A Little T & A

Hey y'all....it's me....

If we don't find humor in adversity, adversity will take over and win.  This is one of the many things I keep telling myself, along with you've got this, hang on, fuck it, no that's not right, and stop talking to yourself - you look like a nut ball.

This past week has been moving at a snails pass, I have experienced the highest of high - no pot involved - and the lowest of lows - also no pot involved.  I find that I am sometimes being the strong one for everyone else, not that I think for one second everyone else is expecting that from me but rather that I cannot bear to think otherwise.  For if I am not strong, then no one else will believe the shit storm I am selling and have strength for me.  Does this make any sense because to be honest I am feeling a tad bit undone at the moment.  It is T-2 days before the big reveal.  That is what I am beginning to think of Monday.  My own version of a Chip and Joanna show except that instead of a fabulous new home remodel at the end, I will be receiving a new protocol of pills, drugs, toxins, and steroids to  makeover  a new, improved, less cancerous version of myself.  Dark, maybe, but also a bit of reality thrown into the mix.  Today, I am all about reality.

I have endured the most tragic of news thus far, the diagnosis and feel that come Monday, I will be ready to buy, sell, and trade whatever it is Dr. K is telling me.  For nothing can be worse than the unknown cancer purgatory that I am currently in.  I have my handy, dandy notebook ready, pencil in hand, questions laid out and formulated, ears cleaned out for maximum listening potential...I am ready, all I need is to go to sleep and wake up Monday morning.  I have this vision of me up and dressed at 7 am, driving to buy to donuts and coffee for Dr. K and his staff, showing up early, and handing over my gifts as if to say...look I am bribing you to be nice and give me the best news ever.  Don't worry, I won't actually go and do that but it is nice to indulge in that fantasy versus some of the other things I have been imagining.

Let's lighten things up a bit, shall we?   Many of you already know, I am an anomaly in the medical world - if there is a side effect, I will probably get it, if there is a strange condition, it's mine, if there is an issue with medicine, my name is on it.  So it doesn't surprise me that this new path on my journey isn't going the way of what I would consider "normal".  Since my first step April 1st on this new pink path, the most pain, the most annoying places on my body causing me trouble.....are my tits and my ass.  Yep...that's right folks....only me.....has a cancer recurrence and most of my tumors reside in the bones in my ass - sacral, iliac, low spine - and my tits - sternum and ribs.  So when I have a flare up, it is my tits, ass, and then my legs that bother me the most.  I have to find humor in this because it is too absurd to be anything other than ridiculous.  

Let's talk biopsy.  This was probably one of the most humiliating points in my cancer career.  I have had a lot of shit done to me, been in a lot of compromising positions and have had more people see me naked that I care to recall.  As I entered into the hospital for my biopsy Wednesday with my faithful friend Liz by my side, the world seemed to be titled slightly to the right.  There was a scurry of activity, more nurses that I needed around me, it was loud, chaotic, and one mishap after another.  Nothing was life threatening but when the nurse wanted to check my blood because I was a diabetic (which I am not), I did ask her if she was even dealing with the right patient.  After that and a few other small snafu's, I told them all to get their shit together and come back because I couldn't deal with their crap right now.  Pretty much, my exact words....my one and only break down Wednesday morning.  Next stop on the cancer train was the CT room where they would be performing the CT guided needle biopsy.  Enter Doogie Howser - not kidding - the doctor looked 12, OK maybe 15, seemed like a nice enough man though, very knowledgeable and thorough in what he was about to do to me.  Dr. Doogie explained they were going to biopsy my iliac bone.  From my uneducated point of reference, I thought that would be the bony part of the front of my hip.  Then Dr. Doogie explained I would be lying on my stomach on the CT table?????  I began to have a quizzical expression on my face, looking first at Liz and then back to Dr. Doogie when realization hit my like a punch in the face....this man, this doctor was going to drill a needle into the bone in my ASS.  WTF....this cannot be happening.  

