Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: My babies, my loves....
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: My babies, my loves....: Hey y'all...it's me.... To begin, let me say thank you, thank you, thank you. Y'all are so encouraging, supportive, positiv...
My babies, my loves....
Hey y'all...it's me.... To begin, let me say thank you, thank you, thank you. Y'all are so encouraging, supportive, positive, full of love - it just makes my heart sing. I am so humbled and grateful for all this love pouring over me, for y'all sharing my blog, reading my blog, and being with me on my journey. I am blushing scarlet right now, I wish you could see me, with little tears of joy running down my cheeks.
I have been working for the past 30 minutes or so on a post all about choices, facing those choices and the fear that comes with them, beginning to exercise again and the fear that comes with that, and how each day is a new clean slate. While all of that is important for me to talk about, I am purposefully avoiding what is plaguing my mind, heart and soul because honestly it is too hard for me to face.
Y'all know I have 3 beautiful kiddos who are my life, my heart and my soul. Today I was faced with realizing something....my son, he's 14 and a typical teenage boy, is not coping well with the new normal of our lives. School's out for summer, he's excited, on the go, and battling me on every little task I ask, he is stretching the leash and I am pulling back, and we are sometimes at a tug of war. This all is normal behavior and I am sure anyone who has teenagers face the same issues. Lately though, I have been asking more of him, we need help you see, sometimes every little thing we need to do to keep our house running is too much for John and I alone. Unfortunately, Jack is the only one of my kiddos at home so there is a lot he sees, a lot he hears, and a lot he has to face all the time. We do not hide my cancer from the kids, we talk openly about what metastatic means, what my side effects are, and how I am doing. We do not dwell on the reality of the terminal side of my cancer but they understand it, they know this is my life now, always in treatment, forever until....there is nothing left. They hear me say we want to continually be in the middle of this journey.
I pushed a little too hard today, reminded him again of how I cannot do things like I used to, how Dad is getting tired and then John pushed and pointed out that things are only going to get more difficult as we go. I think both John and I were just at a weak moment, experiencing a little diarrhea of the mouth and saying more than we should. The look on my son's face said it all. He absolutely cannot bear to think about this being any harder, any more than what it is right now. He struggled the first time, he was 8 and feared so much that I would die of this disease and now....it is too much for him to bear. That look on his face, is more than I can bear.
The very first thing I thought of both times upon hearing my diagnosis were my kids and husband. How is this going to affect them, how will they cope and my heart hurts for the burden I am placing upon them. I feel guilty, as if I somehow could have changed all of this. But I know that I cannot and it breaks my heart to think of ever being sicker than what I am right now. I have consciously chosen to fight this beast peacefully, with longevity and determination but my core is shaken some today. Even as he has a joyous time with friends, enjoying the beautiful sun, the pool, the frivolity of a carefree life, I can't help but wonder how much his heart hurts.
I am not sure of what else I can do to ease his mind and that of my girls. I try (though I recently heard that by saying "try" you are setting yourself up for failure before you even begin) to act like every other mom, we try to act like every other family. I do chores, I expect my kids to do chores, I have fun, I laugh, I eat, I run errands...I don't know what else I can do. Sadly, I also rest, have times where I am down and in bed, and times when I am sad and frustrated. I just don't want my babies to hurt or have to think about their mom's life being finite. I want to take all their worries away and tuck them into my own heart because moms are built for carrying the burdens of their children. We are only as happy as our saddest child. Please....I wish there was a way to take this all away.
All I can ask, of myself and everyone else, is remember to keep a gentle tongue, a gentle hand, and a gentle heart with my kiddos. I have to step back and remember this may be my cancer but it is also my family's journey and one they did not ask for nor could have ever wanted. This metastatic breast cancer (MBC) that claims 40,000 lives annually in the U.S., is pervasive and persistent. There is an estimated 155,000 people currently living with MBC and 20-30% of those were initially diagnosed with early stage disease. This is not an automatic death sentence, many live for many, many years and that is my plan. I will always be a voice to fight MBC, to raise awareness and to remind everyone that every dollar raised in funding for research will go towards finding new treatments, better treatments, and longer lives for those who live with MBC. So please don't ever think twice about fundraising for this cause, joining a relay for life, or doing your own bit of good you can for this fight against breast cancer.
For now, I will again try to find the peace I need to continue being a humble warrior. I will pray for God to heal me, for God to watch over my family and for my kiddos to find peace and understanding of their own.
