Cross Posted
Hey y'all... it's me...
Happy March! I wanted to
share this blog because I know it isn't something only pertaining to
MBC but really pertaining to a struggle a lot of people face. I hope
you find the humor in my words, the sincerity in my thoughts and the raw
honesty of this blog.
My warmest thoughts and blessings to
each of you. Thank you for reading my words, sharing my blogs, your
kind comments, thoughts and prayers. As I always say, you make this
journey a lot more fun for me, you give me hope, joy and laughter!
Peace,
Jo
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa Puff: Hey y'all... it's me... How's it going my friends? You can call off Lassie, I haven't fallen into a well or anything, I ...
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa Puff
Hey y'all... it's me...How's it going my friends? You can call off Lassie, I haven't fallen into a well or anything, I honestly think the world is spinning at mach speed - it makes me want to yell SLOW DOWN. I seriously can't keep up. Days and months are whizzing past my head, I blink and it went from Tuesday to Friday and I can't tell you what I have done in between those days. But that's OK, live in the moment, live for the moment, it's all damn good.
So the MBC roller coaster has taken a few dips, twists and upside down turns since we last met. Nothing major, just enough to turn me in circles a few times, let me go and watch me fall down. But this is one of the pictures I have in my head - I am one of those big inflatable punching dolls with the rounded base. Remember these, i think they were popular in the 70's, no matter how hard you smack it, shake it, spin it around, it always lands upright! As I am writing this, I am working my way through an extra week off of my chemotherapy. A few nasty ass canker sores tried to take me down. These aren't your everyday canker sores, these invade your mouth with fiery pain, stop any thought of eating, and pretty much knock you flat. Part of the beauty of Ibrance and Xgeva (2 of my medicines) is a resistance for healing specifically in the mouth, that along with low white and red blood counts can be a recipe for lingering sores. So, a little bit of this and a little bit of that and we took a week off. I am OK! Dr. K said there is no harm. It is a bit strange though, I feel sort of like I am doing something bad and I oddly miss taking my chemo pill. It is a security blanket, in a weird and twisted sort of way. I am counting the days down until I can begin round 12. A lucky dozen - woot woot!
So... I am healing. I have hit some pretty hard lows, chronic, intense pain, can do that to you but I have come back. Am I as strong as I was before - sure, maybe, ummm - I don't know. The point is, I am healing and still working on living in the moment. And to be fair, my moments have been pretty plain Jane these days. I'm doing a lot of what y'all are doing, dealing with kids, housework, errands - basic life. Mine just has a twist. You'd think with all that twisting I've been doing, I would have been able to whittle my waist down to the size of a carrot stick... BUT...
And behind door number 3, you will find your next MBC surprise! A little cancer belly that grows like that of a 9 month pregnancy except I don't think it stops at 9 months. Oh happy day. OK - before I go on - I can hear you. You are saying it right now. "You're here, alive, be grateful, who cares how much you weigh or what you look like, you're alive!" Yep, all that and a bag of chips folks. You are right! I am alive! I am grateful. But I don't recognize my body anymore. It is an invasion of the body snatchers and I went from being a long rectangle to something of a teardrop, pear, apple, cantaloupe. I don't care what fruit you call it. It looks like I swallowed an inflated balloon and someone stuck some arms and legs on it. Well for shits sake, what do I do with this. You know it's bad, when your leggings are too tight! LOL. I know this has been happening gradually all along, it has been almost a year. Wait... What... Shut the front door! Yep - that's another blog for another time. But I seriously woke up one day and thought I saw a foot kicking out of my belly, it just wasn't a foot, it was just my belly! Oh geez!
So after I picked up my door prize, I had to figure out what to do with it. This extra weight isn't going anywhere which is a pretty sick joke because Ibrance also causes your appetite to be suppressed. So one would think, appetite suppression, mouth sores, food aversions would all equal less weight gain. One, meaning me, would be dumber than a door knob for thinking that. I have hormone positive breast cancer - DUH! This means no hormones in my body at all. Take away the estrogen and progesterone and you take away the cancer food source which equals a sleeping, blissful, all tucked in for a cozy nap, cancer. Which is exactly what I want because the alternative would be Dun Dun, Dunnnne! I also take Anastrozole in combination with my Ibrance - they would work in tandem to shut down the hormones in my body. Anastrozole suppresses metabolism and pushes weight into the belly. That would be the small prize that was inside the other door prize. Look at me, I am racking up the door prizes. I should play the lottery, I mean with all this fabulous luck I am having, why not???
I have become a real life version of what not to wear as there are more clothes in my closet that don't fit than do. I am longing for the sweet warmth of summer so I can throw on my flowy dresses; those will at least feel familiar to me. Last Saturday night, I tangled with 12 swimsuits of varying shape and size, in the end, the swimsuits were named the champion, I was exhausted after shimmying in and out of each piece: I think I broke a rib in the wrestle. I've now decided that I need to invest in a nice long cover up. Next up, tackling the most fun event for any woman out there - buying jeans. I am going to arm myself with a few Xanax, a box of Kleenex, and schedule out several hours for this wrestling match. I only want one pair, just a different alternative to the legging - which I guess I need to replace too. LOL - I don't plan on spending any great shake of money because who knows how much love I will be receiving from door prize number 3!
OK, why do I have this feeling, I am going to wake up for the next few days after I post this and find a line of people just waiting outside my front door to slap some sense back into my head. I get it ladies and gents, I really do. This is stupid and trivial and one day when things take a turn on the MBC coaster that takes me to a place of no return, I will be longing for the moments when I can be free in my soft, jiggly, pregnant but not pregnant body. I promise to take your slaps like a champ! But this is just another reason that this cancer journey is long and hard. I realized as I tried on one article of clothing after another that this is just one more area I have to find acceptance with. One more thing to process. I have to put my words to the test and find compassion for myself, cancer warts and all.
Love oneself. That is so easy to say and yet many of us struggle with it. We often love the version of ourselves we once were or the version we are in our head. But the real challenge is facing the TRUTH in front of you and still CHOOSING with all your heart to love oneself!
The saga continues my beautiful friends. I'll spin, dip, and race on this MBC ride for as long as I can hold on tight. I am not going to say this is easy peasy - there are times when my motivation slips. When the coaster is on a downward spiral, it is hard to be your own inner cheerleader. Sometimes, I feel the deck is stacked against me. There are a lot of limitations I am up against, don't jump, don't run, no impact, no heavy weights, watch your cervical spine and the pressure you put on your traps, the food game, the alcohol game, the name game. Sometimes I feel there is less I can do to keep my health and wellness going and more of what I can't do. But now I am just being a whiny beotch, this is where the inner cheerleader comes in handy. But if she's sitting in a corner silent, then it is really hard to motivate myself to keep going. Sometimes, we just want to see a little bit of good old fashion results to keep us thinking it is all worth it.
I just need to remember, with each down, there is an up. So whether my inner cheerleader is quiet or not, I'll keep moving along to my country heat cardio, shaking my fruit shaped body, I'll walk in the sun, lift a small weight, try and watch my nutrition - to the best that I can. There is no other choice other than to "JUST DO", I may not have been given a choice on my path but I sure as hell can put my own mark on it every God willing day!
Peace ✌
Jo
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