Walk in Faith without Sight

Hey y'all... it's me...

This will be my third attempt at writing this week, for some reason I have some writers block and fear - not sure why that is but these days I do not question my emotions, I simply allow them to roll over me and blow away with the wind.  The past few weeks since my last post, I have been working on balance and acceptance and learning to love the color gray and appreciate it for its intrinsic beauty.  Dr. K has given me the results of my follow up CT scan which showed more lovely shades of gray but this time also a lot of white.  He was able to see white on the scan in areas of my bone that previously looked black on the initial CT scan.  His interpretation of this is healing bone, receding cancer and both Ibrance and Xgeva doing their jobs as mighty little drugs with a big impact. Not clinical remission as of yet but hopefully getting closer.  My only wish is that the researchers would find a test to emphatically determine what is metastatic disease and what is healed bone on a scan, this sure would put a lot of people at ease who are floating around the nebulous gray zones of MBC.

Nonetheless this is where acceptance comes into play, I am always a work in progress but who the heck isn't these days.  I am realizing the ebb and flow of my emotions, my acceptance, my balance are all factors that are essential in learning to walk in faith without sight and letting go of fear.  I popped into mass one day last week, last minute, unexpected, different church, different day and I was by myself.  I usually go with a dear friend and there is a comfort sitting next to him in silence as we share this spiritual experience.  However last week, I followed my gut and did something spontaneous and the sermon or homily (I get that confused still - not a grade A Catholic) was about walking in faith without sight and letting go of fear.  This resonated with me for so many reasons but I think it is something everyone can identify with.  We all technically walk in faith without sight, whatever that faith is, we do not know what the next year, month, day or even hour holds.  We are essentially blind to the future and if we allowed this to shackle us in fear, we would be a people stagnant in their every intention.  And really, who wants this. 

For me, there is a degree of fear in my life everyday, it is the fear of what if, the unknowns, the scary next progression of an unwanted life sentence.  This is where my balance must come in.  I walk a thin tight rope everyday, balancing gracefully and in my minds eye, I am decked out in sequins and feathers, ballet slippers, and with my hair in a fancy bun.  I imagine my tight rope to be made of the finest silk as I glide across, stumbling often but always pulling myself back up to a posture of grace and great poise.  Now here is the thing - this is an image of strength for me and I have begun to empower these images and my inner mantras to help feed the amount of energy I must use every day to push forward, be positive and seek happiness and serenity.  I do not think it is possible to know how exhausting it is to stay in this "pushing forward" peaceful state.

This leads me to wondering about my life list.  Would I have ever created one if it weren't for the big C?  I think a list like this is something everyone should have, call it a dream board or a hope bucket or simply shit I want to see and do, it forces us to make time for moments, for dreams to be fulfilled, and I think it re energizes the soul.  I recently went on a 2 day adventure to see some lavender fields in Michigan with dear friends.  There was a lot of fear going in, how would I feel, John isn't with me, what if something happens, I have a lot of baggage that I try to keep private etc but I threw the fear out the window and found peace, laughter,  and joy in the fragrant fields, the glorious sun on the beach, and even a little bit of excitement on a dune ride where I was able to see beauty at it's finest.  I think the most beautiful realization for me was the amazing way my friends made this happen, they gave their time and love and followed a wish of mine to experience it with me, I am humbled by their unconditional kindness, love and support and hope they found the same peace and serenity I did in the beauty of Michigan.  

Our final stop in Holland, Michigan brought every emotion you could think to name. I hit the lowest of lows, falling asleep in a boutique store chair as I was tired and my migraine was winning the war and then went on to experience one of the highest of highs seeing the beauty of that beach.  I think I could have sat down and stayed there forever if it weren't for the wind, the cold, and the fact that my ride was heading home.  I will be adding Holland Michigan to my life list as I found so much peace there on that beach.  I was able to take my mortifying moment and turn it around as I carved "thrive" in the sand and even as the wind was erasing it before my eyes, I felt the weight of fear, exhaustion, embarrassment, anger, and sadness lift and blow across the roaring lake.  I was back to pushing forward - onward ho, my friends, that is the only direction we can go.

For now, I will continue to be a pursuer of my life list.  There is nothing planned yet but I look forward to whatever adventure comes next.  I will continue to explore my faith and spirituality.  I will continue to work on letting go of fear, not just cancer fear but fear in general as being afraid has always been easier for me than being fearless.  I will continue to thicken my skin and not allow the judgement I place on myself or the judgement I feel others place upon me to weaken me, it is sometimes hard to hear what others have to say to me - that is a post for another time or maybe never but know that I am working on letting go of that as well.   I will continue to be mindful in my movements, in my therapies, in my treatments, and in my life, balancing cancer life with real life, knowing that missing my babies is real no matter what I have.  I will work on holding my head high as I walk, I find myself looking down and hunching forward as to hide, an old habit from long, long ago. And I will continue to explore this creative side I am feeling, hoping to reveal soon a special project I have been working on for y'all.  

It seems I have just given myself a nice little to do list and everyone knows I love my lists.  I will also work on breaking through the block, finding my comedic side for y'all again as I imagine those posts are more enjoyable to read.  I leave you with this intention my friends - walk in faith without sight and live without fear no matter what shapes your world.  We all are made to THRIVE in our lives.  

Peace ✌
Jo