Angels Among Us

Hey y'all...it's me...

I have been dealing with some writers block lately.  My writing is so connected to the ups and downs of my emotions.  I tend to write more on the downward spiral of a bad day then the upward high of the emotional swing.  I think that sometimes I feel if I am just living, going about my day, doing my thing - that no one is going to want to hear about my laundry, car pools, or doggie dramas (one house, three dogs... that's drama).  But today I am on a high - a good high that I want to share.

I believe in angels, 100%, hands down.  There are quiet angels who are cheering us along in each of our journeys, helping us choose our paths, lessening our burdens and whispering the love and support of our loved ones who have left us too early.  If it weren't for these angels, these little signs I get daily from loved ones near and far, my path would be rugged.  I am so blessed to have the encouragement and inspiration of others, each message, each gift is filled with generosity that quieted this loud mouthed, Italian girl this week and filled my eyes with tears of sweet happiness and relief.

It is these feelings, this positive state of harmony that I plan to ride into and through my nuclear bone scan on Monday July, 24th.  Get ready y'all, because once again I will be filled with enough radioactive isotopes to make me glow in the dark but all for a good reason.  The doctors will be comparing my images - over 900 of them - from this scan to the first scan in April which catapulted me onto this journey with the hope in finding "healing bone" which would be indicative to remission.  Now if any of you know me, you know that I can be a tough cookie.  I like to call the shots, plan the play of the game, and be in charge of everything all at once.  So there is no surprise or major shocker to know that I did my best selling pitch to Dr. K, pleading my case as to why I should be signed up for every scan, imaging test, X-ray, MRI, CT, PET, XYZ and PDQ (as my Dad would say).   I just want to know...

The thing about metastatic breast cancer (MBC) is that it is forever.  We've talked about that before but I know it is a hard, abstract concept for many.  Hell, it's hard for me too.  But since it is forever, there will always be a 3 month check or sooner if something comes up.  There will always be a little bit of breath being held tightly in my lungs wondering if the medicine is working, if the prayers are working, if anything is working.  Knowing this, in spite of this, I am still on a high.  It is this high, this feeling of normalcy or not feeling the cancer, not feeling anything other than normal 47 year old feels is what is adding wind to my sails and allowing me to float down the path for a while.

It is the generosity of strangers, of those who make up the thick and thin branches on my tree of life that is adding to the high.  It is the compassion of one of John's customers saying a prayer for me while we were on the phone together that is adding to the high.  It is my client taking me to church and quietly sitting next to me offering me his strength and stability during his hectic work week that is adding to the high.  It is fun lunches with girlfriends talking about everything and anything besides cancer adding to the high.  It is my sister visiting, laughing with family, cleaning out my pantry, and doing those little tasks that have been left behind adding to the high.  It is all of it combined.  Those who love and protect my children, welcoming them into their lives with kindness and a safe harbor.  It is so much - my cup, my heart and my soul are filled with light.

Being positive is a state of mind... Oh hell, I am becoming a cliche but it is so true and it is hard work.  This journey is taking me down a mindful path, I am evolving in a very organic way.  Now none of this is to say that once the test is completed and I have exited the hospital that I won't go running back in, begging and pleading the radiologist to just tell me something.  It will be a week before my results come in as Dr. K will be out of town.  And since hiding in his suitcase would be considered creepy, I hope to put into place the mindful practice of using this high, this positive state of mind to help alleviate the stress of not knowing.  I want this high to quiet the cancer bitch and duct tape her mouth shut so I can continue to live hopefully, without fail of expectation.

And with being on this pursuit of positive truth, I took the editorial advice of a dear, sweet family friend.  While he graciously helped me work on a piece of writing, he suggested we change my NOT BUCKET LIST to be called my LIFE LIST.  This subtle switch in words changes a negative to a positive - invoking  positive energy into my list of wishes.  I have been asked if I would ever share my list and I have with some privately though not yet on here.  I never want to seem as if we, my family, are asking for anything more than love, prayers, and hugs. This burden, this trial or test of faith is ours to carry and while we may share the story, we never want anyone to feel they have to share the burden.  My LIFE LIST is full of wishes for experiences to be shared with my family and friends.  An exchange of love, shared memories, and positive images to help all of us move forward on this journey, no matter what lies ahead.

Peace ✌

Jo