Peace ✌
Jo
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Humble Warrior
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Humble Warrior: Hey y'all....it's me.... It has been way too long for me to put "pen to paper" but I have been seriously suffering fro...
Humble Warrior
Hey y'all....it's me....
It has been way too long for me to put "pen to paper" but I have been seriously suffering from writers block. Every time I would sit to write, I would either draft my work, erase what I had started, or realize I filled the page with one run on sentence of profanity. It sort of looked something like this; FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, SHIT, DAMN, SIGH. I have been having a mental conflict of sorts that is like 2 old Italian grandmas arguing with each other. Both grandmas look like me, aged, round and plump from mostaciolli, and both calling the other Stunad. The argument goes something like this....you need to get feisty, no, I am at peace, but you need to prepare to fight -where's my spoon, no I feel calm, BAH you Stunad, no you Stunad! The circle of verbal sparring, unfriendly hand gestures, and bickering has been going round and round in my head until today. Today I was called a humble warrior and my inner Italian grandmas were both stunned into silence. I think, I even saw them quietly nodding their heads as if to say....yes, yes...this girl - she is wise.
For the past week or so I feel as if I have been looking for someone, the old feisty, fiery, fighter from 6 years ago....the cancer chick that I was. Guns blazing, angry music, frustrated, fighting everything from the air around me to the innocent person who looked at me wrong. I had a chip on my shoulder at times, bald and proud, and never giving up. I have been scared that person was lost and that somehow with her gone, I was sending the wrong cosmic message, a message of giving up. I was literally fighting the peace I felt, angry at myself for this weak behavior, calling myself out for being a loser for not putting my pink boxing gloves on. I have struggled so much because when I would allow the peace to wash over me, it felt like golden rays of sun, bright glorious rainbows of healing light, I felt a sense of calm that was so beautiful it could make me cry. Then the grandmas would come out swinging their wooden spoons at each other and the internal war would start all over again.
Today, I felt that peace again and knew with the help of an amazing teacher, a master of restoration that being a humble warrior doesn't mean I am giving up, it simply means I am allowing love to help heal my body and soul. I know I am sounding a little like a peace loving, arms waving in the air, hippie chick but maybe that is part of my new journey. Does this mean I am going to stop saying "this fucking sucks, or fuck - this is hard as balls"? No, not at all, it simply means I am going to take a less inflamed approach, a quieter more focused fight, a targeted fight - you could say. And how poetic is that because this time, my treatment is a targeted treatment. Let me explain....
6 years ago, we cut my body, we removed major parts of myself, we obliterated every cell both good and bad, we poisoned, we burned my skin, we tore me down. It was a declaration of war and I was fighting mad and came out swinging hard, dragging my ass through each round, each cut, each burn, because I knew I had too fight hard to take all of the blows coming at me. I was dodging bullets left right and center. It was so fucking hard. This time, John and I have struggled with the quieter war. The minor surgery, the chemotherapy pill??? It felt so passive, so un-war like, so simple. It didn't make sense to us...this cancer is Stage Fucking 4! Why are we not blowing this shit up.? Why are we not attacking the enemy from every end? So we asked Dr K. He is so good, patient and kind. He has explained this to us many times but something happens when you hear "you have cancer". You sort of lose your hearing as if your ears have been boxed. Picture the cartoon character that just ran face first into a wall, falls back, and stars are circling their head. That is what you feel like hearing those words. So often times, your doctor has to explain things over and over again...for patients who haven't quite recovered from the face plant into the wall.
Dr. K explained this therapy is targeted against the cancer cells. We know what feeds the cancer, we look for the pathways and we block them and the feeding source - hence the removal of my tubes and ovaries (feeding source) and chemo pill and estrogen blockers (blocking the pathways). This quieter more targeted approach doesn't mean we aren't fighting as hard, we simply are more targeted in our mania. Dr. K explained because this cancer is Stage 4 (he is too good to say it the way I do) we don't want to tear the body down, in the long run that isn't going to help me win this fight and live a long time in remission. This is why he is so super ass smart and why I trust him so much. He is patient and understanding and knows how against my grain this is for me not to be spitting mad and punching walls. He actually told my gynecologist "she is very calm". That makes me smile, I feel like I have made him proud. I know you will tell me I don't have too, but I am a pleaser and not only am I making him proud, I think I have made my mom and dad in heaven proud and I am proud of myself...
