YOOHOO - January - where did you go? I feel like I have been avoiding my keyboard, if I get too close or stare at it too long, I may actually sit down and try to pour something intelligent out of my brain. So, here I go, I am doing it, I can feel the magic happening, it's percolating, oh shit - there's smoke coming out of my ears, insert Jeopardy music here...
Sigh! 😧
January has been bat shit crazy for lack of a better term. Some of you have followed the winding, spinning, upside down ride of the MBC roller coaster with me over on my Team JoJo Facebook page but for those who haven't here it is in a more condensed version. 4 days into the month, I celebrated 2018 with my own version of glow in the dark lights - i.e. a nuclear bone scan. The next day, Dr. K called to let me know he was concerned about the images, there were an awful lot of "new lit up areas". His answer to this was MRI imaging to get a better, clearer picture because with all the pain I was having his concern was my cancer found a new food source and was on the move. I, of course, ran around somewhat like Chicken Little thinking "oh shit, this is the first time Dr. K has been concerned about progression, it's only been 9 months, this is too soon, shit, shit, shit". 18 days later, MRI was complete, not one but 2 due to a hospital error and low and behold, all of those "lit up areas" are new bone growth. Instead of progression, we found regression, now picture me doing my version of the "Dougie" 😁.
With all of this whirling emotion, January has disappeared for me. I think last Monday was the first time I felt I could breathe, fully, deeply and with my whole body. In hindsight, I think "why did you panic" but then I also think "of course, the first time is going to be the hardest". Throughout the whole month, I was still being a mom, going to swim meets, trying to "workout (HA!), doing my PT, cooking, cleaning etc but this weight on my shoulders was 2 tons too heavy for me to carry. And now without the weight, without the adrenaline, without all of the extra baggage, I have woken up, 2 days away from February, feeling a little dazed and confused. I think it's sort of like a bear waking up from hibernation - the last thing they remember is hunkering down for a long sleep and then they wake up bleary-eyed, confused that the flowers are starting to bloom. Every time I walk into a store and see hearts and candy for Valentine's Day, I think - "what the shit, we just finished with Christmas"!
I'm not going to lie, it was a little taxing starting the New Year off like this. There was/is a delayed after Christmas funk that's starting to creep in. This is never a good thing for anyone, let alone someone who tends to "think" too much. I am just going to say this out loud - I was dreading the start of a NEW YEAR, it sounds so spectacular. Then you hop on every type of social media, TV program, or magazine and you are immersed in a world of everything being bright, sparkly, shiny and NEW. You know what I mean the "get your new body, new car, new home, new decor, new workout, new social life, new spring, new summer, new glow" - everything is so damn NEW and all I could think of was "well, this is going to be fan-fucking-tastic, there is nothing NEW about me and what I have.
OK - STOP - Don't yell at me! I can hear y'all tittering at me. But hear me out, and then if you still think I am full of shit, you can tell me to knock it off and stop being a pain in the ass. It is time I face my TRUTH and the fluidity that comes with it. There are days, I feel as strong as Wonder Woman and then there are days, moments even, I feel like the person who Wonder Woman just defeated. I am sure a lot of people can say they have felt this way, the high's and lows of life. However, it is true in that there isn't going to be a whole lot of NEW going on in my world. I can't make my body new again. I can't plant a magic money tree. I can't find the perfect "insert any word here" again because I still have MBC and that, my friends is simple fact. Please don't say but "this is your new normal" - ugh - double ugh. And please don't say "but you are alive" because I know that and I am SO GRATEFUL to be alive.
This discovery has led me on a mindful journey, an inner journey, a discovery of truth and acceptance. It is a TOTAL work in progress, I am not even close to a full awakening yet. Last year, I was embarking on a fitness journey, I was not asking in embarrassment for financial help, I was reveling in all I was learning to do. Then it all changed once April 13th came and went. I had to shift and shift fast into everything I never was before. I morphed into a different person. It's not just me but a lot of people have said this, there is something changed in my spirit, my aura, my essence. I don't think it was anything intentional, I think once all the dust settled, I had to figure out a new sort of coping strategy. But one thing I wasn't doing, was letting go of what I used to be able to do, quieting the comparison in my head and learning to simply "like" myself. I wasn't looking toward what CAN I do today, because for me that signified defeat, acceptance, and complacency. This mental mind fuck is really exhausting but as I am walking this inner journey, I am working on finding a way to love myself, treat myself with the same respect I give others, and find compassion within my own heart and mind.
The bare bottom TRUTH is, I am not the same person in body, mind, and spirit that I was before all of this began. Here is a deep dark secret, don't tell anyone, promise??? I don't think I have really liked this NEW (there it is again) version of me. I haven't taken the time to get to know her because it's too hard. Sometimes we want what is comfortable, what we know, and what gives us a feeling of success, that's to be expected. But when suddenly there is a new definition of what those things are and they no longer look or feel the same, (literally, breast cancer is not a skinny cancer) the world is turned so upside down, you don't know where to start. Hence losing an entire month, gaining 10-15 pounds in what feels like a blink but is really a steady build of my medicine, menopause and possibly one too many french fries, and a teenage like angst that is deeply bothersome.
Dr. K even said, it is OK to visit the dark side of stage IV cancer, just don't stay there too long. Visit, do what you need to do and then go back to the concept of living. I attempt to do this. I once said, during my first go around with cancer that I wanted to feel everything rather than be numb and feel nothing. I wouldn't be me, or the person who I think is me, or the person I am now - whomever that may be without wanting to feel everything. This journey is a spectacle of all the senses; sights, sounds, smells, touches, and tastes. If I were to take any one of those pieces away, I would be short changing my experience. I can recognize there is a different pace to my days, I am tapering myself to endure the marathon instead of sprinting though each day as fast as possible. All of this is part of what I am learning and accepting and just like everything else in life, sometimes it takes practice to find your own version of perfection. And to be fair, perfection is fleeting, it is not a destination but something to try and achieve and it is very important that the definition of perfection has to come from you, not from what you think the outside world defines as perfection. I honestly do not think I will ever attain any version of perfection, my goal is to simply find an easy compatibility with myself. One that doesn't judge as I walk past every mirror or mentally criticize every word, action or non action.
Peace ✌
Jo
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