The Mystery of Normal

Hey y'all....me again....

Another rainy day, another day to let the words flow.  Please just go with me on this ride, today's post may seem a bit dark but I promise I will thread it with a silver lining.  This week has been filled with up and down emotions - common for most people, real that I am sharing it with the "world".  My house is quiet as the chickens have flown the coup for the week, this quiet has allowed me an inner reflection that is scary, raw, and eye opening.  Besides the typical day to day living, cleaning, working, exercising, I have been carrying the weight of a migraine or some level of pressure in my head for over a week now.  I also have been prepping for the prep of my upcoming colonoscopy....yep I said it out loud.  Fact of life y'all...we get older, these tests are necessary and on the cancer train, you are treated with the Gold Medical Package of fun and excitement.  Rest assured before anyone goes "there', this is just routine.  However, all the pain, prep, and other unmentionable side effects puts my brain into overdrive....basically, I think too much.

What happens when we open our minds and let all the thoughts flow and swirl like a kaleidoscope of colors.  For some this excites a creative energy, a fulfilled sense of purpose....and then, for others it creates a tornado of panic.  I fall somewhere between the two states of being.  My migraines are a reminder of my physical well being, the load I have carried and the quirks it has forced me to wrap my arms around and accept.  As I move through this week, wading through various side effects of medicine and the like, I have begun this mantra of "I'm not normal".  This isn't a pity statement, I am not in my 24 hours of hell, it is simply what it is...I am falling into the trap of being defined by my circumstance.  I am pretty sure I am not the only one this has happened to at one time or another.

Moving forward through the days, I took this acceptance and compartmentalized it into a small space in my mind.  I still drove myself to setting goals and challenges, to working out with Beachbody Challenge Du Jour, eating well, and reading for my own personal development.  I was determined to not let the mantra in my head bring me down to that level of hell but it was there...just hanging around.  Funny how a simple statement in a conversation can cause a person to pause....and think....and remember.....we are only defined by what WE want to be defined by.  Our thoughts manifest the reactions our mind and body experience.

While meeting for my weekly workout with my trainer/coach/friend, I was lamenting on about my tales of woe.  Today was a workout filled with "I can't" "I can't breathe" "I need a moment" "hold on".  It was hard to push without over pushing but I am committed to my wellness journey and along with my daily Beachbody workouts - thank you Beachbody All Access, I have a expert who guides me, challenges me, understands me, and helps me reach my goals.  This friend said in conversation "you know what you are feeling is normal right, we all have some of these issues".....that very simple statement - something most people understand as truth, is something I have set aside for no other reason than I became momentarily defined by my circumstance and just a little dumb.

What is normal?  By definition it means; according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle; conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.  We are human and unique and wonderful and gloriously special in our own way.  I don't think there are 2 people out there who experience the same sense of normal.  Of course, I am "not normal"  I am not going to be conformed to a type, standard or pattern, I am me.....  My shit is different than yours, it's different than my friends, or the neighbor on the corner.  What a compassionate statement my friend made without even realizing the impact it had on me....until now....assuming she is reading. 😉

So y'all, here is my silver thread.  Pick it up and weave into your consciousness....there is a mystery to what we each feel is normal.  Some days, that definition of ourselves gets lost amongst the fray of work, children, spouses, illness, sadness, and a few dozen other hats we wear in our very busy lives.   The beauty of OUR lives is as organic as a flowing river.  As we change, grow, and move with the fluidity of our existence, our own definition of normal needs to be as fluid as that organic river.  We are never one definition, never one set of circumstance.  We are fluid and today I have learned to flow with what I am feeling.  This is temporary and fleeting...tomorrow or next week, my normal will change, as I grow, as I learn, and as I am human. 

Peace ✌

Perspective: A Persnickety Noun

Hey y'all....it's me!