I looked to the kind doctor and said...."wait you are drilling into my ass".  He flubbed around a little with his words but I just kept repeating it because I think I needed to hear him say it out loud.  Yes, he was going to be drilling the needle in the iliac bone in my upper right ass cheek.  Apparently your iliac bones are the bones that create the girdle which holds your pelvis in place - who frickin/ knew?  I so need an anatomy lesson to figure out where all these places are on my body.  So there I am, face down on the table with more wires and tubes in me than a sound machine has, being slid back and forth through the CT machine, ass up, so they can get the images they need to find the exact spot to drill.  When I say drill, I mean drill....like a home depot special.  It sounded exactly the same as the one my husband uses when fixing things around our house.  In my drug induced slurred speech, I mentioned this fact to Dr. Doogie and asked him if he did indeed buy this drill at home depot.  I am not so sure he appreciated my humor.  Biopsy done, recovery done, on our way home and all I can think of is...my ass hurts.  Only me....tits and ass....only me.  

Moving on from Wednesday throughout the rest of the week, I have begun to heal.  The biopsy left nothing more than a small prick of a needle, a bruise and a shit ton of internal bone pain.  It has been uncomfortable at best, downright painful as shit at worst.  The spot is just in an unfortunate place as it is aggravated when I sit, recline, lay down on either side or my back, walk around or drive.  This then aggravates the other affected sites which then causes the bone pain to radiate down my legs.  I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, just being real.  I have literally become my own pain in the ass.....

I have had been blessed with family and friends being my lifeline right now.  They are tethering themselves to me, keeping me steady, making me laugh so hard I almost pee and talking me through the tears.  I had a good release Thursday night, it was probably one of the lowest points for me this week.  I don't know why but it was a trifecta of a clusterfuck happening all at once.  I was in pain, I had a fever, I felt alone, scared, tired, overwhelmed and tired of living my story.  There were a few angels unbeknownst to them that this was happening who called and texted that night....it helped take the edge off but I think I needed to let it go...let it come out...drain the tear ducts.  Which is exactly what I did, hiding in the bathroom with the shower running so Jack wouldn't hear me, I let loose while texting my poor sister who is so far away.  She rallied though and stayed with me through the storm...Bless her for that.  

You might wonder why I am over sharing....is it a condition I have?  No...I don't think it's something to be alarmed of or something for me to be ashamed of....this is now part of my life.  But the amazing thing is, what I need everyone to remember, is I am still me...tits and ass and all.  I will be a hot mess at times, I will be the same old Jo at times.  I need cyber filled pages of love and prayers, I need random text messages and calls and face to face chats.  I need alone time and time when I am surrounded by people to the point of suffocation.  I need to release.  I need to hold my shit together.  I need to be strong and be weak. I need to listen and pray.  I need to feel.  I need all of it and I also need to remember that I cannot do this alone.  I am humbled by what we are receiving. I am indebted in gratitude for the kindness, love, prayers, hands on help, check ins, hugs, laughs, prayers and peace you all are sharing with my family.   This journey will be a long one because I am not ready for it to be anything but that.  Stay with me, stay strong, and I will pay if forward to each and every one of you in whatever way I can.  I promise you that.

Peace ✌ 
Jo

Twist of Fate

Hey y'all....it's me....

PSA Alert....this post will contain some profanity....I will apologize up front but I hope once you read through you will understand.

Well ain't this a son-of-a-bitch and goddamn!  I haven't posted for a while and I hope you are wondering where I have been, I haven't fallen into a well but I have been under the weather.  There is no easy way for me to say this so I am just going to rip the band aid off and work backwards from there.  I have cancer...again....yep....that's fucking right!  Can you believe the bitch that is!  Let me tell you, I can't...I am still in shock.  So here is my shit of a nightmare I have been living these past few weeks.

