes me sound like an ungrateful shrew of a human being.  I feel terrible about myself for being so sensitive, UGH....damn cancer bitch!  I know this is one of those things no one knows what to say or do with - Hell, I don't know what to say or do, what is right or wrong, what is helpful or simply no help at all.  Maybe this blog is no help, I don't know... that is the thing, I am winging it without a net and sometimes a hug and a prayer is the best thing you can say or do.  Sometimes, YOU reminding me that I am still Jo, is the best gift anyone can give me.

Now for the mets community, I think this is why I am being so sensitive and feel so disconnected.   I'm going to say up front, I mean no offense, we all have our opinions and have to walk in the face of our own truth, wherever that may lie.   There is this mindset in the mets community which forsakes the pink ribbon.  It was recently brought to my attention that I may be the minority with continuing to feel an alliance with the pink ribbon.  Yes, there are the politics of the ribbon being used for marketing campaigns and then monies not being donated towards the cause or monies only going toward the rah, rah rally, happy ending stories.  However, I started my sisterhood as a pink ribbon survivor and I have many, many good friends who are still part of that sisterhood and I am so grateful they are still there.  I don't ever want that to change.  I still want people to see the pink ribbon and think about their boobs, or call to make their mammogram appointment, or talk with their daughters or mothers about breast cancer.  I don't think about what the pink ribbon cannot do for me but instead think about what it can do for so many.  There is no room for blame or dislike in my humble path.  I also don't begrudge those who feel anger towards the ribbon.  I simply feel like I don't belong anywhere and I am lost in a cotton candy colored world, yet the color has been stripped from my sight for I am afraid to speak my truth.

What I am left with in the aftermath of this case of finger vomiting - is shame.  I feel shame for what I am feeling.  For me, there is shame in putting my family through this bullshit, for getting sick, for needing financial help, for feeling isolated, for feeling lonely, for feeling less than, for feeling pain, or fatigue. I think right now, I just feel shame for feeling anything and everything. 

Now that I have poured out my soul and y'all are reading this with your mouths hanging open, here are a few steps that hopefully will help.  Close your mouth, take a breath, inhale and exhale, repeat several times.  Remember this actually helps me... That makes no sense and I know there is at least one of you ready to call Linden Oaks or some other place to have me take a "rest".  But honest, hand to Bible, this helps me.  It allows the words to stop swirling like a tornado and the dust to settle.  It actually lightens the weight on my shoulders and I now feel as if I am not suffocating as much.  Maybe this will help the funky punk move on out and allow myself some time to heal emotionally... again.  To be fair, there is a lot of transition going on, the end of summer, start of school, freshman year for Jack.  With every end shall be a beginning and with every transition there are memories of who I once was and feelings of nostalgia.  I am working on allowing myself the grace to "feel all the feels"  HAHA.... - that one is for you Miss J!

Now, I don't want y'all to worry and please don't be mad at me.  See, there is that sensitive side again.  Even though I know it is OK and healthy to own my truth, I am afraid of the aftermath.  I am a work in progress so I guess, I will add this to my list of things to work on with my hypnotist and therapist and every other "ist" in my world.  There are days for the happy mantras and then there are moments when the only mantra you can say is "Fuck"!  In the meantime - I love you all!  Thank you for being part of my Team JoJo!

Peace ✌
Jo