Cross Posted
Hey y'all... it's me...
It's been a while my friends
and I am sorry for that. This blog post is a little raw, a little funny
(I hope you see the humor) but yet very, very real. I hope you read it
with all the love and kindness I have put into it and take away from it
something that speaks to your heart.
We all are on a journey,
that is what makes life a living, breathing fluid dance. As always, I
thank you for reading, for sharing, for commenting, for supporting me
and my family with your hope, prayers, well wishes and kind words. You
make this journey easier.
Peace,
Jo
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Walking an Inner Journey: Hey y'all... it's me... YOOHOO - January - where did you go? I feel like I have been avoiding my keyboard, if I get too close o...
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Walking an Inner Journey
Hey y'all... it's me...
YOOHOO - January - where did you go? I feel like I have been avoiding my keyboard, if I get too close or stare at it too long, I may actually sit down and try to pour something intelligent out of my brain. So, here I go, I am doing it, I can feel the magic happening, it's percolating, oh shit - there's smoke coming out of my ears, insert Jeopardy music here...
Sigh! 😧
January has been bat shit crazy for lack of a better term. Some of you have followed the winding, spinning, upside down ride of the MBC roller coaster with me over on my Team JoJo Facebook page but for those who haven't here it is in a more condensed version. 4 days into the month, I celebrated 2018 with my own version of glow in the dark lights - i.e. a nuclear bone scan. The next day, Dr. K called to let me know he was concerned about the images, there were an awful lot of "new lit up areas". His answer to this was MRI imaging to get a better, clearer picture because with all the pain I was having his concern was my cancer found a new food source and was on the move. I, of course, ran around somewhat like Chicken Little thinking "oh shit, this is the first time Dr. K has been concerned about progression, it's only been 9 months, this is too soon, shit, shit, shit". 18 days later, MRI was complete, not one but 2 due to a hospital error and low and behold, all of those "lit up areas" are new bone growth. Instead of progression, we found regression, now picture me doing my version of the "Dougie" 😁.
With all of this whirling emotion, January has disappeared for me. I think last Monday was the first time I felt I could breathe, fully, deeply and with my whole body. In hindsight, I think "why did you panic" but then I also think "of course, the first time is going to be the hardest". Throughout the whole month, I was still being a mom, going to swim meets, trying to "workout (HA!), doing my PT, cooking, cleaning etc but this weight on my shoulders was 2 tons too heavy for me to carry. And now without the weight, without the adrenaline, without all of the extra baggage, I have woken up, 2 days away from February, feeling a little dazed and confused. I think it's sort of like a bear waking up from hibernation - the last thing they remember is hunkering down for a long sleep and then they wake up bleary-eyed, confused that the flowers are starting to bloom. Every time I walk into a store and see hearts and candy for Valentine's Day, I think - "what the shit, we just finished with Christmas"!
I'm not going to lie, it was a little taxing starting the New Year off like this. There was/is a delayed after Christmas funk that's starting to creep in. This is never a good thing for anyone, let alone someone who tends to "think" too much. I am just going to say this out loud - I was dreading the start of a NEW YEAR, it sounds so spectacular. Then you hop on every type of social media, TV program, or magazine and you are immersed in a world of everything being bright, sparkly, shiny and NEW. You know what I mean the "get your new body, new car, new home, new decor, new workout, new social life, new spring, new summer, new glow" - everything is so damn NEW and all I could think of was "well, this is going to be fan-fucking-tastic, there is nothing NEW about me and what I have.
OK - STOP - Don't yell at me! I can hear y'all tittering at me. But hear me out, and then if you still think I am full of shit, you can tell me to knock it off and stop being a pain in the ass. It is time I face my TRUTH and the fluidity that comes with it. There are days, I feel as strong as Wonder Woman and then there are days, moments even, I feel like the person who Wonder Woman just defeated. I am sure a lot of people can say they have felt this way, the high's and lows of life. However, it is true in that there isn't going to be a whole lot of NEW going on in my world. I can't make my body new again. I can't plant a magic money tree. I can't find the perfect "insert any word here" again because I still have MBC and that, my friends is simple fact. Please don't say but "this is your new normal" - ugh - double ugh. And please don't say "but you are alive" because I know that and I am SO GRATEFUL to be alive.
