Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: December 2017

Hey y'all... it's me...

I know, I know, it's been too long. I'm sorry - I don't know where the time has gone. All I can say is
my head has been in the clouds lately, I have been living, dreaming, and letting the waves of nostalgia swirl around me and honestly - I have been loving every moment.

Make the bed, go for a walk, feed the dogs, do the laundry, run errands, cook, eat and repeat. How many of us feel this way every day? Now let's add in, do some shopping, wrap the presents, trim the tree, cook, celebrate and repeat. Lately these are my days and though they may sound hum drum, I am relishing every "normal" moment I have. I feel as if this is my first year, my eyes are wide open, my head is clear and I am living each moment with a new joy and excitement. I know I sound like a cheesy, ooey, gooey Hallmark card but by living in the present moment every day, I am finding it easier to navigate the hustle and bustle of the season and my life's journey.

I have not completely transformed into a peace pipe smoking, love everything hippie - but - there is something to be said for your entire life being shaken up like a snow globe. It is a sort of re birth, a second chance at changing your focus in life, that same feeling you get when you turn into fetal position during your yoga practice. A sense that one can always start again, be fresh, be new. This doesn't mean I run around without a care in the world or that I don't feel stress, anger or fear. Trust me, I have those days when the Fuckity Fuck Fucks are flying out of my mouth faster than a gusty Chicago wind. It only means I try to see the sparkle in the chaos of the storm. This is the first year in many that I am truly feeling the joy of the season. I am learning to rejoice in the wonder of memories, the butterflies in your stomach feeling of surprise and the spontaneity of living out adventures.

I am so blessed to have found a faith to hold onto while I walk my journey and I am equally blessed to have beautiful people walking alongside me everyday. Cheering on the good moments, wiping away the tears during the scary times and always finding something to make me chuckle just a little. This journey has shown me that life is as simple as it can be complicated. I live in a virtual unknown, never knowing when something will change, when my snow globe will be shaken up again - this has tested me in ways I don't think I can fully explain. It has touched my children, my husband, my family and friends - some more than others. I know we essentially all live in an unknown existence but knowing there is a cancer sleeping in my body makes the unknowing a little weightier on my shoulders. This is where I have to turn to my faith, my breath, my living moment to moment and my circle.

I no longer look too far ahead or find it necessary to look too far behind me. Right now is the most important thing that is happening. Helping my son navigate high school and swim team, taking a 24 hour trip to see my daughter's first art show, laughing with my other daughter over her fabulously fun 21st birthday weekend. Right now, I was able to live out a life list adventure and see the beautiful fountains at the Bellagio in Vegas as Pavarotti rang through the air and think, with happiness in my heart, of my Dad. I could see his face as we sat around my kitchen table and he would talk about his trip and the majestic beauty of those fountains and while tears did slide down my face, they were tears of joy for being able to finally say "Dad, I see what you mean, it is glorious".

I don't want to say out loud that life is good at the moment because that will add a jinx to my rhythm so instead I will say, I am good for the moment I am in. I've had a scare here or there since my last blog but the results have been good and I have brushed myself off and jumped back into life as best as I can, albeit a little slower than before but still jumping in with both feet. We have seen some collateral damage along the way but we are working through that, we try to remember this journey isn't an easy one and that it isn't only me being affected by the aftermath. I think we have found a place for my MBC in the family, we won't be hanging a stocking on the fireplace for it, but we know we all have to live with it. It simply has become part of our dance in life. So what does this mean... It means that compromise has been made on more than one occasion. I have let go of doing it all by myself, all the time. Thanksgiving was full of homemade goodies and some store bought add ons. Christmas shopping has been more on line than before and decorating was a family affair to get all 4 trees up. I have given up the annual tradition of hosting a huge holiday party. My girls, when they come home, pitch in to help with early morning tasks as I no longer can rise with the sun and Jack helps John with the heavy lifting. There are times I am told to sit and take a break because my family can see the fatigue or they will humor me and go along with a corny photo or silly idea just because it is something important to me. This compromise is not a burden but more of an understanding of how precious and fragile life can sometimes be yet it is always beautiful no matter the circumstance.

This month I have seen a "year in review" on TV, in magazines and on line and that has made me think of how I would write my year in review. I can remember last January telling John how good I felt, how strong in mind and body and how ready I was to live fully. My migraines were ebbing and flowing, we scheduled some travel, I was dreaming of starting my blog - I could feel change was coming. Never in my minds eye did I realize where this journey of strength would lead. I do not look back on this year with anger or bitterness, it simply is what it is. I think of all the amazing adventures I never would have dreamed of doing now because "you know, that's for later, when the kids are grown". I have seen the bluest of skies, the darkest of clouds, the brightest of twinkle lights. I have tasted the most decadent chocolate and stood with a showgirl just to be funny. I have discovered a craft, waded through fields of lavender, and laughed so hard I peed (just a little) on a ride I never would have taken. I have fallen asleep in a store and drove for miles in circles looking for a Starbucks (headache relief). I have cried in public when buying leggings because of a surprise gesture too sweet to bear. and I have fumbled my way through walking, yoga, and meditating. I have learned to be more humble than ever. I have found a renewed sense of God in my life and a stronger relationship with my husband and kids than ever before. I have redefined the idea of peace in my heart.

Life is simply that folks - it is every emoji out there all at the same time and it deserves a hearty laugh, a gentle tear, and all the love you can muster. I think it is the wonder of the season that is making me a sap and feel free to tell me to shut the hell up - I get that too. Maybe right now, you are reading this and it's been a shit ass day. Maybe 14 things have blown up within the first 3 hours of waking up and you just don't know where to go and what to do next. Maybe you just want to flip me the best middle finger out there and say Fuck It. But hear me out... My takeaway from 2017 - we never know where our journey will take us and it's impossible to be ready for absolutely everything. It's OK to have a cry, a yell, to feel fear but then make a plan, find a circle, believe in yourself and your higher being, eat some french fries, and know once that moment is past, it's in the past and the only moment you need is the one you are standing in right now and so on and so on and so on.