Twist of Fate

Hey y'all....it's me....

PSA Alert....this post will contain some profanity....I will apologize up front but I hope once you read through you will understand.

Well ain't this a son-of-a-bitch and goddamn!  I haven't posted for a while and I hope you are wondering where I have been, I haven't fallen into a well but I have been under the weather.  There is no easy way for me to say this so I am just going to rip the band aid off and work backwards from there.  I have cancer...again....yep....that's fucking right!  Can you believe the bitch that is!  Let me tell you, I can't...I am still in shock.  So here is my shit of a nightmare I have been living these past few weeks.

Around April 1st I started feeling not the greatest.  My body was achy and I was running a low grade fever on and off, nothing more than what I assumed to be the flu or some variation of a viral illness.  As that week went on, I would have good days and bad days and was talking with both my GP and GI doc - don't know if you recall - but I was pre-prepping for my upcoming colonoscopy.  The GP felt it was viral based on the low grade fever and body aches though did become concerned when on Wednesday April 5th, the pain in my lower body became so extreme I had to leave work.  At that point my GI doc was requesting a clean bill of health from the GP prior to  the colonoscopy otherwise we would not be able to proceed.  I went in to see my GP, Dr.R and he ordered a round of blood tests, a flu test, and a few other things.  Everything came back fine except for one inflammatory marker in my blood work however Dr. R was able to explain that as possibly due to a virus.  Dr. R did recommend at that time that I post pone my colonoscopy.  I then went about my week and into the weekend, again having good and bad days.  On Sunday, April 9th, my right breast began to ache, almost felt like infection and I was beginning to worry that something was going on with my implant.  The next day, Monday, I called Dr. R once again - seriously beginning to feel like a real pain in the ass for nothing more than a virus but the boob issue was bothering me.  He immediately recommended I see my oncologist - Dr. K.

Dr. K examined me and was equally baffled in that nothing I was showing, my low grade fever or my blood test results were anything that screamed....ALL ABOARD FOR THE CANCER TRAIN!.  He did find some tissue tenderness near my right breast, a little bony tenderness in my hip and low back and was concerned with my weight loss.  I easily explained this away with "well you are pushing on my body so of course it will be tender and yes I have lost weight, I have cleaned up my eating, I am working out hard with cardio and weight training and my migraines have been easing off".  Dust off my hands and call it a day.  Dr. K even felt that it could be viral but decided to run his own set of blood work.  By the time he called me that evening with the results, I was back in bed, fever and aching, freezing with 6 blankets on me.  Dr. K was quite surprised to hear this as my chemistry panel looked good except for now 2 elevated inflammatory markers. Those markers, the weight loss, and the pain in my boob helped him make the decision to order a CT scan.

TOOT TOOT - cancer train was calling.  I have been down this road before.  Mystery illnesses that do not lend to convention and doctors ordering imaging because they need to get a better picture.  I went into this CT thinking "no worries" just don't want to drink the barium shit.  Bolstered by my faithful side kick, Liz, we went for my test....drank all the shit like a good girl, laid still as a stone and before I knew it Liz and I were hanging out in the waiting room for Dr. K to call me with the results. I kept saying "I'm not worried, it's nothing".  After about 2 hours the receptionist informed me that Dr. K was unavailable and would call my cell.  No problem I thought as it's not going to be anything anyways.  In my pushy yet not pushy fashion, I simply asked..."is it a nay or yay" (doing the thumbs up or down hand signal).  With that, she printed me my report and told me to take care.

I held on to that report like it was the dead sea scrolls.  I could tell Liz was a little concerned but knew better than to take it from me.  She did gently say that we should open it in the car.  Poor thing, I barely let her get into the drivers seat when I was scanning my eyes over the papers, landing on the conclusion page where I saw the words METASTATIC 4 times.  I flipped, hyperventilated, bolted from the car like a lady on fire and ran to the other end of the parking lot.  Not entirely sure where the fuck I was going but I needed to move.  Liz in her best way...God I love her for being my rock, picked me up, held me tight, and brought me back to the car.  She called John, sicced him on calling Dr. K and took me to the only place I wanted to go...home.