This discovery has led me on a mindful journey, an inner journey, a discovery of truth and acceptance. It is a TOTAL work in progress, I am not even close to a full awakening yet. Last year, I was embarking on a fitness journey, I was not asking in embarrassment for financial help, I was reveling in all I was learning to do. Then it all changed once April 13th came and went. I had to shift and shift fast into everything I never was before. I morphed into a different person. It's not just me but a lot of people have said this, there is something changed in my spirit, my aura, my essence. I don't think it was anything intentional, I think once all the dust settled, I had to figure out a new sort of coping strategy. But one thing I wasn't doing, was letting go of what I used to be able to do, quieting the comparison in my head and learning to simply "like" myself. I wasn't looking toward what CAN I do today, because for me that signified defeat, acceptance, and complacency. This mental mind fuck is really exhausting but as I am walking this inner journey, I am working on finding a way to love myself, treat myself with the same respect I give others, and find compassion within my own heart and mind.
The bare bottom TRUTH is, I am not the same person in body, mind, and spirit that I was before all of this began. Here is a deep dark secret, don't tell anyone, promise??? I don't think I have really liked this NEW (there it is again) version of me. I haven't taken the time to get to know her because it's too hard. Sometimes we want what is comfortable, what we know, and what gives us a feeling of success, that's to be expected. But when suddenly there is a new definition of what those things are and they no longer look or feel the same, (literally, breast cancer is not a skinny cancer) the world is turned so upside down, you don't know where to start. Hence losing an entire month, gaining 10-15 pounds in what feels like a blink but is really a steady build of my medicine, menopause and possibly one too many french fries, and a teenage like angst that is deeply bothersome.
Dr. K even said, it is OK to visit the dark side of stage IV cancer, just don't stay there too long. Visit, do what you need to do and then go back to the concept of living. I attempt to do this. I once said, during my first go around with cancer that I wanted to feel everything rather than be numb and feel nothing. I wouldn't be me, or the person who I think is me, or the person I am now - whomever that may be without wanting to feel everything. This journey is a spectacle of all the senses; sights, sounds, smells, touches, and tastes. If I were to take any one of those pieces away, I would be short changing my experience. I can recognize there is a different pace to my days, I am tapering myself to endure the marathon instead of sprinting though each day as fast as possible. All of this is part of what I am learning and accepting and just like everything else in life, sometimes it takes practice to find your own version of perfection. And to be fair, perfection is fleeting, it is not a destination but something to try and achieve and it is very important that the definition of perfection has to come from you, not from what you think the outside world defines as perfection. I honestly do not think I will ever attain any version of perfection, my goal is to simply find an easy compatibility with myself. One that doesn't judge as I walk past every mirror or mentally criticize every word, action or non action.
So....what to do, what
to do... First, please know I am already in therapy and all kinds at
that. Second, I purge. I purge mentally by sharing and over sharing
and over sharing and so on and so on and so on. I purge physically by
cleaning out one closet, one room, one drawer at a time until I will
eventually scour the entire house. By the way, on a side note, I feel
like I have been a closet hoarder and am seeking out a 12 step program
to help me work through this problem. Third, I work on self love and
care by shushing the bitch in my head, walking away from the scale, and
seeking out a positive mantra each day. Fourth, I re visit my life lists and set some activities to look forward to fulfilling. And fifth, I welcome the days,
the moments when the reality of fear, scary words or thoughts, the
sadness of nostalgia or missing my kids, family or friends seep in. In order to
live a full truth, the world cannot be all sunshine and roses, you need
to see the dark side of whatever you are facing. It is within this
darkness that you will find the tools and strength to tame the beast and
heal your body, mind, and spirit.
