Humble Warrior

Hey y'all....it's me....

It has been way too long for me to put "pen to paper" but I have been seriously suffering from writers block.  Every time I would sit to write, I would either draft my work, erase what I had started, or realize I filled the page with one run on sentence of profanity.  It sort of looked something like this; FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, SHIT, DAMN, SIGH.  I have been having a mental conflict of sorts that is like 2 old Italian grandmas arguing with each other.  Both grandmas look like me, aged, round and plump from mostaciolli, and both calling the other Stunad.  The argument goes something like this....you need to get feisty, no, I am at peace, but you need to prepare to fight -where's my spoon, no I feel calm, BAH you Stunad, no you Stunad!  The circle of verbal sparring, unfriendly hand gestures, and bickering has been going round and round in my head until today.  Today I was called a humble warrior and my inner Italian grandmas were both stunned into silence.  I think, I even saw them quietly nodding their heads as if to say....yes, yes...this girl - she is wise.  

For the past week or so I feel as if I have been looking for someone, the old feisty, fiery, fighter from 6 years ago....the cancer chick that I was.  Guns blazing, angry music, frustrated, fighting everything from the air around me to the innocent person who looked at me wrong.  I had a chip on my shoulder at times, bald and proud, and never giving up.  I have been scared that person was lost and that somehow with her gone, I was sending the wrong cosmic message, a message of giving up.  I was literally fighting the peace I felt, angry at myself for this weak behavior, calling myself out for being a loser for not putting my pink boxing gloves on.  I have struggled so much because when I would allow the peace to wash over me, it felt like golden rays of sun, bright glorious rainbows of healing light, I felt a sense of calm that was so beautiful it could make me cry.  Then the grandmas would come out swinging their wooden spoons at each other and the internal war would start all over again.   
Today, I felt that peace again and knew with the help of an amazing teacher, a master of restoration that being a humble warrior doesn't mean I am giving up, it simply means I am allowing love to help heal my body and soul.  I know I am sounding a little like a peace loving, arms waving in the air, hippie chick but maybe that is part of my new journey.  Does this mean I am going to stop saying "this fucking sucks, or fuck - this is hard as balls"?  No, not at all, it simply means I am going to take a less inflamed approach, a quieter more focused fight, a targeted fight - you could say.   And how poetic is that because this time, my treatment is a targeted treatment.  Let me explain....

6 years ago, we cut my body, we removed major parts of myself, we obliterated every cell both good and bad, we poisoned, we burned my skin, we tore me down.  It was a declaration of war and I was fighting mad and came out swinging hard, dragging my ass through each round, each cut, each burn, because I knew I had too fight hard to take all of the blows coming at me.  I was dodging bullets left right and center.  It was so fucking hard.  This time, John and I have struggled with the quieter war.  The minor surgery, the chemotherapy pill???  It felt so passive, so un-war like, so simple.  It didn't make sense to us...this cancer is Stage Fucking 4!  Why are we not blowing this shit up.? Why are we not attacking the enemy from every end? So we asked Dr K.  He is so good, patient and kind.  He has explained this to us many times but something happens when you hear "you have cancer".  You sort of lose your hearing as if your ears have been boxed.  Picture the cartoon character that just ran face first into a wall, falls back, and stars are circling their head.  That is what you feel like hearing those words.  So often times, your doctor has to explain things over and over again...for patients who haven't quite recovered from the face plant into the wall.

Dr. K explained this therapy is targeted against the cancer cells.  We know what feeds the cancer, we look for the pathways and we block them and the feeding source - hence the removal of my tubes and ovaries (feeding source) and chemo pill and estrogen blockers (blocking the pathways).  This quieter more targeted approach doesn't mean we aren't fighting as hard, we simply are more targeted in our mania.  Dr. K explained because this cancer is Stage 4 (he is too good to say it the way I do) we don't want to tear the body down, in the long run that isn't going to help me win this fight and live a long time in remission.  This is why he is so super ass smart and why I trust him so much.  He is patient and understanding and knows how against my grain this is for me not to be spitting mad and punching walls.  He actually told my gynecologist "she is very calm".  That makes me smile, I feel like I have made him proud.  I know you will tell me I don't have too, but I am a pleaser and not only am I making him proud, I think I have made my mom and dad in heaven proud and I am proud of myself...

Dr. NW (gyne) is also one of the best.  She starts our appointments with a hug and ends with a prayer.  We laugh, we cry, she is another person who fills my body with love and healing light.  Today I told her of my restorative practice with my friend, I explained how at peace I was and conflicted I felt.  She told me of Dr. K's statement, she told me how she can also see the calm this time and that maybe , just maybe God is telling me something special.  This calm, this peace is dousing the inflammation in order for my body to receive more healing, to fight longer against this cancer, to not have 2 ends sparring one another from opposite sides.   I explained that I am not giving up, I still have small battles of side effects daily that I need to combat but I want to come at this with love, strength, light, and power.  Dr. NW took my hands, hugged me tight and said "you will with love and peace".

My mission now will be of learning how to accept this new pink thriving warrior.  I know I will sway from my path and I will experience anger and frustration but my goal is going to dose those flames with faith, love and light.  This new journey has been so different and I have been fighting these differences for weeks.  From my side effects, my food choices, my wellness path, my angels, my treatment plan - all of it is new, different, and scary as hell.  My wise friend also told me to "stay connected with people who speak truth".  There have been angels at my side from my very first baby step on this new cancer path, some expected and some surprises and now I have finally realized it is because God is surrounding me with what I need.  He is surrounding me with inner knowledge and peace, surrounding me with angels who can help me thrive and love me no matter what I have or who I am, and surrounding me with the quiet power of 1000 warriors lifting me up.  

I will most likely continue to waver a bit with my conflicted emotions, there are still night time demons, there are still side effects which attempt to destroy my peace and still days where it all seems too much and unreal.  However this time, I will use the mantra, I am strong and I am loved to help me power through anything that is trying to tear me down. 

Hopefully I will be back sooner this time than later.  

Peace ✌ 

Jo