Around April 1st I started feeling not the greatest.  My body was achy and I was running a low grade fever on and off, nothing more than what I assumed to be the flu or some variation of a viral illness.  As that week went on, I would have good days and bad days and was talking with both my GP and GI doc - don't know if you recall - but I was pre-prepping for my upcoming colonoscopy.  The GP felt it was viral based on the low grade fever and body aches though did become concerned when on Wednesday April 5th, the pain in my lower body became so extreme I had to leave work.  At that point my GI doc was requesting a clean bill of health from the GP prior to  the colonoscopy otherwise we would not be able to proceed.  I went in to see my GP, Dr.R and he ordered a round of blood tests, a flu test, and a few other things.  Everything came back fine except for one inflammatory marker in my blood work however Dr. R was able to explain that as possibly due to a virus.  Dr. R did recommend at that time that I post pone my colonoscopy.  I then went about my week and into the weekend, again having good and bad days.  On Sunday, April 9th, my right breast began to ache, almost felt like infection and I was beginning to worry that something was going on with my implant.  The next day, Monday, I called Dr. R once again - seriously beginning to feel like a real pain in the ass for nothing more than a virus but the boob issue was bothering me.  He immediately recommended I see my oncologist - Dr. K.

Dr. K examined me and was equally baffled in that nothing I was showing, my low grade fever or my blood test results were anything that screamed....ALL ABOARD FOR THE CANCER TRAIN!.  He did find some tissue tenderness near my right breast, a little bony tenderness in my hip and low back and was concerned with my weight loss.  I easily explained this away with "well you are pushing on my body so of course it will be tender and yes I have lost weight, I have cleaned up my eating, I am working out hard with cardio and weight training and my migraines have been easing off".  Dust off my hands and call it a day.  Dr. K even felt that it could be viral but decided to run his own set of blood work.  By the time he called me that evening with the results, I was back in bed, fever and aching, freezing with 6 blankets on me.  Dr. K was quite surprised to hear this as my chemistry panel looked good except for now 2 elevated inflammatory markers. Those markers, the weight loss, and the pain in my boob helped him make the decision to order a CT scan.

TOOT TOOT - cancer train was calling.  I have been down this road before.  Mystery illnesses that do not lend to convention and doctors ordering imaging because they need to get a better picture.  I went into this CT thinking "no worries" just don't want to drink the barium shit.  Bolstered by my faithful side kick, Liz, we went for my test....drank all the shit like a good girl, laid still as a stone and before I knew it Liz and I were hanging out in the waiting room for Dr. K to call me with the results. I kept saying "I'm not worried, it's nothing".  After about 2 hours the receptionist informed me that Dr. K was unavailable and would call my cell.  No problem I thought as it's not going to be anything anyways.  In my pushy yet not pushy fashion, I simply asked..."is it a nay or yay" (doing the thumbs up or down hand signal).  With that, she printed me my report and told me to take care.

I held on to that report like it was the dead sea scrolls.  I could tell Liz was a little concerned but knew better than to take it from me.  She did gently say that we should open it in the car.  Poor thing, I barely let her get into the drivers seat when I was scanning my eyes over the papers, landing on the conclusion page where I saw the words METASTATIC 4 times.  I flipped, hyperventilated, bolted from the car like a lady on fire and ran to the other end of the parking lot.  Not entirely sure where the fuck I was going but I needed to move.  Liz in her best way...God I love her for being my rock, picked me up, held me tight, and brought me back to the car.  She called John, sicced him on calling Dr. K and took me to the only place I wanted to go...home.

With that, John and I left the house to get me out and clear my head.  All I wanted was french fries so we indulged in a big bag of greasy, salty fries from 5 Guys and talked and talked and talked, not sure about what as we really didn't know what anything on that report meant.  I received a call from Dr. K that evening and he confirmed what every cancer survivor does not want to hear...there are lesions showing signs of suspicious metastatic disease.  I don't really remember what I did next other than to cry and feel the fear sink in.  Dr. K ordered a nuclear bone scan for the next day and we said good-bye....there wasn't much to say at that point as we were speculating....another huge no-no when dealing with cancer.  I ended up at my friend Mary's house, a fellow survivor and we looked at that report 6 ways from Sunday, I told her what Dr. K said and we cried....a lot....let's face it.....I knew this was not going to be anything but shit on a stick.

