Cross Posted
Hey y'all... it's me...
This particular post was
written last Thursday as the skies opened up and snow began to fall.
Then life swept me away from my computer...LOL.
I am very much an
emotional writer in that I have to wait for the words, ideas or
concepts to tickle my brain. Sometimes I will ignore them or hush them
away, sometimes they will tickle back louder and with more meaning. But
each of my posts are meant to be a snapshot of what I am thinking or
feeling at the VERY moment I am sitting in. These are not meant to be a
guidebook for my readers to follow, I may be contradictory from post to
post or have a change of heart but that is the joyous free falling ride
on the MBC coaster.
So please read my words as what they are,
you will drive yourself a little nutty if you try to use them as a rule
book on how to talk to, have relationships with, or comfort someone with
MBC or any other life altering illness or event.
So with that
said, I will say thank you as always. Thank you for reading, for
sharing my words, for coming along on the joyous, scary, exhilarating
ride of my life.
Peace,
Jo
Living Beyond The Color Pink...... an organic, evolving journey.: Reason, Season, or Lifetime: Hey y'all... it's me... It's quiet. There is a deep, thick cottony blanket covering the ground outside my window, it just hap...
Monday, February 12, 2018
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
Hey y'all... it's me...
It's quiet. There is a deep, thick cottony blanket covering the ground outside my window, it just happens to be inches and inches of snow, fluffy, white, sparkling snow. But there is something beautiful about freshly fallen snow, it exudes peace and tranquility and allows the mind to wander. Nostalgia settle over me as I daydream of my kids waddling around in the snow, all bundled up so they could barely move their arms and legs, their giggles and rosy red cheeks bring a smile to my face. I am daydreaming even further back to my own escapades in the cold, back to Lombard with my sister, our Siberian husky racing around the yard, the big mountains of snow we would mound up, sledding and laughing bringing a life to the quiet peacefulness of a cold winters day. I remember making snow angels and laughing and now I laugh to myself because I am the least likely of persons to go play in the cold. But there is something about that idea of making a snow angel that is intriguing to me. Maybe it is because I do a similar exercise in physical therapy, I just happen to be against the wall inside a nice warm building but nonetheless I am almost tempted... Almost!
Nostalgia is a funny thing, once you allow the memories, thoughts, and whispers of days gone by to enter your brain space, there really is no control over what might come to mind. For one quick, hot second, I almost picked up the phone to call my dad and "check in" like I would so often before. Where this idea came from I cannot say, it's been 4 1/2 years and I haven't reached for the phone like that in a long long time. My only guess is the nostalgia is creeping over me, winding it's way through my bones, muscle, skin and tissue like a weeping ivy, clinging to me for life because once I close the door on those thoughts and memories, the ivy will dry up, wither away to nothing, simply vanish.
I think when we open our minds and hearts and really allow ourselves to remember, all sorts of things might come to mind. I don't know if it is years of medicine, post chemo brain, or simply age that has caused many of my memories to fade. Time goes by and the edges of the hard memories begin to soften, we begin to forgot all the little details that plagued our hearts but what is more troubling are the disappearance of the good memories too. There are so many "holes" in my youthful memories, childhood games and friends, family fun and festivity, and even the mundane day in and day out activities are so blurred in my minds eye that I feel like an onlooker into my own past. This can be very disheartening as I think; will one day my own family look back on their lives through the nostalgic lens and see the same blurriness that is settling over me?
It is strange when life takes you on a forward journey and some of the fallen trees on your path are ghosts from a former life. These ghosts may appear from nowhere and from nothing of your own volition. It is important to remember the amount of control you actually have in life. You can control your thoughts, your actions and reactions, and your movements on your journey but make no mistake, you cannot control others. You cannot control Gods plan or who steps forward on your path or other peoples thoughts, actions or desires. This is something so crucial to let go into the wind but it doesn't mean it is easy, simple, or without consequence. I am not going to say my interactions with others are the same as they once were. I think we have talked of this, this journey changes you and it changes the people around you. Your "tree of life" will change shape as time moves forward, the branches may grow and new limbs may come to life and others may die off or fade further back into the deep thick foliage. And all of this is OK, as long as your "tree of life" is getting brilliant sunlight, lots of glorious oxygen, and nourishment in the form of love, kindness and support - your tree will prosper. Your tree will Thrive.
