My babies, my loves....

Hey y'all...it's me....


To begin, let me say thank you, thank you, thank you.  Y'all are so encouraging, supportive, positive, full of love - it just makes my heart sing.  I am so humbled and grateful for all this love pouring over me, for y'all sharing my blog, reading my blog, and being with me on my journey.  I am blushing scarlet right now, I wish you could see me, with little tears of joy running down my cheeks.

I have been working for the past 30 minutes or so on a post all about choices, facing those choices and the fear that comes with them, beginning to exercise again and the fear that comes with that, and how each day is a new clean slate.  While all of that is important for me to talk about, I am purposefully avoiding what is plaguing my mind, heart and soul because honestly it is too hard for me to face.  

Y'all know I have 3 beautiful kiddos who are my life, my heart and my soul.  Today I was faced with realizing something....my son, he's 14 and a typical teenage boy, is not coping well with the new normal of our lives.  School's out for summer, he's excited, on the go, and battling me on every little task I ask, he is stretching the leash and I am pulling back, and we are sometimes at a tug of war.  This all is normal behavior and I am sure anyone who has teenagers face the same issues.  Lately though, I have been asking more of him, we need help you see, sometimes every little thing we need to do to keep our house running is too much for John and I alone.  Unfortunately, Jack is the only one of my kiddos at home so there is a lot he sees, a lot he hears, and a lot he has to face all the time.  We do not hide my cancer from the kids, we talk openly about what metastatic means, what my side effects are, and how I am doing.  We do not dwell on the reality of the terminal side of my cancer but they understand it, they know this is my life now, always in treatment, forever until....there is nothing left.  They hear me say we want to continually be in the middle of this journey.

I pushed a little too hard today, reminded him again of how I cannot do things like I used to, how Dad is getting tired and then John pushed and pointed out that things are only going to get more difficult as we go.  I think both John and I were just at a weak moment, experiencing a little diarrhea of the mouth and saying more than we should.  The look on my son's face said it all.  He absolutely cannot bear to think about this being any harder, any more than what it is right now.  He struggled the first time, he was 8 and feared so much that I would die of this disease and now....it is too much for him to bear.    That look on his face, is more than I can bear.

The very first thing I thought of both times upon hearing my diagnosis were my kids and husband.  How is this going to affect them, how will they cope and my heart hurts for the burden I am placing upon them.  I feel guilty, as if I somehow could have changed all of this.  But I know that I cannot and it breaks my heart to think of ever being sicker than what I am right now.  I have consciously chosen to fight this beast peacefully, with longevity and determination but my core is shaken some today.  Even as he has a joyous time with friends, enjoying the beautiful sun, the pool, the frivolity of a carefree life, I can't help but wonder how much his heart hurts. 

I am not sure of what else I can do to ease his mind and that of my girls.  I try (though I recently heard that by saying "try" you are setting yourself up for failure before you even begin) to act like every other mom, we try to act like every other family.  I do chores, I expect my kids to do chores, I have fun, I laugh, I eat, I run errands...I don't know what else I can do.  Sadly, I also rest, have times where I am down and in bed, and times when I am sad and frustrated.  I just don't want my babies to hurt or have to think about their mom's life being finite.  I want to take all their worries away and tuck them into my own heart because moms are built for carrying the burdens of their children.  We are only as happy as our saddest child.  Please....I wish there was a way to take this all away.  

All I can ask, of myself and everyone else, is remember to keep a gentle tongue, a gentle hand, and a gentle heart with my kiddos.  I have to step back and remember this may be my cancer but it is also my family's journey and one they did not ask for nor could have ever wanted.  This metastatic breast cancer (MBC) that claims 40,000 lives annually in the U.S., is pervasive and persistent. There is an estimated 155,000 people currently living with MBC and 20-30% of those were initially diagnosed with early stage disease.  This is not an automatic death sentence, many live for many, many years and that is my plan.  I will always be a voice to fight MBC, to raise awareness and to remind everyone that every dollar raised in funding for research will go towards finding new treatments, better treatments, and longer lives for those who live with MBC. So please don't ever think twice about fundraising for this cause, joining a relay for life, or doing your own bit of good you can for this fight against breast cancer.

For now, I will again try to find the peace I need to continue being a humble warrior.  I will pray for God to heal me, for God to watch over my family and for my kiddos to find peace and understanding of their own. 

Peace ✌
Jo