First, let me thank everyone who read my first post last week.  Remember that I said this is a work in progress and that is an understatement.  I have figured out, all on my own a few things about blogging, so I made a few changes to my blog, added a few things also, and I am hoping you like everything I did.  One addition that is a bit more for me than you, is the follower button.  If I did this right, I am hoping if you click on that button, I will get to see who is following along on this crazy journey of life.  If y'all could do that for me, I would so appreciate it.

OK...enough of the business....let's get down to this writing thing.  If you are friends with me on FB, you probably noticed that I posted the 3 C's: Choice, Chance and Change.  Everyday we are faced with the 3 C's - we all have choices to make, from what to wear, what to eat, down to whether or not we are going to be nice or nasty today.  Some choices are easy and then there are those that create this tidal wave of emotion flowing through us.  It can be fueled by feeling like hell or excitement, or too much of any one thing.  No one choice is right or wrong as it is what you are feeling at that moment.  Just remember, with every choice comes a consequence, bad choices can lead to a spiraling out of control pattern, good choices can help you keep yourself from falling into the spiral and we all want that for our lives. 

Once the choice is made, we then have to take the scariest step....we need to take a chance on ourselves.  The chance to change a pattern, change a lifestyle, change out whatever is bringing us down or whatever isn't currently working.  The hardest concept to accept is that there are simply some things that cannot be changed. For example, I cannot change my migraines but I can do whatever is possible to try and make life better, less "migrainey" and more full of living.

Let's face it, we all have our own bag of shit to carry....oops....my secret is out.  I swear, that's part of my charm so please take no offense,  OK...back to the bag of shit.  I woke up on Friday and realized I had to make a choice to change.  Spring is a touchy time for those of us who suffer from migraines and I have been in a headache loop for about 5 days now, added to that, I am 1 of only 4 people left in the town of Naperville as everyone else has flown, drove, or sailed away to beautiful majestic places full of sun, sand, sea, and snow (for some), including my family.  

Friday hit me like a jack hammer, I was cranky, pissy, achy, and feeling sorry for myself....there I said it.  Don't go feeling sorry for me, it just is what it is.  I tried to make the right choice....I tried to repeat all the bullshit positive messages I could find on my phone, to remind myself that my thoughts will become feelings and my feelings will be portrayed in my actions.  But....I couldn't do it....I needed  24 hours to just be me.  One thing did not waver though, I still drank my shake, ate relatively healthy, and did my 35 minutes of cardio - even though all of that was the farthest thing from what I wanted to do, which was eat a pound of french fries, drink a chocolate milk shake and chase it back with a few dozen chocolate chip cookies.  Friday was not my time to make a change, everyone has there time, every change has their time.  We have to be patient to allow for the universe to align so change can happen.

My point here....is that how we are feeling, what we see and interpret are brushed with our own unique perspective. And perspective can be a persnickety thing, my perspective yesterday was the shits but today when I woke up with the same jack hammer head, I realized that isn't going to change if all I'm doing is wallowing and half hardheartedly living.  So...I changed my thoughts and decided maybe the bullshit positive messages aren't really full of bullshit. Does my head still hurt, yes but how I am dealing with it is where I made the change today.

The moral to this story is sometimes it's OK to simply feel, whatever it is that you are feeling.  But only allow yourself no more than 24 hours to be blue, or down, or whatever you choose to call it.  After your allotted time period is up, make a Choice to Change your perspective, don't change YOU, just tweak that persnickety perspective to find the sunshine in the gray gloomy day.  If we don't ever take Chances in our lives, we will never move onward and upward on our journey in life.

Peace! ✌

Listen Within....

Hey y'all....this is my first time and let me tell you, I am a bit giddy. Writing a blog is something I have wanted to do for some time but my fear of the unknown and simply being unsure of how to navigate this tech world was holding me back.  Instead, I decided this weekend to face it, challenge it, and conquer the fear like I have with so many other facets of my life recently.  