Dr. NW (gyne) is also one of the best. She starts our appointments with a hug and ends with a prayer. We laugh, we cry, she is another person who fills my body with love and healing light. Today I told her of my restorative practice with my friend, I explained how at peace I was and conflicted I felt. She told me of Dr. K's statement, she told me how she can also see the calm this time and that maybe , just maybe God is telling me something special. This calm, this peace is dousing the inflammation in order for my body to receive more healing, to fight longer against this cancer, to not have 2 ends sparring one another from opposite sides. I explained that I am not giving up, I still have small battles of side effects daily that I need to combat but I want to come at this with love, strength, light, and power. Dr. NW took my hands, hugged me tight and said "you will with love and peace".
My mission now will be of learning how to accept this new pink thriving warrior. I know I will sway from my path and I will experience anger and frustration but my goal is going to dose those flames with faith, love and light. This new journey has been so different and I have been fighting these differences for weeks. From my side effects, my food choices, my wellness path, my angels, my treatment plan - all of it is new, different, and scary as hell. My wise friend also told me to "stay connected with people who speak truth". There have been angels at my side from my very first baby step on this new cancer path, some expected and some surprises and now I have finally realized it is because God is surrounding me with what I need. He is surrounding me with inner knowledge and peace, surrounding me with angels who can help me thrive and love me no matter what I have or who I am, and surrounding me with the quiet power of 1000 warriors lifting me up.
I will most likely continue to waver a bit with my conflicted emotions, there are still night time demons, there are still side effects which attempt to destroy my peace and still days where it all seems too much and unreal. However this time, I will use the mantra, I am strong and I am loved to help me power through anything that is trying to tear me down.
Hopefully I will be back sooner this time than later.
Peace ✌
Jo
For the past week or so I feel as if I have been looking for someone, the old feisty, fiery, fighter from 6 years ago....the cancer chick that I was. Guns blazing, angry music, frustrated, fighting everything from the air around me to the innocent person who looked at me wrong. I had a chip on my shoulder at times, bald and proud, and never giving up. I have been scared that person was lost and that somehow with her gone, I was sending the wrong cosmic message, a message of giving up. I was literally fighting the peace I felt, angry at myself for this weak behavior, calling myself out for being a loser for not putting my pink boxing gloves on. I have struggled so much because when I would allow the peace to wash over me, it felt like golden rays of sun, bright glorious rainbows of healing light, I felt a sense of calm that was so beautiful it could make me cry. Then the grandmas would come out swinging their wooden spoons at each other and the internal war would start all over again.
Today, I felt that peace again and knew with the help of an amazing teacher, a master of restoration that being a humble warrior doesn't mean I am giving up, it simply means I am allowing love to help heal my body and soul. I know I am sounding a little like a peace loving, arms waving in the air, hippie chick but maybe that is part of my new journey. Does this mean I am going to stop saying "this fucking sucks, or fuck - this is hard as balls"? No, not at all, it simply means I am going to take a less inflamed approach, a quieter more focused fight, a targeted fight - you could say. And how poetic is that because this time, my treatment is a targeted treatment. Let me explain....
6 years ago, we cut my body, we removed major parts of myself, we obliterated every cell both good and bad, we poisoned, we burned my skin, we tore me down. It was a declaration of war and I was fighting mad and came out swinging hard, dragging my ass through each round, each cut, each burn, because I knew I had too fight hard to take all of the blows coming at me. I was dodging bullets left right and center. It was so fucking hard. This time, John and I have struggled with the quieter war. The minor surgery, the chemotherapy pill??? It felt so passive, so un-war like, so simple. It didn't make sense to us...this cancer is Stage Fucking 4! Why are we not blowing this shit up.? Why are we not attacking the enemy from every end? So we asked Dr K. He is so good, patient and kind. He has explained this to us many times but something happens when you hear "you have cancer". You sort of lose your hearing as if your ears have been boxed. Picture the cartoon character that just ran face first into a wall, falls back, and stars are circling their head. That is what you feel like hearing those words. So often times, your doctor has to explain things over and over again...for patients who haven't quite recovered from the face plant into the wall.