I cannot begin to assume what any one person is thinking or feeling just like I would hope no assumption is being made on my behalf. One strong memory I have, one that hasn't faded for me is this story. During my first dance with breast cancer, an old friend reached out to John. This friend and I had drifted apart and weren't actively in each others lives at the time of my diagnosis, the reasons for that are unimportant. This person said to John, "oh, I really need to reach out to Jo Ann". John hesitated and then said this. "Let me ask you this, are your reaching out because you want your friendship to begin again, are you planning on being around for the long haul or are you reaching out because it is what you were taught to do in times of crisis" "If you aren't planning on being part of her life after her dance with cancer, then please don't reach out" This may seem harsh to you but it makes perfect sense to me. And I have the utmost respect for this person, because she never did reach out. We might see each other in passing and we would share a light conversation, a hug, a laugh together with a group of friends but there was no misconception about our level of friendship. Was this hard for me at the time, of course it was, I am only human and a sensitive one at that. But as time moved on, I began to see things through a non cancer lens. I respected her for her non action and maybe I am making more of this, maybe the non action was not deliberate but simply life taking over and the idea floated away. Nonetheless, I respected the idea that our time together had passed and that not even cancer was going to change this.
Relationships cannot be forced, no matter happy or sad news, similar interests or diagnosis, or any other two things you can put together. There is either a chemistry, an intent, a common bond you are striving for, or something as supernatural as this is what the universe, what God has chosen for either of you.
Is it sad when things change, when branches fade, when relationships falter - of course. I don't think one person out there can say they haven't mourned the loss of a relationship. Have I mourned since my MBC journey began - hell yes I have. I have had to say good bye to a few people and many things, you have to remember relationships are not only with people. But I am growing and learning as I move along my winding path. I have said good bye to heavy weights, light jogging, red meat, planking, shoveling, dairy, and so many other things. To be honest, I can't even remember what they all are because I choose to see what I have said hello to more than what I have bid goodbye.
It may sound cliche, the reason, season or lifetime concept of relationships but I wholeheartedly believe in this now more than ever. Many times, many days, the right person or activity steps out of the darkness into the light of my path. Last year, when I was working out hard, training and getting strong - that was to help prepare me for what lies ahead. Falling back in touch with a yoga friend has helped me grow my mind, heart, peacefulness and breathing in order to be more humble in my battles. Seeing an acquaintance all the way back to Emma's kindergarten days as I fumbled my way back into the church and my faith, always gives me comfort during mass. These "happenstance" instances are not coincidence but God knowing what I need or maybe what THEY need in order to help each of us grow and be successful on our journeys.
For the people I have lost in my life, it is not filled with drama. It is merely the drifting of lives for whatever reason and not without any fault, judgement, or lack of trying. Maybe the reason, season or lifetime just isn't right now. Isn't this something that can be said of anyone's life, no matter what their journey. Not everything can be pinned against the backdrop of cancer. I love the random texts, messages, or phone calls from friends new and old. It helps to make this journey a more colorful, fruitful experience and I hope with each interaction, we each learn something new, laugh a little more, share inspiration or simply talk of neighborhood and school news, our kids, our loves, recipes or the latest Ellen episode. I have challenged myself to do more of the random reaching out than ever before - for I realize now, it is as equally important to help foster new branches on your tree of life than it is to expect them to mysteriously appear. This will be a challenge for me, as I am a little "gun shy" at the moment, not necessarily as emotionally grounded as I would like to be.
I will say until next time, because this relationship between us will not end. I will say thank you to each of you, for being you, for reading my blathering on, for crossing my path and allowing me to cross yours, for greeting me in church, standing with me in scan after scan, hugging me in hallways at school. I will say thank you for coming along Life List Adventures and for planning some too. I will say thank you for starting a GoFundMe, for thinking of our family when you have so many other things to do. I will say thank you for laughing with us, crying with us, and simply being here with us - no matter the reason, the season, or the lifetime.
Peace ✌
Jo
Nostalgia is a funny thing, once you allow the memories, thoughts, and whispers of days gone by to enter your brain space, there really is no control over what might come to mind. For one quick, hot second, I almost picked up the phone to call my dad and "check in" like I would so often before. Where this idea came from I cannot say, it's been 4 1/2 years and I haven't reached for the phone like that in a long long time. My only guess is the nostalgia is creeping over me, winding it's way through my bones, muscle, skin and tissue like a weeping ivy, clinging to me for life because once I close the door on those thoughts and memories, the ivy will dry up, wither away to nothing, simply vanish.
I think when we open our minds and hearts and really allow ourselves to remember, all sorts of things might come to mind. I don't know if it is years of medicine, post chemo brain, or simply age that has caused many of my memories to fade. Time goes by and the edges of the hard memories begin to soften, we begin to forgot all the little details that plagued our hearts but what is more troubling are the disappearance of the good memories too. There are so many "holes" in my youthful memories, childhood games and friends, family fun and festivity, and even the mundane day in and day out activities are so blurred in my minds eye that I feel like an onlooker into my own past. This can be very disheartening as I think; will one day my own family look back on their lives through the nostalgic lens and see the same blurriness that is settling over me?
