Arrivederci Estrogen!

Hey y'all....it's me....

Arrivederci Estrogen!  Surgery is but a blink of memory in the past, bye-bye ovaries and tubes and every trace amount of estrogen you produce.  There is but one goal now - to eradicate the estrogen and say CIAO to remission.  This has been a very interesting couple of days as I heal from surgery, my body is undergoing tremendous amounts of change, stress, trauma, and fatigue.  As one of the nurses explained, I have the perfect storm happening right now....I have had major surgery, boatloads of anesthesia, shit ton of pain medicine, started 2 strong as fuck oral chemotherapy drugs, am constipated as hell, and oh yeah....I was catapulted over the menopause mountain.  My body doesn't know what the hell is going on, it is so confused, it doesn't know if I should laugh, cry, fall asleep, or run away.  And all the while this is going on, I am reminding myself to practice patience, grace, time, and self love.

I have developed a new rhythm to the drum beat in my head.  I eat, I sleep, I rest and I nap...I basically have the life of a toddler right now and I can't help but wonder if this is all there is for me.  Rationally I know there is more, I know my body will heal, my energy will return, I will fall back in love with menopause, and once cleared from my doctor, find new ways to exercise, find new foods which do not make me turn green, and accept the drugs that I take as life savers instead of toxic poisons.  This all takes patience, time, grace, and self love.  Are you getting the theme here?  

It is often said that first, we must love ourselves before we can fully accept love from others.  First, we must heal ourselves before we can embrace those that can heal us.  First, we must forgive ourselves before we can forgive others.  I am sensing that it all must begin with me.  I have chosen to live long just as I choose to get up everyday and get dressed.  To me there is no other option unless suddenly I decide to join a nudist colony, my plan is to live a long, long time.  However with that said, I have noticed this road, this path, this choice is littered with little cancer roadblocks that are simply there to fuck with your mind and trip you up as you meander along your way.  It can be a bout of nausea, a case of hot mouth, or a nagging throbbing in your head, or the nasty little cancer bitch talking smack in your ear that adds doubt to the love you have for yourself, the faith in your healers and the forgiveness you must find daily.   

Everyday I am reminded of the facts of my life.  When I look into the mirror and see the scars on my body,  I am reminded of my previous and most current cancer. This is when I remind myself to trace the lines of those scars and find the beauty they have nurtured.  I tell myself these scars are badges of honor, they tell my story, they hold the beauty of perseverance, and the glory of life.  I look in the mirror and whisper "I love you now and always" for it all starts with me.  

Everyday when I lay down to nap, I am reminded that my body has been taken to task by this disease.  I remind myself to give my body the time it needs to heal which then will allow for more time in my future.  I allow myself time to re charge and re fuel my body and soul so I will always be a fighter, a thriver, an ass kicking cancer chick.  I have also learned that time is something I have to give freely, I give time to my loved ones, to my friends, my healers, my puppies I am learning to humbly accept time from others, accept the help and generosity of others without feeling as if I am somehow less than what I was before.  

Everyday when I trash talk my self worth in my head, I am reminded that cancer has it's hold on my mind.  I remind myself to allow for grace and patience not only from within but from those around me,  The Cancer Bitch is not a friendly beast, she is mean, nasty, manipulative, underhanded, and devious.  She can place doubt in the most fervent of souls.  She wields her power as a weapon of torture, weakening the strongest of fighters.  In order to fight this beast, one must be strong in mind, spirit, body and soul but it is not a journey that is traversed easily.  The little Cancer Bitch has weapons that are out of my control.  I find facing the internet as daunting as running up the side of a mountain.  It seems as if my phone magically knows I am now metastatic and my social media is filled with suggestions of metastatic sites, cancer sites, quizzes on death and funeral songs.  Big Brother is not only watching - he is gloating, obnoxious, and maniacal in his sense of humor.  I am plagued with "do I click this site open or do I ignore and scroll on".  However scrolling on brings about it's own set of challenges, as wonderful as it is to see all the good happening in the world, it can also bring on a level of anger and sadness.

Everyday I must begin with forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a state of mind in which without it, I am stuck in quick sand.  I have learned the complicated dance move of being angry at cancer but not angry with myself or anyone else.  There are times I want to lash out, break something, swear loudly, yell at the doctor with the test result or the person who is ignoring me from across the room.  I want to yell that this is not what I asked for, this is not fair, this is not my fault.  I want to say please don't punish me by taking away my interests and people in my life who are now too afraid to face me.  Then I take a deep yoga breath and let go of what I cannot change.  I first begin by saying to myself "I forgive you" not because I blame myself for any of this but as a way to tame the anger, to throw water on the flames and watch the beast smolder down into nothingness. 

Let's be real here....this shit show called cancer doesn't come with a handbook.  Before you start naming titles of a dozen different self help books, what I mean, is no matter the advice, no matter my diet or exercise, no matter the group therapy and self care, no matter any of it....it all starts with me and my practice of patience, time, grace and self love.  (and please get your minds out of the gutter...lol)

Peace ✌

Jo