Dr. K explained this therapy is targeted against the cancer cells. We know what feeds the cancer, we look for the pathways and we block them and the feeding source - hence the removal of my tubes and ovaries (feeding source) and chemo pill and estrogen blockers (blocking the pathways). This quieter more targeted approach doesn't mean we aren't fighting as hard, we simply are more targeted in our mania. Dr. K explained because this cancer is Stage 4 (he is too good to say it the way I do) we don't want to tear the body down, in the long run that isn't going to help me win this fight and live a long time in remission. This is why he is so super ass smart and why I trust him so much. He is patient and understanding and knows how against my grain this is for me not to be spitting mad and punching walls. He actually told my gynecologist "she is very calm". That makes me smile, I feel like I have made him proud. I know you will tell me I don't have too, but I am a pleaser and not only am I making him proud, I think I have made my mom and dad in heaven proud and I am proud of myself...
Dr. NW (gyne) is also one of the best. She starts our appointments with a hug and ends with a prayer. We laugh, we cry, she is another person who fills my body with love and healing light. Today I told her of my restorative practice with my friend, I explained how at peace I was and conflicted I felt. She told me of Dr. K's statement, she told me how she can also see the calm this time and that maybe , just maybe God is telling me something special. This calm, this peace is dousing the inflammation in order for my body to receive more healing, to fight longer against this cancer, to not have 2 ends sparring one another from opposite sides. I explained that I am not giving up, I still have small battles of side effects daily that I need to combat but I want to come at this with love, strength, light, and power. Dr. NW took my hands, hugged me tight and said "you will with love and peace".
My mission now will be of learning how to accept this new pink thriving warrior. I know I will sway from my path and I will experience anger and frustration but my goal is going to dose those flames with faith, love and light. This new journey has been so different and I have been fighting these differences for weeks. From my side effects, my food choices, my wellness path, my angels, my treatment plan - all of it is new, different, and scary as hell. My wise friend also told me to "stay connected with people who speak truth". There have been angels at my side from my very first baby step on this new cancer path, some expected and some surprises and now I have finally realized it is because God is surrounding me with what I need. He is surrounding me with inner knowledge and peace, surrounding me with angels who can help me thrive and love me no matter what I have or who I am, and surrounding me with the quiet power of 1000 warriors lifting me up.
I will most likely continue to waver a bit with my conflicted emotions, there are still night time demons, there are still side effects which attempt to destroy my peace and still days where it all seems too much and unreal. However this time, I will use the mantra, I am strong and I am loved to help me power through anything that is trying to tear me down.
Hopefully I will be back sooner this time than later.
Peace ✌
Jo
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Arrivederci Estrogen!
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Arrivederci Estrogen!: Hey y'all....it's me.... Arrivederci Estrogen! Surgery is but a blink of memory in the past, bye-bye ovaries and tubes and ever...
Arrivederci Estrogen!
Hey y'all....it's me....
Arrivederci Estrogen! Surgery is but a blink of memory in the past, bye-bye ovaries and tubes and every trace amount of estrogen you produce. There is but one goal now - to eradicate the estrogen and say CIAO to remission. This has been a very interesting couple of days as I heal from surgery, my body is undergoing tremendous amounts of change, stress, trauma, and fatigue. As one of the nurses explained, I have the perfect storm happening right now....I have had major surgery, boatloads of anesthesia, shit ton of pain medicine, started 2 strong as fuck oral chemotherapy drugs, am constipated as hell, and oh yeah....I was catapulted over the menopause mountain. My body doesn't know what the hell is going on, it is so confused, it doesn't know if I should laugh, cry, fall asleep, or run away. And all the while this is going on, I am reminding myself to practice patience, grace, time, and self love.
I have developed a new rhythm to the drum beat in my head. I eat, I sleep, I rest and I nap...I basically have the life of a toddler right now and I can't help but wonder if this is all there is for me. Rationally I know there is more, I know my body will heal, my energy will return, I will fall back in love with menopause, and once cleared from my doctor, find new ways to exercise, find new foods which do not make me turn green, and accept the drugs that I take as life savers instead of toxic poisons. This all takes patience, time, grace, and self love. Are you getting the theme here?
It is often said that first, we must love ourselves before we can fully accept love from others. First, we must heal ourselves before we can embrace those that can heal us. First, we must forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. I am sensing that it all must begin with me. I have chosen to live long just as I choose to get up everyday and get dressed. To me there is no other option unless suddenly I decide to join a nudist colony, my plan is to live a long, long time. However with that said, I have noticed this road, this path, this choice is littered with little cancer roadblocks that are simply there to fuck with your mind and trip you up as you meander along your way. It can be a bout of nausea, a case of hot mouth, or a nagging throbbing in your head, or the nasty little cancer bitch talking smack in your ear that adds doubt to the love you have for yourself, the faith in your healers and the forgiveness you must find daily.
