The Pows and Wows of Living an MBC Life!

Hey y'all... it's me...

I have not fallen into a well - Lassie does not need to come save me. LOL.  I know that you might be thinking this, it's been a while since I last sat down to write.  I think I have a bit of blog anxiety - will I live up to my last post? Ha!  

Let's get the biz out of the way so we can get onto bigger, better and funnier things.  So my scans went well, REALLY well, damn well, to be honest.  First off, I couldn't do it without my scan buddy, Liz.  We made the day into an event, I told everyone I was checking into the Edwards Hospital Spa and that I really needed to find a better, more relaxing spa to visit.  Liz makes it easy, she keeps me laughing, keeps me on time, on my toes and calm as a cucumber while I get poked, prodded and pumped full of all things that make my shit glow - not literally but you get the picture.  Awesome news - no progression of my cancer to any other organ or in my bones.  All areas of cancer show improvement, there are 3 persnickety spots that are still a wee bit active however even those are still showing improvement.  Move over ladies, I am hopping on the bar, waving my bra in the air and doing the "yeah baby' happy dance.   Dr. K is very pleased, he has suggested I stay on my ibrance and anastrozole and we will do this party all over again in 3 months.  He is such a sweetie of a doc, he called me on Friday to let me know my results even though I was scheduled to meet with him Monday.  He gets the "scanxiety" that patients have and he is kind, patient, and understanding - I can't ask for anything better than that.

I really wanted to know if I was in remission - that was the million dollar question.  Reality strikes once again, it is hard to determine clinical remission for someone with bone mets.  My bones will always have a lesion in them, they will always be damaged because the cancer caused that damage.  Bones that are healing and regrowing thanks to my chemotherapy and my bone shot will still look damaged and remember that I said before, "healing bone looks similar to cancerous bone". The moral to this story - less focus on the word remission and more focus on the great news from my latest scans.  For some reason labels seem important to me or at least they did and I am working on relishing on the words improvement in all areas - sort of a mouth full, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Since then, I have been riding high and low.  I think i held my breath for so long waiting to hear these results and once I did, there was a sort of after Christmas depression.  You know that feeling you get once all the presents are opened, the food is eaten, the tree is looking a little worse for wear and all you are left with is a mountain of empty boxes and wrapping paper, bows and ribbon everywhere?  That's the feeling I am talking about!  DO NOT get me wrong, I am thrilled but once again I was smacked in the face of being that mouse on a wheel.  You mean I have to do this all over again and again and again and again? UGH... It is something that is hard to understand unless you are facing something similar.  I once said to Dr. K "I wish my bedroom doorway was a body scanner and every morning when I walked through it, I would hear - congratulations you are free of cancer".  He pointed out the other side of that coin, one day I may hear "sorry, not today" and I realized these scans every 3 months are somewhat like that.  I hold my breath, waiting to hear what I want and terrified to hear "sorry, not today".  So how does one cope with this?

To be fair, I am not sure.  I have joined several closed MBC FaceBook groups and I was reading each and every post - it was like watching a horror movie with my eyes covered, I wanted to see but yet I was too scared to see and yet I wanted to provide support, comfort and love to my fellow "sisters".  Some of these posts would describe what my future could - COULD - look like and I think it was taking me too far into the labyrinth of darkness.  I wasn't simply visiting the scary dark places and coming back out into the golden light, I was getting lost amongst the twist and turns of the pathways.  I cannot foresee the future anymore than the lady at the fair telling fortunes for $10 a pop.  I realized I don't want to hear all of the scary stories of what COULD come and hear people say "I know this is what I will die of" because I think I THRIVE better when I am living right here, right now, handling each ache, pain, diagnosis, side effect, benefit, and the like as they are struck down upon me.  I am still part of these groups and hope I can do my best to add support to my fellow Thrivers but maybe from a little distance, for the time being.