With that, John and I left the house to get me out and clear my head.  All I wanted was french fries so we indulged in a big bag of greasy, salty fries from 5 Guys and talked and talked and talked, not sure about what as we really didn't know what anything on that report meant.  I received a call from Dr. K that evening and he confirmed what every cancer survivor does not want to hear...there are lesions showing signs of suspicious metastatic disease.  I don't really remember what I did next other than to cry and feel the fear sink in.  Dr. K ordered a nuclear bone scan for the next day and we said good-bye....there wasn't much to say at that point as we were speculating....another huge no-no when dealing with cancer.  I ended up at my friend Mary's house, a fellow survivor and we looked at that report 6 ways from Sunday, I told her what Dr. K said and we cried....a lot....let's face it.....I knew this was not going to be anything but shit on a stick.

April 12th, I had my nuclear bone scan....not all together a bad test but I am not a fan of small spaces....nonetheless,,,,after being injected with nuclear isotopes, they scanned me head to toe, front and back.  Again....more waiting.  Thursday morning, April 13th, Dr. K called and confirmed that what they saw on the scans are indeed metastatic breast cancer in my bones....or bone mets.  WHAT THE FUCK!  How did this just happen....and in a not so ironic twist, only 1 day earlier than my first diagnosis 6 years ago.

So what now....I bet you all are thinking what now?  I know that's what I want to know, every bit and detail of information I could get from Dr. K.  The thing is, I still need to have a biopsy, so at this point I am in a sort of cancer purgatory where waiting for more information is like being in limbo...a sort of cancer hell.  My biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday, April 19th and I will have my follow up appointment with Dr K on Monday, April 24th where he will outline the results of the biopsy, the type of breast cancer cell we are dealing with, the scan results and ultimately my treatment options.  Again, one day earlier than what I consider my cancer free date from 6 years ago.  The universe is fucking hysterical in their irony....I, for one, am not laughing anymore.

Dr. K assures me not to get ahead of myself.  I know that is meant with the deepest empathy but I am a person who wants, almost needs to be in control.  I need to know what this means and how this is going to impact me, my kids, John.  My poor babies....more on them in a second.  This is what I do know.  This is a metastatic disease, meaning that one of my earlier breast cancer cells has migrated and implanted and festered and grown and decided to fuck up another organ of my body....my bones.  There are at least 5 sites with lesions, my iliac bones, my scaral bones, a few spots on my spine, my sternum, and some ribs.  I also know this is not curable....but is supposed to be treatable.  As Dr K told me, if you had to choose where your disease came back, bones is a good place that responds well to treatment.  He says many people can live "many, many years" with treatment but again some develop problems after a few years and well...then....

With my first cancer tango, there was a symmetry to everything, there was a beginning, a middle and a definite end where life went back to normal and life moved on, I moved on.  With this tango, I have a beginning....my diagnosis.  I will have a middle....my treatment.  I DO NOT WANT an end because that will mean the end of me and I am not ready to face that, not one fucking bit!

My hope is obviously for the first option, I hope, I PRAY, that I will respond to treatment, that we will suppress my disease and force its furry little cancer ass back into remission.  I don't know why but I always picture cancer cells as furry little fuckers.

My babies are amazing, they astound me with their attitude...it was like..."OK, you get treatment, you go into remission and you are good".  God Bless them for this....I hope maybe HE is listening to them because I sort of feel like HE is bullying me.  I am not saying that I don't deserve this anymore than the next person, I am not better than anyone.  I have however carried and faced my share of hurdles throughout my life, from literally the day I was born until now.  I know there are others out there who face far worse than what I am facing, I am just tired of being dealt a raw deal because there is no other words than THIS KIND OF SUCKS.