Everyday I am reminded of the facts of my life. When I look into the mirror and see the scars on my body, I am reminded of my previous and most current cancer. This is when I remind myself to trace the lines of those scars and find the beauty they have nurtured. I tell myself these scars are badges of honor, they tell my story, they hold the beauty of perseverance, and the glory of life. I look in the mirror and whisper "I love you now and always" for it all starts with me.
Everyday when I lay down to nap, I am reminded that my body has been taken to task by this disease. I remind myself to give my body the time it needs to heal which then will allow for more time in my future. I allow myself time to re charge and re fuel my body and soul so I will always be a fighter, a thriver, an ass kicking cancer chick. I have also learned that time is something I have to give freely, I give time to my loved ones, to my friends, my healers, my puppies I am learning to humbly accept time from others, accept the help and generosity of others without feeling as if I am somehow less than what I was before.
Everyday when I trash talk my self worth in my head, I am reminded that cancer has it's hold on my mind. I remind myself to allow for grace and patience not only from within but from those around me, The Cancer Bitch is not a friendly beast, she is mean, nasty, manipulative, underhanded, and devious. She can place doubt in the most fervent of souls. She wields her power as a weapon of torture, weakening the strongest of fighters. In order to fight this beast, one must be strong in mind, spirit, body and soul but it is not a journey that is traversed easily. The little Cancer Bitch has weapons that are out of my control. I find facing the internet as daunting as running up the side of a mountain. It seems as if my phone magically knows I am now metastatic and my social media is filled with suggestions of metastatic sites, cancer sites, quizzes on death and funeral songs. Big Brother is not only watching - he is gloating, obnoxious, and maniacal in his sense of humor. I am plagued with "do I click this site open or do I ignore and scroll on". However scrolling on brings about it's own set of challenges, as wonderful as it is to see all the good happening in the world, it can also bring on a level of anger and sadness.
Everyday I must begin with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a state of mind in which without it, I am stuck in quick sand. I have learned the complicated dance move of being angry at cancer but not angry with myself or anyone else. There are times I want to lash out, break something, swear loudly, yell at the doctor with the test result or the person who is ignoring me from across the room. I want to yell that this is not what I asked for, this is not fair, this is not my fault. I want to say please don't punish me by taking away my interests and people in my life who are now too afraid to face me. Then I take a deep yoga breath and let go of what I cannot change. I first begin by saying to myself "I forgive you" not because I blame myself for any of this but as a way to tame the anger, to throw water on the flames and watch the beast smolder down into nothingness.
Let's be real here....this shit show called cancer doesn't come with a handbook. Before you start naming titles of a dozen different self help books, what I mean, is no matter the advice, no matter my diet or exercise, no matter the group therapy and self care, no matter any of it....it all starts with me and my practice of patience, time, grace and self love. (and please get your minds out of the gutter...lol)
Peace ✌
Jo
I have developed a new rhythm to the drum beat in my head. I eat, I sleep, I rest and I nap...I basically have the life of a toddler right now and I can't help but wonder if this is all there is for me. Rationally I know there is more, I know my body will heal, my energy will return, I will fall back in love with menopause, and once cleared from my doctor, find new ways to exercise, find new foods which do not make me turn green, and accept the drugs that I take as life savers instead of toxic poisons. This all takes patience, time, grace, and self love. Are you getting the theme here?
It is often said that first, we must love ourselves before we can fully accept love from others. First, we must heal ourselves before we can embrace those that can heal us. First, we must forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. I am sensing that it all must begin with me. I have chosen to live long just as I choose to get up everyday and get dressed. To me there is no other option unless suddenly I decide to join a nudist colony, my plan is to live a long, long time. However with that said, I have noticed this road, this path, this choice is littered with little cancer roadblocks that are simply there to fuck with your mind and trip you up as you meander along your way. It can be a bout of nausea, a case of hot mouth, or a nagging throbbing in your head, or the nasty little cancer bitch talking smack in your ear that adds doubt to the love you have for yourself, the faith in your healers and the forgiveness you must find daily.