April 12th, I had my nuclear bone scan....not all together a bad test but I am not a fan of small spaces....nonetheless,,,,after being injected with nuclear isotopes, they scanned me head to toe, front and back.  Again....more waiting.  Thursday morning, April 13th, Dr. K called and confirmed that what they saw on the scans are indeed metastatic breast cancer in my bones....or bone mets.  WHAT THE FUCK!  How did this just happen....and in a not so ironic twist, only 1 day earlier than my first diagnosis 6 years ago.

So what now....I bet you all are thinking what now?  I know that's what I want to know, every bit and detail of information I could get from Dr. K.  The thing is, I still need to have a biopsy, so at this point I am in a sort of cancer purgatory where waiting for more information is like being in limbo...a sort of cancer hell.  My biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday, April 19th and I will have my follow up appointment with Dr K on Monday, April 24th where he will outline the results of the biopsy, the type of breast cancer cell we are dealing with, the scan results and ultimately my treatment options.  Again, one day earlier than what I consider my cancer free date from 6 years ago.  The universe is fucking hysterical in their irony....I, for one, am not laughing anymore.

Dr. K assures me not to get ahead of myself.  I know that is meant with the deepest empathy but I am a person who wants, almost needs to be in control.  I need to know what this means and how this is going to impact me, my kids, John.  My poor babies....more on them in a second.  This is what I do know.  This is a metastatic disease, meaning that one of my earlier breast cancer cells has migrated and implanted and festered and grown and decided to fuck up another organ of my body....my bones.  There are at least 5 sites with lesions, my iliac bones, my scaral bones, a few spots on my spine, my sternum, and some ribs.  I also know this is not curable....but is supposed to be treatable.  As Dr K told me, if you had to choose where your disease came back, bones is a good place that responds well to treatment.  He says many people can live "many, many years" with treatment but again some develop problems after a few years and well...then....

With my first cancer tango, there was a symmetry to everything, there was a beginning, a middle and a definite end where life went back to normal and life moved on, I moved on.  With this tango, I have a beginning....my diagnosis.  I will have a middle....my treatment.  I DO NOT WANT an end because that will mean the end of me and I am not ready to face that, not one fucking bit!

My hope is obviously for the first option, I hope, I PRAY, that I will respond to treatment, that we will suppress my disease and force its furry little cancer ass back into remission.  I don't know why but I always picture cancer cells as furry little fuckers.

My babies are amazing, they astound me with their attitude...it was like..."OK, you get treatment, you go into remission and you are good".  God Bless them for this....I hope maybe HE is listening to them because I sort of feel like HE is bullying me.  I am not saying that I don't deserve this anymore than the next person, I am not better than anyone.  I have however carried and faced my share of hurdles throughout my life, from literally the day I was born until now.  I know there are others out there who face far worse than what I am facing, I am just tired of being dealt a raw deal because there is no other words than THIS KIND OF SUCKS.

I am swinging on a pendulum of emotions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.  I am scared, terrified, angry, isolated, and paralyzed with everything that is happening.  I know how to be a cancer survivor but I do not know how to be a person who has to live alongside it everyday.  I am not a survivor anymore, I am a person with this disease, no longer "Beyond the Color Pink" but now swimming amongst it's hues.

I will use this blog as my "care page" as it is cathartic for me to write and release the swirling dervish of words in my head.  Maybe now, I will sleep tonight, maybe now I will begin to find some peace and hope.  I ask for your prayers to whatever God, Karma, MO JO, or spirit you believe in, I am no longer in a position to be choosy, I am simply trying my absolute DAMNEDEST to be here for my babies, John, my family and friends.