Peace ✌
Jo
YOOHOO - January - where did you go? I feel like I have been avoiding my keyboard, if I get too close or stare at it too long, I may actually sit down and try to pour something intelligent out of my brain. So, here I go, I am doing it, I can feel the magic happening, it's percolating, oh shit - there's smoke coming out of my ears, insert Jeopardy music here...
Sigh! 😧
January has been bat shit crazy for lack of a better term. Some of you have followed the winding, spinning, upside down ride of the MBC roller coaster with me over on my Team JoJo Facebook page but for those who haven't here it is in a more condensed version. 4 days into the month, I celebrated 2018 with my own version of glow in the dark lights - i.e. a nuclear bone scan. The next day, Dr. K called to let me know he was concerned about the images, there were an awful lot of "new lit up areas". His answer to this was MRI imaging to get a better, clearer picture because with all the pain I was having his concern was my cancer found a new food source and was on the move. I, of course, ran around somewhat like Chicken Little thinking "oh shit, this is the first time Dr. K has been concerned about progression, it's only been 9 months, this is too soon, shit, shit, shit". 18 days later, MRI was complete, not one but 2 due to a hospital error and low and behold, all of those "lit up areas" are new bone growth. Instead of progression, we found regression, now picture me doing my version of the "Dougie" 😁.
With all of this whirling emotion, January has disappeared for me. I think last Monday was the first time I felt I could breathe, fully, deeply and with my whole body. In hindsight, I think "why did you panic" but then I also think "of course, the first time is going to be the hardest". Throughout the whole month, I was still being a mom, going to swim meets, trying to "workout (HA!), doing my PT, cooking, cleaning etc but this weight on my shoulders was 2 tons too heavy for me to carry. And now without the weight, without the adrenaline, without all of the extra baggage, I have woken up, 2 days away from February, feeling a little dazed and confused. I think it's sort of like a bear waking up from hibernation - the last thing they remember is hunkering down for a long sleep and then they wake up bleary-eyed, confused that the flowers are starting to bloom. Every time I walk into a store and see hearts and candy for Valentine's Day, I think - "what the shit, we just finished with Christmas"!
I'm not going to lie, it was a little taxing starting the New Year off like this. There was/is a delayed after Christmas funk that's starting to creep in. This is never a good thing for anyone, let alone someone who tends to "think" too much. I am just going to say this out loud - I was dreading the start of a NEW YEAR, it sounds so spectacular. Then you hop on every type of social media, TV program, or magazine and you are immersed in a world of everything being bright, sparkly, shiny and NEW. You know what I mean the "get your new body, new car, new home, new decor, new workout, new social life, new spring, new summer, new glow" - everything is so damn NEW and all I could think of was "well, this is going to be fan-fucking-tastic, there is nothing NEW about me and what I have.
OK - STOP - Don't yell at me! I can hear y'all tittering at me. But hear me out, and then if you still think I am full of shit, you can tell me to knock it off and stop being a pain in the ass. It is time I face my TRUTH and the fluidity that comes with it. There are days, I feel as strong as Wonder Woman and then there are days, moments even, I feel like the person who Wonder Woman just defeated. I am sure a lot of people can say they have felt this way, the high's and lows of life. However, it is true in that there isn't going to be a whole lot of NEW going on in my world. I can't make my body new again. I can't plant a magic money tree. I can't find the perfect "insert any word here" again because I still have MBC and that, my friends is simple fact. Please don't say but "this is your new normal" - ugh - double ugh. And please don't say "but you are alive" because I know that and I am SO GRATEFUL to be alive.