Everyday I am reminded of the facts of my life. When I look into the mirror and see the scars on my body, I am reminded of my previous and most current cancer. This is when I remind myself to trace the lines of those scars and find the beauty they have nurtured. I tell myself these scars are badges of honor, they tell my story, they hold the beauty of perseverance, and the glory of life. I look in the mirror and whisper "I love you now and always" for it all starts with me.
Everyday when I lay down to nap, I am reminded that my body has been taken to task by this disease. I remind myself to give my body the time it needs to heal which then will allow for more time in my future. I allow myself time to re charge and re fuel my body and soul so I will always be a fighter, a thriver, an ass kicking cancer chick. I have also learned that time is something I have to give freely, I give time to my loved ones, to my friends, my healers, my puppies I am learning to humbly accept time from others, accept the help and generosity of others without feeling as if I am somehow less than what I was before.
Everyday when I trash talk my self worth in my head, I am reminded that cancer has it's hold on my mind. I remind myself to allow for grace and patience not only from within but from those around me, The Cancer Bitch is not a friendly beast, she is mean, nasty, manipulative, underhanded, and devious. She can place doubt in the most fervent of souls. She wields her power as a weapon of torture, weakening the strongest of fighters. In order to fight this beast, one must be strong in mind, spirit, body and soul but it is not a journey that is traversed easily. The little Cancer Bitch has weapons that are out of my control. I find facing the internet as daunting as running up the side of a mountain. It seems as if my phone magically knows I am now metastatic and my social media is filled with suggestions of metastatic sites, cancer sites, quizzes on death and funeral songs. Big Brother is not only watching - he is gloating, obnoxious, and maniacal in his sense of humor. I am plagued with "do I click this site open or do I ignore and scroll on". However scrolling on brings about it's own set of challenges, as wonderful as it is to see all the good happening in the world, it can also bring on a level of anger and sadness.
Everyday I must begin with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a state of mind in which without it, I am stuck in quick sand. I have learned the complicated dance move of being angry at cancer but not angry with myself or anyone else. There are times I want to lash out, break something, swear loudly, yell at the doctor with the test result or the person who is ignoring me from across the room. I want to yell that this is not what I asked for, this is not fair, this is not my fault. I want to say please don't punish me by taking away my interests and people in my life who are now too afraid to face me. Then I take a deep yoga breath and let go of what I cannot change. I first begin by saying to myself "I forgive you" not because I blame myself for any of this but as a way to tame the anger, to throw water on the flames and watch the beast smolder down into nothingness.
Let's be real here....this shit show called cancer doesn't come with a handbook. Before you start naming titles of a dozen different self help books, what I mean, is no matter the advice, no matter my diet or exercise, no matter the group therapy and self care, no matter any of it....it all starts with me and my practice of patience, time, grace and self love. (and please get your minds out of the gutter...lol)
Peace ✌
Jo
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Let's get er' done!
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Let's get er' done!: Hey y'all....it's me.... Just a quick note to say THANK YOU. Everyone one of you are amazing and inspiring, and beautiful, and ki...
Let's get er' done!
Hey y'all....it's me....
Just a quick note to say THANK YOU. Everyone one of you are amazing and inspiring, and beautiful, and kind and I can go on and on. Y'all are just showering me with love and prayers, good mojo and positive energy and I feel it....I am surrounded with a peace, a sense of readiness. Almost 1400 blog views.....holy cats.....never would have thought that would happen. I thought a few people here and there would read but this is unbelievable. I am overflowing with emotion. Let's just get this train a moving and get this shit going. Project FU cancer is under way.
I have a few hours left before I head off to the hospital....it is a surreal time for me. The world is moving in slow motion around me as I spin like a top....squirreling every 5 minutes. There is still so much to do, see people, have meetings, do laundry, pay some bills, and oh yeah, redecorate my bedroom. What did this crazy nut ball do....had my room painted all fresh and clean (just yesterday), bought new linens, and a few other things and with the help of some sweet angels, when I come home tomorrow I will get to rest and recover in a new space. I will not be looking at the same walls and blankets that surrounded me during my last journey because it was time to say "Bye Felicia" to that ugly old shit. This is a new game, a new day, and a new start.