Thank you for listening.  My apologies on my curse words.  Warmest thoughts and many thanks to y'all.

Peace ✌

Tree of Life - give, grow, and visualize

Hey y'all....it's me....

I am feeling the love and it is amazing, exhilarating, and empowering.  Thank you so much for your kindness.  This is a journey for me, part of my path and I am literally sitting here smiling as I write.  😍. I have also realized that less thinking gives me a confidence I never thought I would have so that's a good thing....I think....LOL. 😕   

I have had many hours of quiet over this past week, allowing me to have time for contemplation, day dreaming, reminiscence, and wistful pondering of all things good, bad, and in between.  Roll with this little exercise for me....take a moment to visualize yourself as a deep rooted tree, full of life, full of branches, healthy and strong. 🌳 Some of you who know me, may have heard this idea before. 

I feel there is a symbolism to the words "tree of life" and have used this symbolism throughout my journey.  I picture myself as a strong and vibrant tree, the main trunk is me, body and soul, standing strong, healthy and proud of the beauty of it's life.  The main branches of my tree are my loves, my husband, 3 kiddos, my sister and her husband, niece, nephew, cousins, aunts and uncles.  They provide my foundation.  There are a few saplings which no longer carry life but are still an important part of my tree, my parents and other family and friends who have left this earthly world too soon.  The remaining branches on my tree are my friends, neighbors, doctors, and relationships I have formed throughout my life.  These branches provide a robust, full, well rounded source of shelter, comfort, beauty, and growth.  As I cross paths with new friends and old, a new set of branches will grow and continually fill out my tree of life so that one day, the branches will overflow and overlap with one another creating a visual image of strength and security.  

I am not a huge granola type girl, sitting around a circle, smoking a peace pipe, and singing "Kumbya" - and if you are a believer in all of those things - that's totally cool, I mean no offense, honest to God, hand to Bible. I think the analytical side of me takes over and doesn't allow me the liberty and freedom to live a more hippie free lifestyle - maybe something for me to add to one my future detours on my journey.   I am a work in progress and always willing to learn.  Anyhow, I digress, I do believe in the power of visualization.  Sometimes it works for me and sometimes not so much.  But I try to keep this image of a strong, healthy tree in my minds eye throughout my days and it's something I would love for you to try as well.

We all have good and bad days, we all feel alone at some point in our lives or simply lonely.  Whether it be due to illness or frenzied life, we can somehow begin to feel isolated without anyone isolating us or having a specific incident which causes us to retreat.  It is at these times when seeing that image of a strong and healthy tree in your mind will help you remember you are not alone, never alone.  One of the hardest actions for people is reaching out to someone for help or just to talk.  No one wants to impose or seem weak.  What I have been humbled to learn throughout my life, is the concept of helping one another is innate.  For me, I would not be sitting here without the unbelievable help of others  - some called upon and some who simply helped because they are of a giving nature.  These acts of love and kindness watered my tree and allowed for new blooms and branches. 

In the society we live in, busy, chaotic, hurried, we should always pause when reading a Facebook or Instagram post, catching that quick text or call, or chat at the end of the driveway and be present in the life of the person on the other end.  It's hard, I know, we all have too much shit going on, I am as guilty of this as the next and need this reminder myself.  Sometimes, that pause is all everyone needs....it can remind someone they are not alone, it can give them the courage to ask for help, it can simply be what they need at that moment.  It also allows us to grow a branch on someone's tree for it is as important for us to provide growth as it is to need growth. 

For my faithful friends who helped me last night....thank you.  It is never easy to ask but I believe in the power of karma....what we put out in the world is what we will reap.  You my darlings, will receive blessings for your simple acts of kindness. 👼  And no worries....nothing tragic going on....just a thrown out back, more nuisance than anything but definitely hindered my ability to be as funcationable as I would like.. 