This discovery has led me on a mindful journey, an inner journey, a discovery of truth and acceptance. It is a TOTAL work in progress, I am not even close to a full awakening yet. Last year, I was embarking on a fitness journey, I was not asking in embarrassment for financial help, I was reveling in all I was learning to do. Then it all changed once April 13th came and went. I had to shift and shift fast into everything I never was before. I morphed into a different person. It's not just me but a lot of people have said this, there is something changed in my spirit, my aura, my essence. I don't think it was anything intentional, I think once all the dust settled, I had to figure out a new sort of coping strategy. But one thing I wasn't doing, was letting go of what I used to be able to do, quieting the comparison in my head and learning to simply "like" myself. I wasn't looking toward what CAN I do today, because for me that signified defeat, acceptance, and complacency. This mental mind fuck is really exhausting but as I am walking this inner journey, I am working on finding a way to love myself, treat myself with the same respect I give others, and find compassion within my own heart and mind.
The bare bottom TRUTH is, I am not the same person in body, mind, and spirit that I was before all of this began. Here is a deep dark secret, don't tell anyone, promise??? I don't think I have really liked this NEW (there it is again) version of me. I haven't taken the time to get to know her because it's too hard. Sometimes we want what is comfortable, what we know, and what gives us a feeling of success, that's to be expected. But when suddenly there is a new definition of what those things are and they no longer look or feel the same, (literally, breast cancer is not a skinny cancer) the world is turned so upside down, you don't know where to start. Hence losing an entire month, gaining 10-15 pounds in what feels like a blink but is really a steady build of my medicine, menopause and possibly one too many french fries, and a teenage like angst that is deeply bothersome.
Dr. K even said, it is OK to visit the dark side of stage IV cancer, just don't stay there too long. Visit, do what you need to do and then go back to the concept of living. I attempt to do this. I once said, during my first go around with cancer that I wanted to feel everything rather than be numb and feel nothing. I wouldn't be me, or the person who I think is me, or the person I am now - whomever that may be without wanting to feel everything. This journey is a spectacle of all the senses; sights, sounds, smells, touches, and tastes. If I were to take any one of those pieces away, I would be short changing my experience. I can recognize there is a different pace to my days, I am tapering myself to endure the marathon instead of sprinting though each day as fast as possible. All of this is part of what I am learning and accepting and just like everything else in life, sometimes it takes practice to find your own version of perfection. And to be fair, perfection is fleeting, it is not a destination but something to try and achieve and it is very important that the definition of perfection has to come from you, not from what you think the outside world defines as perfection. I honestly do not think I will ever attain any version of perfection, my goal is to simply find an easy compatibility with myself. One that doesn't judge as I walk past every mirror or mentally criticize every word, action or non action.
Peace ✌
Jo
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Intentional Living in 2018
Hey y'all... it's me...
Happy 2018! Cheers to a new year, a new
set of goals, and thriving in life. You all have made 2017 a little
easier, your love, kindness, prayers and support have made this roller
coaster journey a little less lonely. From my family to each of you and
yours, may 2018 be filled with love, peace, laughter and light!
Here
is my latest blog post. I hope you see the honesty, humor and love
through my words. Thank you, as always, for reading, sharing,
commenting, and coming along on this ride of life.
Peace,
Jo
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Intentional Living in 2018: Hey y'all... it's me... How the hell are ya? Happy New Year 2018 - can you believe that shit? I certainly cannot, I mean I sw...
Happy 2018! Cheers to a new year, a new
set of goals, and thriving in life. You all have made 2017 a little
easier, your love, kindness, prayers and support have made this roller
coaster journey a little less lonely. From my family to each of you and
yours, may 2018 be filled with love, peace, laughter and light!
Here
is my latest blog post. I hope you see the honesty, humor and love
through my words. Thank you, as always, for reading, sharing,
commenting, and coming along on this ride of life.
Peace,
Jo
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Intentional Living in 2018: Hey y'all... it's me... How the hell are ya? Happy New Year 2018 - can you believe that shit? I certainly cannot, I mean I sw...
Intentional Living in 2018
Hey y'all... it's me...