I am swinging on a pendulum of emotions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.  I am scared, terrified, angry, isolated, and paralyzed with everything that is happening.  I know how to be a cancer survivor but I do not know how to be a person who has to live alongside it everyday.  I am not a survivor anymore, I am a person with this disease, no longer "Beyond the Color Pink" but now swimming amongst it's hues.

I will use this blog as my "care page" as it is cathartic for me to write and release the swirling dervish of words in my head.  Maybe now, I will sleep tonight, maybe now I will begin to find some peace and hope.  I ask for your prayers to whatever God, Karma, MO JO, or spirit you believe in, I am no longer in a position to be choosy, I am simply trying my absolute DAMNEDEST to be here for my babies, John, my family and friends.

Thank you for listening.  My apologies on my curse words.  Warmest thoughts and many thanks to y'all.

Peace ✌

Tree of Life - give, grow, and visualize

Hey y'all....it's me....

I am feeling the love and it is amazing, exhilarating, and empowering.  Thank you so much for your kindness.  This is a journey for me, part of my path and I am literally sitting here smiling as I write.  😍. I have also realized that less thinking gives me a confidence I never thought I would have so that's a good thing....I think....LOL. 😕   

I have had many hours of quiet over this past week, allowing me to have time for contemplation, day dreaming, reminiscence, and wistful pondering of all things good, bad, and in between.  Roll with this little exercise for me....take a moment to visualize yourself as a deep rooted tree, full of life, full of branches, healthy and strong. 🌳 Some of you who know me, may have heard this idea before. 

I feel there is a symbolism to the words "tree of life" and have used this symbolism throughout my journey.  I picture myself as a strong and vibrant tree, the main trunk is me, body and soul, standing strong, healthy and proud of the beauty of it's life.  The main branches of my tree are my loves, my husband, 3 kiddos, my sister and her husband, niece, nephew, cousins, aunts and uncles.  They provide my foundation.  There are a few saplings which no longer carry life but are still an important part of my tree, my parents and other family and friends who have left this earthly world too soon.  The remaining branches on my tree are my friends, neighbors, doctors, and relationships I have formed throughout my life.  These branches provide a robust, full, well rounded source of shelter, comfort, beauty, and growth.  As I cross paths with new friends and old, a new set of branches will grow and continually fill out my tree of life so that one day, the branches will overflow and overlap with one another creating a visual image of strength and security.  

I am not a huge granola type girl, sitting around a circle, smoking a peace pipe, and singing "Kumbya" - and if you are a believer in all of those things - that's totally cool, I mean no offense, honest to God, hand to Bible. I think the analytical side of me takes over and doesn't allow me the liberty and freedom to live a more hippie free lifestyle - maybe something for me to add to one my future detours on my journey.   I am a work in progress and always willing to learn.  Anyhow, I digress, I do believe in the power of visualization.  Sometimes it works for me and sometimes not so much.  But I try to keep this image of a strong, healthy tree in my minds eye throughout my days and it's something I would love for you to try as well.

We all have good and bad days, we all feel alone at some point in our lives or simply lonely.  Whether it be due to illness or frenzied life, we can somehow begin to feel isolated without anyone isolating us or having a specific incident which causes us to retreat.  It is at these times when seeing that image of a strong and healthy tree in your mind will help you remember you are not alone, never alone.  One of the hardest actions for people is reaching out to someone for help or just to talk.  No one wants to impose or seem weak.  What I have been humbled to learn throughout my life, is the concept of helping one another is innate.  For me, I would not be sitting here without the unbelievable help of others  - some called upon and some who simply helped because they are of a giving nature.  These acts of love and kindness watered my tree and allowed for new blooms and branches. 

In the society we live in, busy, chaotic, hurried, we should always pause when reading a Facebook or Instagram post, catching that quick text or call, or chat at the end of the driveway and be present in the life of the person on the other end.  It's hard, I know, we all have too much shit going on, I am as guilty of this as the next and need this reminder myself.  Sometimes, that pause is all everyone needs....it can remind someone they are not alone, it can give them the courage to ask for help, it can simply be what they need at that moment.  It also allows us to grow a branch on someone's tree for it is as important for us to provide growth as it is to need growth. 