All of this is not to say that Chuckie the Cancer Bitch has not reared her ugly head these past few nights. Each night as I lay down to sleep, I look over at John and say the same things...."I don't want to do this". And each night he holds my hand and says the same thing back "well, we are....it's going to be OK". It's as simple as that, there isn't much choice in the matter. John has a way with breaking it down to the fewest words possible, yet they have the strongest meaning. I will continue to fight Chuckie along the way....knowing that my mental game has to be 100% on point. When we saw Dr. K yesterday, he had this great analogy of reminding us it's OK to enter the labyrinth, it's OK to fight the demon of death, it's important for us to talk about all of this, it's actually OK for us to be real about what we are facing, however, we are to leave the labyrinth shortly after entering. We are not to dwell, we are not to think or feel we are fighting this alone, we are to believe in the hope we have and live in the now.
So for today my lovely friends, I am making this short and sweet...I am trying to live in the now. I am ignoring the gnawing hunger that is going to make me eat my left arm off before we even enter the hospital. I am going to ignore the nasty Cancer Bitch who is making me cranky and whispering to me to yell at every blasted thing in sight. I am ignoring the sheets still in the washer and the fridge that needs to be cleaned out because as John says..."oh no, we can't have surgery with such atrocities in our home"....sarcastic pain in the ass.
I will blissfully accept the happy drugs they give me tonight. I will think of my mom and dad and know they are with me in spirit. I will remember the buttery soft feel of my dad's hands which help mine after my first round in the cancer ring. I will dream of my kiddos, so happy and beautiful and know that tomorrow....I will continue forth on this journey, this path....taking the liquid gold of medicines to further ward off the Bitch.
I'll be back blogging away once the fog clears and my body begins to heal. Until then, think happy thoughts, frogs dancing in the rain, chocolate covered sundaes, and pools of warm water with sunshine brightening the skies. And before you ask....there still is no pot involved....I am just working on my positive imagery.
Peace ✌
Jo
I have a few hours left before I head off to the hospital....it is a surreal time for me. The world is moving in slow motion around me as I spin like a top....squirreling every 5 minutes. There is still so much to do, see people, have meetings, do laundry, pay some bills, and oh yeah, redecorate my bedroom. What did this crazy nut ball do....had my room painted all fresh and clean (just yesterday), bought new linens, and a few other things and with the help of some sweet angels, when I come home tomorrow I will get to rest and recover in a new space. I will not be looking at the same walls and blankets that surrounded me during my last journey because it was time to say "Bye Felicia" to that ugly old shit. This is a new game, a new day, and a new start.
All of this is not to say that Chuckie the Cancer Bitch has not reared her ugly head these past few nights. Each night as I lay down to sleep, I look over at John and say the same things...."I don't want to do this". And each night he holds my hand and says the same thing back "well, we are....it's going to be OK". It's as simple as that, there isn't much choice in the matter. John has a way with breaking it down to the fewest words possible, yet they have the strongest meaning. I will continue to fight Chuckie along the way....knowing that my mental game has to be 100% on point. When we saw Dr. K yesterday, he had this great analogy of reminding us it's OK to enter the labyrinth, it's OK to fight the demon of death, it's important for us to talk about all of this, it's actually OK for us to be real about what we are facing, however, we are to leave the labyrinth shortly after entering. We are not to dwell, we are not to think or feel we are fighting this alone, we are to believe in the hope we have and live in the now.
So for today my lovely friends, I am making this short and sweet...I am trying to live in the now. I am ignoring the gnawing hunger that is going to make me eat my left arm off before we even enter the hospital. I am going to ignore the nasty Cancer Bitch who is making me cranky and whispering to me to yell at every blasted thing in sight. I am ignoring the sheets still in the washer and the fridge that needs to be cleaned out because as John says..."oh no, we can't have surgery with such atrocities in our home"....sarcastic pain in the ass.
I will blissfully accept the happy drugs they give me tonight. I will think of my mom and dad and know they are with me in spirit. I will remember the buttery soft feel of my dad's hands which help mine after my first round in the cancer ring. I will dream of my kiddos, so happy and beautiful and know that tomorrow....I will continue forth on this journey, this path....taking the liquid gold of medicines to further ward off the Bitch.
I'll be back blogging away once the fog clears and my body begins to heal. Until then, think happy thoughts, frogs dancing in the rain, chocolate covered sundaes, and pools of warm water with sunshine brightening the skies. And before you ask....there still is no pot involved....I am just working on my positive imagery.
Peace ✌
Jo
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