How the hell are ya? Happy New Year 2018 - can you believe that shit? I certainly cannot, I mean I swear just a minute ago I was doing a FaceBook quiz - you know the ones that tell you your future and are 100% truth??? HA! But seriously, that quiz told me 2017 was my year of Change and in this case, it was pretty spot on. I don't necessarily think FaceBook was predicting my MBC future but Change was certainly how last year played out for me. As I entered the New Year's holiday, I decided to forgo the FaceBook quizzes and instead chose to enter 2018 without being tethered to any one specific word. I'm living life on the edge these days so why not free fall for at least the first part of the year. We will see how long this lasts, if I was a betting woman, I would give it less than one month before I decide I need something to cling too.
I had this whole other post written over the weekend about how my life is like living in the "in-betweens". I always seem to be "in-between" something, doctors, tests, new ailments or side effects, workouts, plans, moments but today I decided to try to take another look at things. I mean, all of us are in between something so why should I let it define me anymore than I let my cancer, my side effects or anything else define me. It is all a matter of how you live during your "in-betweens".
I am not going to lie and say that every moment of the last 14 days have been peachy green fabulous. It seems that my cervical stenosis is being very naughty and causing some pretty intense nerve pain in my arms, a sensation far from pleasant. I have done my due diligence in treating this as I wait for my orthopedic doc appointment and upcoming bone scan. Gotta check all the cancer boxes whenever a new ailment arises. I am doped up on muscle relaxers at night, a shit ton of Aleve and even broke into my edible stash. Though I've had the stash for some months now, I have always been too much of a baby to try it. All I can say, is I have experienced the slumber of sleeping beauty, snow white and Rapunzel all wrapped up into one long winters nap. I don't think I will be binging on those edibles anytime again soon, I mean unless I want to sleep the rest of 2018 away. Maybe this calls for another field trip to the dispensary but first need to raise a little "fun money".
Day 2 of this New Year and my head seems to be a bit clearer or at least less gray and gloomy. The New Year brings out the idea of resolutions for many people. If you are anything like me, you make a resolution and by the end of the first month, POOF, you've already forgotten all about it. I feel making a resolution is like saying "I'm trying", it is almost automatically setting yourself up for failure. I have heard of making intentions instead and this is something I have occasionally played around with in the past. The idea of making an intention is more positive especially if your plan is to intend to be your very best version of yourself every day and in each moment you are experiencing.
I think about how many intentions I have set since my MBC. I have worked on my mental state of being, my health and wellness and my spiritual goals with the very best intentions in mind. However my efforts are more like a start and stop approach, occasionally there is a detour on my trip and sometimes I stop off to sleep the days away or wallow in a pool of pity due to my circumstance. Other times, I stop off to dive further into the intention I am working on, head first, relishing in the success I am feeling at that moment, without any idea how long that side trip will last. Then, there are times when my intentions are simply set aside, sort of like that Louis Vuitton cancer bag I carry. I know they are there but for whatever reason, I can't deal with them. It all becomes just too much. This is part of how I live during the "in-betweens", I am either full steam ahead, slow and steady winning the race, or chasing butterflies on a detour.
So now, as I sit here today, finally in a quiet house, with no more Christmas clutter, I am thinking ahead. Not too far - don't get crazy on me - you know I am not in the time travel business. But I am thinking of what I would like to do this year, even though I am more stagnant than usual due to the stenosis and even though financially, things are hard - turning over a new insurance calendar year, deductibles, increased premiums and a house in Yorkville we cannot seem to unload. However I am having a positive moment, thinking there will be some luck at the end of this particular journey and I will again find activity, days of feeling well, and increased business for John. I have written my intentions on paper, framed it nicely and placed it on my desk to see everyday. The intent (see what I did there) is to use this list as motivation, I kept it pretty general, more long term goals and only a few simple things to check off the list. This way as I move forward with my life and living alongside my MBC, I will never be without an idea or focus. It's all about a mind game, folks. You need to trick your pretty little head into believing your capabilities and then by doing so, maybe your setbacks won't be so hard to swallow.