Being in the present is something we often hear of but something that can be as illusive as that fabulous Louis Vuitton bag of my previous post.  It is simple human nature to forward think.  We are taught to plan ahead, to be "on top of our shit", to think of everything, especially those of us who fall into the type AAA category of life.  It is a hard habit to break. I reverted back to talking to myself out loud again, repeating daily, hourly, even minute to minute mantras, saying "NO" to the nasty voice in my head, and giving myself a verbal gold star when I feel I deserve a job well done.  John and I lived out another of my Life List activities, playing tourist in our hometown.  John kept asking me "what are we doing again?"  It was hard to explain why I simply wanted to experience something as normal as visiting places I drove past daily. I wanted to be free of worry, we ate, we laughed, we shopped a little, we walked to the point of exhaustion and stayed at the most beautiful hotel I have ever stayed in.  My mind would begin to wander, John could see it in my eyes and gently, he would pull me back to that place of peace, the here and now - the best of each individual moment we will ever have.  The moment you currently stand in and then the next and the next and the next.  That is the mouse on the wheel feeling I need to focus on not the scary one of quarterly scans and waiting for results.  

My hypnotist asked me as we approach the upcoming holidays if I am thinking certain thoughts.  Thoughts that are scary to say out loud - but here goes... Will this be my last holiday, birthday, New Year, etc?  OK now I am throwing salt over my shoulder and brushing off all the negative vibes that comes with that statement (picture me brushing off my arms, legs, torso of all negative energy - not kidding, I am actually doing it).  I may even burn some sage later tonight once I retire to my favorite comfy chair.  Right now the image of the big comfy couch came to mind - do you remember that show?  Jianna loved it.  OK, I am squirreling, sorry.  The answer to that scary question is yes, I think about that - I do have something that is really, really bad.  I am so thankful for my hypnotherapy sessions because we worked to turn those questions off - to throw them out and find myself back to here and now because I am one of those crazy people who LOVE the holidays.  I love the music, the trees, the lights, the glitter, the sparkle, shopping, celebrating, laughing, being with friends and family.  I love decorating and the smell of pine and cinnamon and SHHHHH, I even love all the cooking and baking even though I bitch like every great Italian Mama out there.  And then, I get a little teary, I am getting teary now and if I am not careful a ocean of salty tears is going to fall upon my keyboard.  I can't ever imagine missing any of this, not ever. 

That is why I work so hard to crush my cancer.  I work hard to exhaustion to be hopeful and peaceful.  I work to build yoga, weights, cardio (I'm failing there but that's another post), reiki, yoga therapy, psycho therapy, physical therapy, hypnotherapy into my regular life.  I work to find calm and meditation.  I work to remember to use my essential oils (again, failing) and eat my cruciferous vegetables (semi failing) and laugh.  I work to find beauty in small wonders.  I work to find love.  I work to find mindful moments while doing laundry - did you ever think about how great Downy smells or while vacuuming - those lines in the carpet - I LOVE THOSE!  But are y'all sensing a theme... I work.  When do all of these things become I DO and not I work.  When will humbling going to war with a small pac man like cancer cell become simply how I live and not how I work.  I need all of this to become a little easier.  I know that sounds selfish, why should my life be any easier than any other person's life.  It is not that that I am asking for, no special privileges just ease.  I used to do this exercise class back before... before cancer came a calling again and they would say find the ease in the effort.  That is all I am looking for, the ease in all the effort I am putting forth.  

OK it is time to get to some WOWS of my last few weeks, besides my scan results.  I will always remember Emma's RE teachers asking the kids for their Pows and Wows of the week.  Wows...

1. ticking off not one but two Life List adventures, St. Joe, Michigan and being a tourist in my hometown
2. speaking at my 2nd event, a breast cancer awareness event where I was able to tell my story and share in the love and support from so many
3. feeling natural and enjoying my 2nd speaking event and yearning to do more (not sure how to get more gigs but would LOVE some)
4. spending great times with many friends having drinks, lunch, hanging out, shopping and just being me
5. planning my next Life List adventure - Vegas, Baby!  Thanks to a generous benefactor!
6. making a $1050.00 donation to Metavivor from My Mantra Block sales - thank you to everyone who has purchased one
7. adding a My Mantra Block page to my blog - check it out in the header tabs  It is pretty cool, I even   have pay pal buttons now - SO COOL.
8. and just being able to do as many everyday things as I can

I have missed y'all and missed the glory in this!  I am forever indebted to each and every one of you, for reading, sharing, carrying me on your shoulders when I cannot walk alone, praying, laughing and loving my family as we navigate this steep and winding path.  

Listen Within to your inner wisdom!  Follow Your Path to your highest truth!  Thrive amidst the chaotic energy of life! and when all else fails... Fuckity Fuck Fuck because it just makes you laugh and realize LIFE IS GOOD!

Peace ✌
Jo