But let me digress a little for those of you (and I hope there will be many new readers along the way) who don't know my story.  I am just a regular old gal, who was skipping through life, being a mom, wife, worker, volunteer, and friend. Then one day, I heard the words so many women fear "you have breast cancer".  Almost 6 years ago, I faced stage 2B ductal carcinoma with 2 positive lymph nodes.  I went through a radical double mastectomy with reconstruction, 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, and 5 years of oral Tamoxifen.  I did the circuit of cancer firsts - lost my hair, my strength, battled fatigue, infection, anxiety, depression, lack of mobility, and overall lost myself for a while.  

And then something changed.  I can't tell you what or how but I was finally struck by the epiphany my husband so badly wanted me to have after my treatment was over.  There is this notion, after you face a life threatening illness, that you will change from within.  It is, as if, the assumption of facing something so fierce and devastating is automatically going to make you a carefree, dancing in the rain, positive spewing chick.  And for some, that is the case....then there are some like me, who are a little slow on the uptake.

My cancer and post cancer years shrouded me in fear....fear of living and fear of dying.  Fear that I was doing everything and then again, nothing wrong.  I faced the gamut of post treatment side effects and I am one of the lucky cancer survivors who will continually battle side effects.  Those physical issues, besides the mental ones, were holding me back from finding the way back to ME.  Without going into too much detail, because y'all know...I have had issues with migraines, vertigo, mobility and muscle strength issues, vision troubles, and chronic fatigue.  Then my body decided enough was enough.  This past December, I was faced with having to choose the prescribed additional 5 years of oral medication vs no medication with the hope to minimize my side effects.

This new chapter that I was facing was fraught with anxiety and again fear.  Fear that I would be choosing wrong and somehow robbing my family and myself of my future.  I know that sounds dramatic but that's just the way it is y'all.  Every survivor is worried that one day, IT might come back and ending your treatment sooner than expected removes the crutch survivors latch on to.  But as we know there are no guarantees in life and I was SOOO tired of non-living because that is exactly how I was feeling.  So often, I missed making memories with my family, trying something new, traveling, or just hanging out because the side effects, mostly migraines, were limiting my abilities to live.  

Fast forward to now....2017 y'all....I don't know what it is but I woke up from my fog and the epiphany clocked me on the head.  Now....let's be real, I am not going to be dancing naked in the rain and I will still want my house clean and life tidy.  But I AM trying to be ALIVE more....TRY more, EXPERIENCE more all by listening from within myself.  

Each and everyone one of us has their own path and journey that has been laid before them. It is like a puzzle, as none of us have been told where we are going or how to get there.  We simply move through our lives following instinct and intuition, gut response, taking leaps forward and back, traversing the meandering road of life.  

For me, this means many things and learning to write again is just the beginning.  I find a cathartic release in letting the words flow through me like paint on a canvas for an artist.  My hope is to help others, not only survivors but everyone navigate the road they are on without being defined by their circumstance.  We are more than any illness or one moment in our lives.  

My journey has brought a new found desire to be WHOLE again.  To find strength from within but also strength in my body.  My path has wandered in and around fitness since 2010 and cancer brought on a another layer to my fitness journey.  As we slowly took away the many cancer crutches, chemo, radiation, drugs, OT therapy and the like, health, wellness, and fitness is now my biggest cancer fighter.  

My hope is that you will continue to walk along side of me on my journey through following, reading, and sharing my blog.  I am not sure the frequency of my blogging yet as this is all a work in progress.  Trust me, in that my topics will be varied, this is not just a cancer / post cancer blog. This is about living, it will be of experiences new and old, family, faith, activities, realizations of wonder, Beachbody, Shakeology, fitness, wellness and so much more, as again, who knows where this journey of life will take me.  I hope to encounter many along the way, to be part of a whole new world.

And now that I am beginning to quote Disney movies, I will sign off for tonight... 

Peace - 
Jo