It is strange when life takes you on a forward journey and some of the fallen trees on your path are ghosts from a former life. These ghosts may appear from nowhere and from nothing of your own volition. It is important to remember the amount of control you actually have in life. You can control your thoughts, your actions and reactions, and your movements on your journey but make no mistake, you cannot control others. You cannot control Gods plan or who steps forward on your path or other peoples thoughts, actions or desires. This is something so crucial to let go into the wind but it doesn't mean it is easy, simple, or without consequence. I am not going to say my interactions with others are the same as they once were. I think we have talked of this, this journey changes you and it changes the people around you. Your "tree of life" will change shape as time moves forward, the branches may grow and new limbs may come to life and others may die off or fade further back into the deep thick foliage. And all of this is OK, as long as your "tree of life" is getting brilliant sunlight, lots of glorious oxygen, and nourishment in the form of love, kindness and support - your tree will prosper. Your tree will Thrive.
I cannot begin to assume what any one person is thinking or feeling just like I would hope no assumption is being made on my behalf. One strong memory I have, one that hasn't faded for me is this story. During my first dance with breast cancer, an old friend reached out to John. This friend and I had drifted apart and weren't actively in each others lives at the time of my diagnosis, the reasons for that are unimportant. This person said to John, "oh, I really need to reach out to Jo Ann". John hesitated and then said this. "Let me ask you this, are your reaching out because you want your friendship to begin again, are you planning on being around for the long haul or are you reaching out because it is what you were taught to do in times of crisis" "If you aren't planning on being part of her life after her dance with cancer, then please don't reach out" This may seem harsh to you but it makes perfect sense to me. And I have the utmost respect for this person, because she never did reach out. We might see each other in passing and we would share a light conversation, a hug, a laugh together with a group of friends but there was no misconception about our level of friendship. Was this hard for me at the time, of course it was, I am only human and a sensitive one at that. But as time moved on, I began to see things through a non cancer lens. I respected her for her non action and maybe I am making more of this, maybe the non action was not deliberate but simply life taking over and the idea floated away. Nonetheless, I respected the idea that our time together had passed and that not even cancer was going to change this.
Relationships cannot be forced, no matter happy or sad news, similar interests or diagnosis, or any other two things you can put together. There is either a chemistry, an intent, a common bond you are striving for, or something as supernatural as this is what the universe, what God has chosen for either of you.
Is it sad when things change, when branches fade, when relationships falter - of course. I don't think one person out there can say they haven't mourned the loss of a relationship. Have I mourned since my MBC journey began - hell yes I have. I have had to say good bye to a few people and many things, you have to remember relationships are not only with people. But I am growing and learning as I move along my winding path. I have said good bye to heavy weights, light jogging, red meat, planking, shoveling, dairy, and so many other things. To be honest, I can't even remember what they all are because I choose to see what I have said hello to more than what I have bid goodbye.
It may sound cliche, the reason, season or lifetime concept of relationships but I wholeheartedly believe in this now more than ever. Many times, many days, the right person or activity steps out of the darkness into the light of my path. Last year, when I was working out hard, training and getting strong - that was to help prepare me for what lies ahead. Falling back in touch with a yoga friend has helped me grow my mind, heart, peacefulness and breathing in order to be more humble in my battles. Seeing an acquaintance all the way back to Emma's kindergarten days as I fumbled my way back into the church and my faith, always gives me comfort during mass. These "happenstance" instances are not coincidence but God knowing what I need or maybe what THEY need in order to help each of us grow and be successful on our journeys.
For the people I have lost in my life, it is not filled with drama. It is merely the drifting of lives for whatever reason and not without any fault, judgement, or lack of trying. Maybe the reason, season or lifetime just isn't right now. Isn't this something that can be said of anyone's life, no matter what their journey. Not everything can be pinned against the backdrop of cancer. I love the random texts, messages, or phone calls from friends new and old. It helps to make this journey a more colorful, fruitful experience and I hope with each interaction, we each learn something new, laugh a little more, share inspiration or simply talk of neighborhood and school news, our kids, our loves, recipes or the latest Ellen episode. I have challenged myself to do more of the random reaching out than ever before - for I realize now, it is as equally important to help foster new branches on your tree of life than it is to expect them to mysteriously appear. This will be a challenge for me, as I am a little "gun shy" at the moment, not necessarily as emotionally grounded as I would like to be.
Peace ✌
Jo
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