I will never suggest I have all the answers, in fact I am like that eager 3rd grade student who is constantly raising their hand with "just one more question". I change my mindset daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute. I can be feeling as fabulous as a Rockette or as low as the kid who's ice cream just fell on the cement. This has a lot to do with how I'm feeling physically. Right now, I am sedate due to the pain and frustration of being sent back to start once again. You'd be surprised at how important that rush of endorphins are from daily movement. Now, I could go walk the track or treadmill but I sort of feel "meh" over it, I mean it's hard to be your own personal motivator all the time when your arm and shoulder feel like they are somewhat on fire and as weak as a new born baby. It's a chemical thing, I think, I mean I am no mad scientist or fitness expert but without all those little chemical rushes, I think it's easy to fall into a slump. So what to do, what to do...
This is just another "in-between". If I look at it this way then maybe it won't become a permanent way of life or being. This is where it can get a little tricky. I want to be treated like everyone else, I want to read all the tips for "new year, new you", talk workouts and food with friends, try new and engaging activities, increase savings / lower debt etc. However in reality, a lot of this doesn't apply to me, there is always something that I simply cannot do not because I am being a whiny pain in the ass baby but because I have limitations. That is the frank, honest truth - there are limitations to my diseases, it just is what it is. And there are limitations to our financial health right now until our luck turns and that house sells. It is hard not to allow the limitations to define my everyday being. I mean, for example, as I am moving into my 9th month of this journey, I never know who really wants to hear what's going on in my life. The sad reality is my life is dominated by this journey as it takes up time, mental and physical energy, and a lot of emotion and strength. Often when others are talking of funny day to day life moments, laughing about trying a new gym or imbibing in drinks with friends, my conversations are more of an elderly person's aches, pains and doctor appointments and rants about insurance costs and the cost of living. And that is not doing my best 'woe is me" impression, it again, is what it is. So what happens with this... I get quiet. I get awkward. I retreat into the walls and then the mind fuck begins all over again. It is like a round robin but without the all the hilarity and enthusiasm of actually playing a game.
There are some people out there who will say this is my issue and I guess I will own that. A lot of the
mental mind fuck begins with the shit in my head. But then there are things outside of my control. These are the things that make my "in-between" moments a bit more of a daily struggle, I also think living in the arctic tundra, gray, gloomy skies and the lack of holiday hype can bring anybody down a few pegs. This is where I have to get a little creative to let out some steam and break out of my quiet, awkward retreat. I have to go back to my list of intentions, my moment to moment living, and remembering all the things I have going for me. I have my community for one. I have my breath - I mean my actual breath as I am still alive and kicking albeit juggling a few medical balls and I have the sensation to Thrive coursing through my veins.
So with this, I ask what are your thoughts, intentions or resolutions for 2018? Who really knows if I will achieve all of my intentions or if 2018 will be filled with mechanical bull riding, pole dancing lessons, water skiing, and sky diving. There is nothing too big or too small to keep you moving forward daily, moment to moment, one little forward step at a time.
Peace ✌
Jo
How the hell are ya? Happy New Year 2018 - can you believe that shit? I certainly cannot, I mean I swear just a minute ago I was doing a FaceBook quiz - you know the ones that tell you your future and are 100% truth??? HA! But seriously, that quiz told me 2017 was my year of Change and in this case, it was pretty spot on. I don't necessarily think FaceBook was predicting my MBC future but Change was certainly how last year played out for me. As I entered the New Year's holiday, I decided to forgo the FaceBook quizzes and instead chose to enter 2018 without being tethered to any one specific word. I'm living life on the edge these days so why not free fall for at least the first part of the year. We will see how long this lasts, if I was a betting woman, I would give it less than one month before I decide I need something to cling too.I had this whole other post written over the weekend about how my life is like living in the "in-betweens". I always seem to be "in-between" something, doctors, tests, new ailments or side effects, workouts, plans, moments but today I decided to try to take another look at things. I mean, all of us are in between something so why should I let it define me anymore than I let my cancer, my side effects or anything else define me. It is all a matter of how you live during your "in-betweens".