For my faithful friends who helped me last night....thank you.  It is never easy to ask but I believe in the power of karma....what we put out in the world is what we will reap.  You my darlings, will receive blessings for your simple acts of kindness. 👼  And no worries....nothing tragic going on....just a thrown out back, more nuisance than anything but definitely hindered my ability to be as funcationable as I would like.. 

Take this reminder and tuck it in a corner of your mind so as not to forget.  What a beautiful image we can create with a forest full of grand, full, colorful foliage on an infinite number of trees. 🌳🎕💮

Peace. ✌

The Mystery of Normal

Hey y'all....me again....

Another rainy day, another day to let the words flow.  Please just go with me on this ride, today's post may seem a bit dark but I promise I will thread it with a silver lining.  This week has been filled with up and down emotions - common for most people, real that I am sharing it with the "world".  My house is quiet as the chickens have flown the coup for the week, this quiet has allowed me an inner reflection that is scary, raw, and eye opening.  Besides the typical day to day living, cleaning, working, exercising, I have been carrying the weight of a migraine or some level of pressure in my head for over a week now.  I also have been prepping for the prep of my upcoming colonoscopy....yep I said it out loud.  Fact of life y'all...we get older, these tests are necessary and on the cancer train, you are treated with the Gold Medical Package of fun and excitement.  Rest assured before anyone goes "there', this is just routine.  However, all the pain, prep, and other unmentionable side effects puts my brain into overdrive....basically, I think too much.

What happens when we open our minds and let all the thoughts flow and swirl like a kaleidoscope of colors.  For some this excites a creative energy, a fulfilled sense of purpose....and then, for others it creates a tornado of panic.  I fall somewhere between the two states of being.  My migraines are a reminder of my physical well being, the load I have carried and the quirks it has forced me to wrap my arms around and accept.  As I move through this week, wading through various side effects of medicine and the like, I have begun this mantra of "I'm not normal".  This isn't a pity statement, I am not in my 24 hours of hell, it is simply what it is...I am falling into the trap of being defined by my circumstance.  I am pretty sure I am not the only one this has happened to at one time or another.

Moving forward through the days, I took this acceptance and compartmentalized it into a small space in my mind.  I still drove myself to setting goals and challenges, to working out with Beachbody Challenge Du Jour, eating well, and reading for my own personal development.  I was determined to not let the mantra in my head bring me down to that level of hell but it was there...just hanging around.  Funny how a simple statement in a conversation can cause a person to pause....and think....and remember.....we are only defined by what WE want to be defined by.  Our thoughts manifest the reactions our mind and body experience.

While meeting for my weekly workout with my trainer/coach/friend, I was lamenting on about my tales of woe.  Today was a workout filled with "I can't" "I can't breathe" "I need a moment" "hold on".  It was hard to push without over pushing but I am committed to my wellness journey and along with my daily Beachbody workouts - thank you Beachbody All Access, I have a expert who guides me, challenges me, understands me, and helps me reach my goals.  This friend said in conversation "you know what you are feeling is normal right, we all have some of these issues".....that very simple statement - something most people understand as truth, is something I have set aside for no other reason than I became momentarily defined by my circumstance and just a little dumb.

What is normal?  By definition it means; according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle; conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.  We are human and unique and wonderful and gloriously special in our own way.  I don't think there are 2 people out there who experience the same sense of normal.  Of course, I am "not normal"  I am not going to be conformed to a type, standard or pattern, I am me.....  My shit is different than yours, it's different than my friends, or the neighbor on the corner.  What a compassionate statement my friend made without even realizing the impact it had on me....until now....assuming she is reading. 😉

So y'all, here is my silver thread.  Pick it up and weave into your consciousness....there is a mystery to what we each feel is normal.  Some days, that definition of ourselves gets lost amongst the fray of work, children, spouses, illness, sadness, and a few dozen other hats we wear in our very busy lives.   The beauty of OUR lives is as organic as a flowing river.  As we change, grow, and move with the fluidity of our existence, our own definition of normal needs to be as fluid as that organic river.  We are never one definition, never one set of circumstance.  We are fluid and today I have learned to flow with what I am feeling.  This is temporary and fleeting...tomorrow or next week, my normal will change, as I grow, as I learn, and as I am human. 