Take this reminder and tuck it in a corner of your mind so as not to forget.  What a beautiful image we can create with a forest full of grand, full, colorful foliage on an infinite number of trees. 🌳🎕💮

Peace. ✌

Perspective: A Persnickety Noun

Hey y'all....it's me!

First, let me thank everyone who read my first post last week.  Remember that I said this is a work in progress and that is an understatement.  I have figured out, all on my own a few things about blogging, so I made a few changes to my blog, added a few things also, and I am hoping you like everything I did.  One addition that is a bit more for me than you, is the follower button.  If I did this right, I am hoping if you click on that button, I will get to see who is following along on this crazy journey of life.  If y'all could do that for me, I would so appreciate it.

OK...enough of the business....let's get down to this writing thing.  If you are friends with me on FB, you probably noticed that I posted the 3 C's: Choice, Chance and Change.  Everyday we are faced with the 3 C's - we all have choices to make, from what to wear, what to eat, down to whether or not we are going to be nice or nasty today.  Some choices are easy and then there are those that create this tidal wave of emotion flowing through us.  It can be fueled by feeling like hell or excitement, or too much of any one thing.  No one choice is right or wrong as it is what you are feeling at that moment.  Just remember, with every choice comes a consequence, bad choices can lead to a spiraling out of control pattern, good choices can help you keep yourself from falling into the spiral and we all want that for our lives. 

Once the choice is made, we then have to take the scariest step....we need to take a chance on ourselves.  The chance to change a pattern, change a lifestyle, change out whatever is bringing us down or whatever isn't currently working.  The hardest concept to accept is that there are simply some things that cannot be changed. For example, I cannot change my migraines but I can do whatever is possible to try and make life better, less "migrainey" and more full of living.

Let's face it, we all have our own bag of shit to carry....oops....my secret is out.  I swear, that's part of my charm so please take no offense,  OK...back to the bag of shit.  I woke up on Friday and realized I had to make a choice to change.  Spring is a touchy time for those of us who suffer from migraines and I have been in a headache loop for about 5 days now, added to that, I am 1 of only 4 people left in the town of Naperville as everyone else has flown, drove, or sailed away to beautiful majestic places full of sun, sand, sea, and snow (for some), including my family.  

Friday hit me like a jack hammer, I was cranky, pissy, achy, and feeling sorry for myself....there I said it.  Don't go feeling sorry for me, it just is what it is.  I tried to make the right choice....I tried to repeat all the bullshit positive messages I could find on my phone, to remind myself that my thoughts will become feelings and my feelings will be portrayed in my actions.  But....I couldn't do it....I needed  24 hours to just be me.  One thing did not waver though, I still drank my shake, ate relatively healthy, and did my 35 minutes of cardio - even though all of that was the farthest thing from what I wanted to do, which was eat a pound of french fries, drink a chocolate milk shake and chase it back with a few dozen chocolate chip cookies.  Friday was not my time to make a change, everyone has there time, every change has their time.  We have to be patient to allow for the universe to align so change can happen.

My point here....is that how we are feeling, what we see and interpret are brushed with our own unique perspective. And perspective can be a persnickety thing, my perspective yesterday was the shits but today when I woke up with the same jack hammer head, I realized that isn't going to change if all I'm doing is wallowing and half hardheartedly living.  So...I changed my thoughts and decided maybe the bullshit positive messages aren't really full of bullshit. Does my head still hurt, yes but how I am dealing with it is where I made the change today.

The moral to this story is sometimes it's OK to simply feel, whatever it is that you are feeling.  But only allow yourself no more than 24 hours to be blue, or down, or whatever you choose to call it.  After your allotted time period is up, make a Choice to Change your perspective, don't change YOU, just tweak that persnickety perspective to find the sunshine in the gray gloomy day.  If we don't ever take Chances in our lives, we will never move onward and upward on our journey in life.

Peace! ✌