I am not going to lie and say that every moment of the last 14 days have been peachy green fabulous. It seems that my cervical stenosis is being very naughty and causing some pretty intense nerve pain in my arms, a sensation far from pleasant. I have done my due diligence in treating this as I wait for my orthopedic doc appointment and upcoming bone scan. Gotta check all the cancer boxes whenever a new ailment arises. I am doped up on muscle relaxers at night, a shit ton of Aleve and even broke into my edible stash. Though I've had the stash for some months now, I have always been too much of a baby to try it. All I can say, is I have experienced the slumber of sleeping beauty, snow white and Rapunzel all wrapped up into one long winters nap. I don't think I will be binging on those edibles anytime again soon, I mean unless I want to sleep the rest of 2018 away. Maybe this calls for another field trip to the dispensary but first need to raise a little "fun money".Day 2 of this New Year and my head seems to be a bit clearer or at least less gray and gloomy. The New Year brings out the idea of resolutions for many people. If you are anything like me, you make a resolution and by the end of the first month, POOF, you've already forgotten all about it. I feel making a resolution is like saying "I'm trying", it is almost automatically setting yourself up for failure. I have heard of making intentions instead and this is something I have occasionally played around with in the past. The idea of making an intention is more positive especially if your plan is to intend to be your very best version of yourself every day and in each moment you are experiencing.
I think about how many intentions I have set since my MBC. I have worked on my mental state of being, my health and wellness and my spiritual goals with the very best intentions in mind. However my efforts are more like a start and stop approach, occasionally there is a detour on my trip and sometimes I stop off to sleep the days away or wallow in a pool of pity due to my circumstance. Other times, I stop off to dive further into the intention I am working on, head first, relishing in the success I am feeling at that moment, without any idea how long that side trip will last. Then, there are times when my intentions are simply set aside, sort of like that Louis Vuitton cancer bag I carry. I know they are there but for whatever reason, I can't deal with them. It all becomes just too much. This is part of how I live during the "in-betweens", I am either full steam ahead, slow and steady winning the race, or chasing butterflies on a detour.
So now, as I sit here today, finally in a quiet house, with no more Christmas clutter, I am thinking ahead. Not too far - don't get crazy on me - you know I am not in the time travel business. But I am thinking of what I would like to do this year, even though I am more stagnant than usual due to the stenosis and even though financially, things are hard - turning over a new insurance calendar year, deductibles, increased premiums and a house in Yorkville we cannot seem to unload. However I am having a positive moment, thinking there will be some luck at the end of this particular journey and I will again find activity, days of feeling well, and increased business for John. I have written my intentions on paper, framed it nicely and placed it on my desk to see everyday. The intent (see what I did there) is to use this list as motivation, I kept it pretty general, more long term goals and only a few simple things to check off the list. This way as I move forward with my life and living alongside my MBC, I will never be without an idea or focus. It's all about a mind game, folks. You need to trick your pretty little head into believing your capabilities and then by doing so, maybe your setbacks won't be so hard to swallow.
I will never suggest I have all the answers, in fact I am like that eager 3rd grade student who is constantly raising their hand with "just one more question". I change my mindset daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute. I can be feeling as fabulous as a Rockette or as low as the kid who's ice cream just fell on the cement. This has a lot to do with how I'm feeling physically. Right now, I am sedate due to the pain and frustration of being sent back to start once again. You'd be surprised at how important that rush of endorphins are from daily movement. Now, I could go walk the track or treadmill but I sort of feel "meh" over it, I mean it's hard to be your own personal motivator all the time when your arm and shoulder feel like they are somewhat on fire and as weak as a new born baby. It's a chemical thing, I think, I mean I am no mad scientist or fitness expert but without all those little chemical rushes, I think it's easy to fall into a slump. So what to do, what to do...
There are some people out there who will say this is my issue and I guess I will own that. A lot of the
Peace ✌
Jo
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