Peace ✌

Perspective: A Persnickety Noun

Hey y'all....it's me!

First, let me thank everyone who read my first post last week.  Remember that I said this is a work in progress and that is an understatement.  I have figured out, all on my own a few things about blogging, so I made a few changes to my blog, added a few things also, and I am hoping you like everything I did.  One addition that is a bit more for me than you, is the follower button.  If I did this right, I am hoping if you click on that button, I will get to see who is following along on this crazy journey of life.  If y'all could do that for me, I would so appreciate it.

OK...enough of the business....let's get down to this writing thing.  If you are friends with me on FB, you probably noticed that I posted the 3 C's: Choice, Chance and Change.  Everyday we are faced with the 3 C's - we all have choices to make, from what to wear, what to eat, down to whether or not we are going to be nice or nasty today.  Some choices are easy and then there are those that create this tidal wave of emotion flowing through us.  It can be fueled by feeling like hell or excitement, or too much of any one thing.  No one choice is right or wrong as it is what you are feeling at that moment.  Just remember, with every choice comes a consequence, bad choices can lead to a spiraling out of control pattern, good choices can help you keep yourself from falling into the spiral and we all want that for our lives. 

Once the choice is made, we then have to take the scariest step....we need to take a chance on ourselves.  The chance to change a pattern, change a lifestyle, change out whatever is bringing us down or whatever isn't currently working.  The hardest concept to accept is that there are simply some things that cannot be changed. For example, I cannot change my migraines but I can do whatever is possible to try and make life better, less "migrainey" and more full of living.

Let's face it, we all have our own bag of shit to carry....oops....my secret is out.  I swear, that's part of my charm so please take no offense,  OK...back to the bag of shit.  I woke up on Friday and realized I had to make a choice to change.  Spring is a touchy time for those of us who suffer from migraines and I have been in a headache loop for about 5 days now, added to that, I am 1 of only 4 people left in the town of Naperville as everyone else has flown, drove, or sailed away to beautiful majestic places full of sun, sand, sea, and snow (for some), including my family.  

Friday hit me like a jack hammer, I was cranky, pissy, achy, and feeling sorry for myself....there I said it.  Don't go feeling sorry for me, it just is what it is.  I tried to make the right choice....I tried to repeat all the bullshit positive messages I could find on my phone, to remind myself that my thoughts will become feelings and my feelings will be portrayed in my actions.  But....I couldn't do it....I needed  24 hours to just be me.  One thing did not waver though, I still drank my shake, ate relatively healthy, and did my 35 minutes of cardio - even though all of that was the farthest thing from what I wanted to do, which was eat a pound of french fries, drink a chocolate milk shake and chase it back with a few dozen chocolate chip cookies.  Friday was not my time to make a change, everyone has there time, every change has their time.  We have to be patient to allow for the universe to align so change can happen.

My point here....is that how we are feeling, what we see and interpret are brushed with our own unique perspective. And perspective can be a persnickety thing, my perspective yesterday was the shits but today when I woke up with the same jack hammer head, I realized that isn't going to change if all I'm doing is wallowing and half hardheartedly living.  So...I changed my thoughts and decided maybe the bullshit positive messages aren't really full of bullshit. Does my head still hurt, yes but how I am dealing with it is where I made the change today.

The moral to this story is sometimes it's OK to simply feel, whatever it is that you are feeling.  But only allow yourself no more than 24 hours to be blue, or down, or whatever you choose to call it.  After your allotted time period is up, make a Choice to Change your perspective, don't change YOU, just tweak that persnickety perspective to find the sunshine in the gray gloomy day.  If we don't ever take Chances in our lives, we will never move onward and upward on our journey in life.

Peace! ✌